So a few weeks ago, spurred by a family emergency, I made the first of two posts here asking for advice. Several of you responded generously with very thoughtful words and insights, which I appreciated. I had hoped to be in a different place now. But alas, things have reached a difficult crux, which is the inspiration for this final post on the matter. For the time being, anyway. I'm going to lay it out in a manner that doesn't require reading the others.
For the last couple of years, my parents (both in their 70s) have been stuck in a rut caused by marriage issues and mental health challenges. They've lived in a house that's unsuitable for aging, with lots of stairs and physical upkeep work, and this causes them stress that they vent to me and my sister about. But no matter how many times we try to persuade them to move and downsize to a safer place, nothing comes of it. My mom, who has untreated depression and anxiety, comes up with reasons why moving wouldn't be feasible. My dad doesn't push back, in the interest of mitigating conflict between them. And my sister and I throw up our hand and continue to worry about their well-being.
A few weeks ago, one of the scenarios we've dreaded finally happened. Our dad slipped on the exterior stairs and broke his hip. I was the first responder who got them both to the hospital, where a successful partial hip replacement surgery was performed. He was in the hospital for a week, and then physical rehab for another 10 days. During this whole time, my mom acted as the main caregiver and barely took any time for herself to recharge, despite my sister and I urging her to do this, with offers to step in and help more. (We still did help a lot, in our own ways.) This past Friday, at both of my parents' request, the rehab center discharged our dad to home. The idea was that he would receive PT/OT there, and my parents would also hire in-home help so that my mom could finally get a more sustained breather and recuperate. We also discussed the possibility of a short term respite care stay at assisted living for my dad, if being home this soon yielded too many challenges and home help didn't seem like enough.
Five days later, the in-home help has still not been hired, the respite care option has basically been shot down (they have the money to afford either), and my mom is still overworking herself. When she's overwhelmed, which is often these days, it's near-impossible for her to make proactive decisions. My sister and I learned this from the downsizing impasse, and now we're seeing the same thing play out here, in the context of our dad's recovery. He's actually doing very well with recuperation in a physical sense, but the missing in-home help is creating unneccessary and preventable stress for everyone. I've made calls, done vetting, and put all of the pieces in front of my parents, and still, they have not taken the next step of setting up home care or reconsidering respite care. If I offer to set it up myself, my mom gets overwhelmed and pushes back. And at that point, all I can do is step back.
After our last conversation about this, which devolved into an argument, I am giving my parents one more afternoon/night to talk this over, reach a decision, and move forward; at their request. If they shift gears by tomorrow, great. And if they don't, which is likely, I don't know what else I can do but throw up my hands, tend to my own life more, and wait for time and hardship to humble them. If that ever happens. In a way, this would feel like partially cutting off my parents. It's not that I would stop speaking with them or helping them at all, but I would be far more discerning about what I'm willing to do for them, if they don't take actionable steps to help themselves, and what I won't do; the lines that I would refuse to cross. Like listening to their venting, or helping them with ill-advised home projects.
I love them. This is tough to do. But I don't know what else I can do now.
Best thing is to back way off, as you have said. Each time they call, remind them that the offer of help to move is still an option, but that you are unable to care for them, their home, cars, pets, doctors appointments etc. They may eventually get the message or they may not. There may be another incident(s) that help them make the decision, or maybe you will be called upon to make the decision for them.
You are a good man to be so concerned and to help as much as you have. You are making the right decision to take care of yourself first and let them feel the consequences of their inaction.
Changing the subject...sometimes the easiest way to get help in the home is to hire a once a week cleaning lady so they get used to someone else coming around for a couple of hours.
When we started the journey with my in-laws, they were a similar situation -- stairs a-plenty, FIL used to accommodating his wife, MIL dead set against moving out of her overstuffed, multi-story home.
We happened to have a friend-of-a-friend who had a work history with seniors, particularly helping senior vets transition to AL or just downsize. She met us at their place for dessert one evening along with my husband's brother/SIL, and we had "the talk" including showcasing a property that we'd found that week.
My MIL being in hostess mode, having another person present, and having everything laid out calmly and kindly helped us lock down the new plan that evening. The woman who joined us was so familiar with the concerns and thought patterns, knew how to offer distractions, answers, compassion, whatever helped move the discussion forward.
By the end of the evening she had my MIL showing her old wedding album while the rest of us moved a few of the worst fall hazard obstructions out of the house.
MIL was still having a hard time with it, but it switched from "absolutely not" to "I am not happy about this [but understand that it's happening]." After a month or two in the new place she was able to appreciate the single-level convenience and laundry right next to the kitchen, along with greater safety for her falling-prone husband.
Wish you the best and hope to hear how it goes!
For instance, you and sister tried for years to persuade them to move. But in their 70's with physical challenges and mental challenges such as depression and anxiety, moving is such a huge undertaking, it is easier for them to take no action. They tried ignoring their problems, until something drastic happened, and now it is even more imperative that they move to a suitable place - Assisted Living would be perfect for them. But, again, it is too overwhelming for your mother to take such action.
They need help. If you and your sister want to get involved, you will need to take charge. Find an assisted living apartment, preferably part of a community which offers different levels of care to adapt to their changing needs. Then, hire movers, set a moving date. Of course your parents will have to let go of a lot of their stuff. That may create some anxiety in your mother. Your father sounds like he will just go along with whatever is decided. But, your mother is suffering from anxiety now, in a situation which is not sustainable. If you were to take charge of moving them, it could alleviate a lot of her anxiety once it is done.
I agree that you should not help to enable their current living arrangement. Helping with home projects or caregiving is not advisable. If they stubbornly refuse to let you take charge and move them to safer housing, then the only thing you can do is back off and let them fail. It could have very serious consequences; one or both of them could get seriously injured.
Unfortunately, many stubborn elders die from a fall in their own home because they refused a plan of care.
But you and sister are making suggestions and waiting for your parents to take the actionable steps. I'm saying I think that is too much to expect of them.
I'm 63, taking care of my bedridden husband. I continue overpaying rent in my current residence because it is easier than moving. I'd like to move, but I dread the work of it, especially moving someone who is confined to a hospital bed.
I can see how your mother is too consumed with her daily hardships to take any action to change it. She's trying to tread water, but she's slowly drowning, and waiting for someone to throw her a life preserver.
The other option is do nothing and wait for the call. You won’t have to wait all that long.
It took us many, many years of begging my parents to make decisions and take action. It didn’t happen. Mom eventually fell and disaster struck. 3 years later she still blames us for “ripping” her out of her home … but 3 years later I don’t care. Blame whomever you want, Mom. You made no decisions so your children were literally forced to make them.
This is a horrible chapter of life. Don’t give up your own life so they continue to be propped up at your expense.
then readdress the issue after that time
or
put it straight to your mum
if you don’t accept help I will need to report you because you and dad are risking a serious accident and they will put you into care
failing that
both parents used to you and your siblings what they think ‘ nagging’
so get someone else - healthcare person to visit and assess and tell them
They may listen to an outsider
A few options
only you know your parent to know which they could best cope with
Good luck
maybe take your mother along to view. A suitable place so that she can see giving up her familiar home isn’t such a bad idea
frustrating times - but you’ll get there
You can offer little things like bringing in the mail or cleaning out the coffee maker. We all want to be the captain of our ships even if the ship is sinking. Keep asking them what support looks like from their perspective - just asking the question with no answer in sight may be enough for now, knowing you are in the wings. Sharing your love and not your fear can lift their perspective too.
Falls and unforeseen events will happen. The trick is to reduce possible damages with out reducing their autonomy and dignity. Just as you & I would want it.
Removing rugs
installing grab bars
installing cameras
Safety pendants
Neighbors Checking in
Sending compassion :)
You got this -
Sally
L
I have tried this several times for my mom, and so far, each time, she fires the person. Tells them they aren’t needed, rants to me how they were worse than useless and intolerable. Eventually, I assume it will come to her accepting help in the home or moving.
Step back and wait for The Call. In the meantime, don't be their fix-it guy anymore, reminding them of their choice to hire no help or move to a suitable place. Love ya mom and dad, but this is YOUR DECISION.
Best of luck and stay connected with us.
You need to acknowledge your parents are driving this bus. If they don’t want outside help, you cannot force it. You will have to wait until there is a crisis that forces a change. You would have to step back and allow this to happen, It’s not an easy thing to do when you love your parents.
Just makesure there is a POA.
Then my mom had a stroke this past August. They anticipated her going back home after a few weeks, but as it turned out, even with an in-home caregiver the rehab place wouldn't release her to go home, they said she needed to be in assisted living.
So in October they did what they had never wanted to do, and moved into AL. They're not happy, it's not perfect, but it's absolutely the best thing for them AND for us.
I'm not glad my mom had the stroke at all. But I am glad they were forced to make the move they should have made 2-3 years ago.
I don't see anywhere in your post that you or anyone else is their PoA? Is this correct? If so, you will need to have a conversation with them about this problem. They need to know what happens to seniors who eventually need the help of a PoA but don't have one assigned: they run a very high risk of becoming the ward of a 3rd party court-assigned guardian who may not be a family member. And not just that final outcome but all the drama and exhaustion that happens leading up to that point.
I had to explain this to my SFIL when he was declining from Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia: Plan A was to assign someone, anyone, as his PoA. Plan B was he didn't do this and become a ward of the county. He chose Plan B and had a bad time, but that's the plan he willingly chose. No pity for him as he had made our lives hell up to that point. But it was still a solution in the situation and we were glad to have it.
Once you express your boundaries clearly to your parents, you must be very consistent in defending them so that you don't confuse them. You may not be able to get your other siblings on board, and they may not like it but you should not get dragged along for that messy ride. You can only control your own self, so be clear about it. It doesn't mean you don't love your parents but we experienced caregivers can tell you that it will be very unproductive to do anything else and it will bring about a sustainable solution much sooner.
There is a time in everyone's life that needs outweigh wants. When the person can't or won't realize is very difficult because their safety becomes compromised. Been there and will be there again as my dad is becoming less independent. If I had not found this forum I would be in a major depression from trying to support, prop and enable my parents and uncle.
Wishing you good luck and emotional strength throughout this journey.
In this case it is normal to step back a bit and realize they have their own lives and they can run them as they see fit. Until something changes (like they have demonstrable dementia), unless they agree to do something you can't make them do it. So it's also a kind of protection for you, because while it's scary, worrying will change nothing for you or them. You have to try to not be on "high alert" all the time.
This is very frustrating, I know. It becomes this dance between you and your parents, where you have to see what you can do and what you can't, and they can give up a little here and there, or refuse to give in. You are trying to take over parts of their lives so they will be safer, and yet you can't do it without them agreeing in some way. They might be willing to do more in the future, depending on what happens to them. It was hard to figure out when to step in with my mom, and how to say everything, and to not make her feel bad or embarrassed etc.
Please do keep us updated because this situation is so central to everything else that happens to the people who come to this forum. What can we do when they won't let us?
A great example for others to read in a similar situation .
Often the only way they realize they can’t manage on their own is to be left to do things themselves .
A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping “.
He had one of Mom's caregivers drive to the ER to take him home.
I backed way off for 6 months.