<p class="">Hi Everyone. This forum is a godsend. I lurk and learn so much. My mom is 83, worked so hard her whole life and is still quite independent. She still drives and is mentally sharp. She has some pain from joints but overall does well. My problem is it is soooo hard to be around her! I love her alot but it fills me with knots being in her presence because of her negativity and inability to allow others to express themselves. She has always been this way. I know I cant change her. She takes everything as criticism, gets defensive, etc. She grew up with 8 siblings and never got her emotional needs met. I get it. I grew up the same way but after a lifetime of therapy, I am better but heaven forbid I cry in front of her. She cannot handle it. Looks away, gets physically uncomfortable. I know it's not her fault but it riles me up inside to be shut down anytime I try to express anything be it a concern, feeling etc. I grew up totally emotionally abused and suffered my entire life with bulimia. I need tips to be able to be around someone who is headstrong, passive-aggressive, emotionally void. I feel like nothing ever gets resolved because she gets so defensive and takes it as a personal attack and says Im "fighting with her". She is controlling and I have never heard her say "Im sorry" to anyone because she feels it's a sign of weakness. She constantly tells me what to do and any attempt to stop that behavior is met with hetrgetting mad. She truly is a wonderful person but was/is unavailable emotionally. Help!! Thanks in advance to all of the amazing rockstars on this site!
It finally came down to whether it was her or me, I chose me, 13 years later I have no regrets.
I would cut back on my dealings with her, take time to heal yourself, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sending support your way!
You don't try to get your emotional needs met by her.
You find friends who accept you for who you are
You stop thinking that she will ever accept responsibility.
I'm truly sorry that you didn't get the mother you needed or deserved.
That much should be clear.
You must change your SELF.
Limit your visits. Find a good supportive group of friends to do the "mothering" and "companionship" you might get from a parent without the limitations your Mom has.
You are good at recognizing your mother's limitations.
You have not, however, ACCEPTED them as a given in your life.
And you have not accepted that this won't change; that only YOU will need to change your own life.
I can just suggest that you stay in therapy. It is clearly helping you. But it hasn't yet come to the magic moment of KNOWING her limitations, KNOWING they are permanent, and KNOWING you must move on.
You are a grownup. Only humans, in all the animal world, stay around parents all their lives. All other animals move on. I think actually the latter works better overall, but this is the way we evolved. You need to come to peace with the REALITY.
I sure do suggest listening to the Podcast Dr Laura's Call of the Day. She is just the best at letting people know that not everything can be fixed. Some things just require you moving through them and beyond them, being polite and understanding that nothing will change.