I had a painful and extremely vivid "fake" dream last night - in that - it never happened but it's still a nightmare. In that dream, my mom left her walker and then fell once she found me and I got so angry with her.
1. Thank God it was just a dream.
2. I never yelled at her in real life. Maybe I fussed but never yelled like I did in my dream.
3. In this dream, for whatever reason (I think I went to a public bathroom), I had to leave her alone for a few minutes and next thing I knew she tried to find me without her walker and then she fell when she found me.
I was so angry with her in my dream! Then, I was angry that she waited to fall right in front of me and (hate to say it) left me to sort it out.
Long story short, it was just a dream. If it had been real/true, she would've been in a wheelchair. I never would've taken her somewhere, no matter how pretty, if it required her to walk long or far. Still, it's odd.
It's odd because sometimes I can't even remember what I ate yesterday and yet this dream of her falling and me yelling at her was so vivid, when none of it happened. I'm usually crazy but in a fun way. This was not fun at all. I canceled attending an event today because I'd have these morbid thoughts and knew I wouldn't be fun at all. Oi. Thanks for listening.
I'm not sure if this pertains to you, but my mom always went "beyond nutty" when she was in the hospital. The things she thought she saw were beyond the belief of feasability for her to even imagine. For example, she was in the ICU ward and was completely convinced it was a brothel. It gets worse from there. We were told it was due to the added stress - and it didn't help when they kept moving her to different wards within the same hospital. So the medical professionals also put her on antipsychotic meds.
My family, also, had essentially a "Come to Jesus" meeting saying she would die immenently - and she didn't. Perhaps that would've been a blessing (figure of speech - after all this mess I am not religious).
It took 3+ years of sobbing for hours when I got home from work and self-medicating myself to get "over" her and my grandparents' deaths. It's been a long time now and I thought I was healthy and on an even keel, which is why that dream really freaked me out.
I'm glad your daddy's death anniversary doesn't seem to affect you. Just stay aware. My father died in June. We were not as close as I would have liked. His bday was in mid-December. I actually got a speeding ticket on his bday the same year after he died. I didn't even realize it until much later. In fact, I was so proud of myself for "handling" it. So here's a funny story...I was driving along doing errands and not in a rush to do anything. Then I saw the police lights in my rearview mirror and pulled over as soon as I could so the cop could catch the "bad guy." Needless to say, the bad guy was me! ACK!
I'm reluctant to point out any specific post because all have been helpful but I must especially agree with "sallie" who said, "Stress in real life creeps into our dreams." I am under a lot of stress. I often have vivid dreams, to the point of not remembering if I said something in real life or in my dreams. This was just so horrible, especially the part of seeing my mom trying to find me, FALLING, and then me yelling at her. The dream was so vivid I could actually draw a map and timeline of what happened. I was so freaked out even hours later, that I cancelled plans to do something fun. The whole dream was just odd and surprising even for me, but then her "death anniversary" is coming up so maybe that had something to do with it.
She had the "rudeness" to die the Sunday before Thanksgiving. If I were God, I'd ensure no one died between early November and late January because it just totally messes all the survivors up. It's never a good time, but that is whacked. I've been deeply humbled by so many of your posts, I'm almost too embarrassed to say anything in general.
For the record- the only time I even fussed at my mom was after she'd had some mini-strokes. She loved Diet Coke in a special sort of glass with a bent straw and both my sis and I made sure it was on a table right next to her, esp since her meds gave her dry mouth. But the strokes somehow destroyed her peripheral vision (imagine a horse with blinders on) so she'd just look straight ahead and ask where it was. I did fuss at her to turn her head so she could see it, but not often. That's the kicker...usually I put it in her hand.
Anyway, just a dream. "Keep calm and carry on" as they say.
I have heard WAY too many adults say things like, "Oh, I will never put my mother in a nursing home." Most are visualizing the "granny flat" attached to their own home with an independent granny who plays bridge with her friends 2x a week.
But they do not understand the reality of having a confused, sometimes combative, incontinent elder who cannot be left unattended for a second, living under the same roof with you - even if they are in the granny suite. My older brother the attorney, who was TOTALLY useless when dad needed help, still harbors some kind of fantasy that dad could have remained in his own home with just household help. He just did not "get it" at all. In fact, unless a person has been the caregiver, they never seem to "get it."
Yes, sometimes we do end up with PTSD....or at a least a bucketload of resentment. I am still resentful that my parents did not plan better for their own senescence. They were financially okay, but did not seem to "get it" that some day they would be old and not able to function independently. I kept begging them to move into one of those senior communities with the different levels or care, even offering to help orchestrate the move for them. But they kept refusing....which meant that dementia finally forced the issue and I had to make the choice for them. Why do so many parents place their adult children in that position? I keep seeing this over and over again on this forum.
And you said "She's been dead a number of years now, so you'd think I'd have learned how to manage by now..." well, you'd think that, but, you'd be wrong. I have not had a mom, dad, or mom and dad nightmare for several weeks now, and that's good...but its going on four years and the healing process continues. It's not so much "managing" anything but a drawn out process of debriefing, realizing certain things when yoru heart is ready to, redefining what you believe in and why, and letting joy and human connection seep back into your life as much as you can.
Back when I was working full-time I had stress-related dreams all the time. I'd dream about whatever was bothering me at work. Again, like your dream, I would dream about whatever it was I FEARED would happen at work - which almost never came to pass.
So while you may need to figure out ways to alleviate some of the stress you are under caring for your parents, this does NOT sound like PTSD, it just sounds like unrelieved stress.
Add mental issues, or physical illness issues, and the stress rates skyrocket.
Learn what the signs and symptoms are for PTSD.
There are many online resources for free.
Counselors understand that PTSD can happen even when things APPEAR 'calm' on the surface....it needs addressed and needs helped.....PTSD from caregiving is hand-in-hand with caregiver-burnout.
This list is a treasure---I don't know what might have happened to me, had I not found this list, to share posts on. It's literally helped me grab back some sanity and equilibrium, after we finally got Mom moved out of our place, and helped me make choices I never would have thought of, before, to help maintain the healing I needed. There are many other resources one can use, online, for free, to help decrease stress--thank God, and the folks who created them, for those sites!
A recent one found, is a YouTube video, that does about a half-hour guided meditation. It's not religious at all. Just very relaxing/restorative.
youtube/watch?v=XN1ngkASEbY
Pleasant, easy. There are many other sites, if following along with Liam is not your cup of tea. If you fall asleep while trying it, it becomes a "sleeping meditation"--meaning, you needed sleep!
It's helped reduce pain, helped sleep, helped decrease stress--all good.
I hope you can quickly find what you need to help restore calm and bring better dreams!
I honestly think some men don't know how to care for others, they tend to stand around with their hands in their pockets acting totally baffled. I blame their Mom for spoiling them.
Hubs is FINE with paying people to do a lot of things, so if I have to hire a housekeeper, so be it. Probably he'll be out of town and I will heal up better if he's just not here. (Sorry for hijacking this post!)
Turns out after sig other went into therapy that I realized why he acted that way toward me [he denies any of this happened, of course, he doesn't want to be looked upon as the bad guy].... he had seen too much cancer from immediate family members plus his late wife who all died that he thought that was going to happen with me.... thus the reason why he was lashing out at me. Unfair? You bet ya. That was 5 years ago and to this day I still resent how he acted toward me.
As Dr. Phil would say, "women have very long memories".
It doesn't matter if one lives long distant or a few houses away, the telephone ring is still starting.... my parents live literally around the corner from me.... being both are in their mid-90's and in good health for their age, you never know what might happen. I think it is part of the *what if* syndrome.
I am obsessed about my parents, like you are about your Dad. I don't think our parent understands the stress this is causing us.... how I wished my parents would have moved into a retirement community where they can CALL on others to help them. Thus, if Dad falls, Mom could buzz security and they can come running.... leave me out of the loop as Dad usually doesn't get hurt when he falls.