Will try and summarize the best I can.
Mom is 95 and lives in AL. She was in her own home (alone 50+ years) and then to an apartment (alone again), but she has severe dementia now and is in AL. You would think this would be a good thing. She should be in LTC and that is in progress, but for now, we're dealing with this and it is OK. Not ideal, but OK. Certainly better than he being alone and unattended.
There is only my sister and I to help her out. No other family. No friends. We're both in our 60s (single/no kids) and up until 2 years or so ago, I lived several hours from my mother and have had a few serious health issues myself so was unable to be at her beck and call. I have since retired to the area and have been more involved in my mothers care.
Here is the issue: my sister won't let me be involved. She is exhausted. She mentions all the time of what she has had to endure looking after mom. Mom is OK in AL - she is safe(r) and looked after, yet, my sister micromanages all of it - what she eats, meds she takes, when she sees the doc, who visits and when, and more. If I visit, I get constant texts from my sister of are you there yet? When are you going? How long did you stay? What was she like? Was she asleep? It's a barrage of questions every time. I just want to visit my mother LOL. I took mom a sweet treat one day and why did you take her that? Did she eat it? It seems I can't do anything right. And God forbid if I visit and don't tell her.
My sister is POA. Because of the distance when mom did up her documents, we felt that was for the best at that time but I never thought I'd be treated like some random stranger.
My mother is aged, and hasn't aged well. My sister still insists on explaining everything to her and asking her to make choices that she is essentially unable to make. She has severe dementia and doesn't even recognize me most days. When she starts rambling, I sit and listen. I nod and smile. My sister tries to correct her and gets offended and frustrated when mom says something inappropriate (which is normal for someone with dementia). She yells at her and has walked out.
I get that my sister is tired and I am sorry she's had to go it alone for the last few years. I have no issue with her being POA, but that doesn't give her the right to treat me like crap though, right? I don't have to answer these questions and be micromanaged like this. To add, mom was an abusive parent. I just want to make some type of personal peace in my mind/heart before my mother dies. My sister seems to still be trying to prove that she really is a good girl, after so many years of being told she wasn't.
This is so exhausting. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd love to hear some thoughts about this though. My sister and I do have a good relationship, other than this. I don't want to hurt her or step on her toes, but this isn't about her being POA is it. This is about her PTSD, I feel.
I was unsure which category to post in so I just chose LOL.
If there are some few ways you can offer help and support, then I would encourage you to do so. If you are there to offer your advice, I would encourage you not to.
Can I ask you to explain your thoughts as to why?
Thanks.
I would not tell your sister when your going to see Mom or what treat you took her. I so hope you get Mom into LTC. Your sister will not be able to micromanage there. Mom will only have a room she will be sharing. Her 3 meals a day that Sis will have no control over. For me, placing my Mom in LTC took alot off my shoulders.
Thank you for the reply. Appreciated it.
This makes me wonder if the POA is seeking control and perhaps it makes her feel important? She does not want you involved because that threatens her control?
This is only my opinion, but once anyone tells individuals in any setting that they hold POA, everyone listens to them. Mostly nobody even asks to see the actual paperwork. It can make anyone feel important. It can also work against others who have legitimate feedback because nobody will take any action on anything you have to say. It lets a lot of people off the hook.
All of this said, you cannot change your sister. If she is exhausted or if she lacks support, it is all up to her to work out - you do not have to take her on as your problem.
You say that your mom is doing "OK" with your sister as POA. It might just be that whatever you want to involve yourself with is optional on your part. You have no obligation here.
Maybe do what feels right to you as situations occur. It can be really, really difficult when you observe wrong-doings but have very little ability to impact anything and nobody even listens to you.
Thank you xx
Thank you for replying.
Sounds like your sister is enmeshed and co-dependent with your Mom. That's her problem to work through. You can just quietly visit less and less and not respond to her hounding. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. You don't owe her any explanation at any time for any thing. You're both adults and you get to decide for yourself what you do and don't do.
To answer your actual question: "POA - is this the way it is supposed to be?", the answer is no, the PoA is not obligated to orbit around the principal (your Mom) and provide hands-on help. Only responsible and timely management of their affairs.
May you receive peace in your heart as you figure out and defend your boundaries.
I guess this entire post is more about my sister than me. I wish SHE would come and get some advice. She is simply spinning.
Mom gets upset when she (example) gets mail from banks, the phone company etc. etc. I've suggested to my sister on more than one occasion that maybe its time to get those types of things sent via email to my sister instead. She agreed. Here we are over a year later and mom is still receiving that type of mail. And my sister still sits with her and tries to go over it with her.
Thanks for your reply.
Have you been this honest with your sister?
Doesn't she deserve you calm, gentle honesty?
You cannot change others. Your sister isn't you. She has different ways of handling things.
If you feel you cannot say the above to your sister without great harm to your relationship only you can know that. But that limits your course of action a lot.
At the least you need to let her know that mom is now safely in care, that there isn't a lot either of you can do to change the certain downward trajectory for her while she lives. But that you personally feel for your own good, and to stop self harming, you must now move away from direct hands on and micromanaging (or attempting to) her care facility. That you feel you and she--your sister--have done well by your mom given the circumstances.
Suggest to your sister she may need support other than your love, that she deserve to take care of herself, that a few sessions in counseling with a cognitive therapist may help her set in stone now the words of the Serenity Prayer.
Say it, I encourage you, and let your sis know she's her own person, and you won't repeat what you are saying, but that you had to let her know you are concerned for her, and hope she will get help to relieve some of her pain.
In the end, you won't be able to change sis, as I said. But you will need to set and keep, gently, your own boundaries for your own good.
I've had to walk away a few times and do things behind her back, which I don't like doing, but I have. One thing I did this week - I removed knives from my mothers room and brought them home. My sister still insists on taking her weekly groceries and left her some knives in case she wants to make a sandwich. I have tried to tell her - those days are long gone. "I know. I know". And yet, here we are. Same with money. She brings mom money weekly, not sure why. This week I told her to stop as mom was upset that someone stole her money (it wasn't stolen). Now, she's upset with mom because she misplaced her money.
I guess I am just going to have to keep doing what I feel is right for mom in any way that I can. I was just concerned and disturbed and thought that somehow, she could limit my interactions with mom based on the fact that she is POA. To me, being POA means you have the ability (and authority) to act with regards to financial and other important decisions. Right now, I don't feel like my sister could act her way out of a paper bag.