I had a painful and extremely vivid "fake" dream last night - in that - it never happened but it's still a nightmare. In that dream, my mom left her walker and then fell once she found me and I got so angry with her.
1. Thank God it was just a dream.
2. I never yelled at her in real life. Maybe I fussed but never yelled like I did in my dream.
3. In this dream, for whatever reason (I think I went to a public bathroom), I had to leave her alone for a few minutes and next thing I knew she tried to find me without her walker and then she fell when she found me.
I was so angry with her in my dream! Then, I was angry that she waited to fall right in front of me and (hate to say it) left me to sort it out.
Long story short, it was just a dream. If it had been real/true, she would've been in a wheelchair. I never would've taken her somewhere, no matter how pretty, if it required her to walk long or far. Still, it's odd.
It's odd because sometimes I can't even remember what I ate yesterday and yet this dream of her falling and me yelling at her was so vivid, when none of it happened. I'm usually crazy but in a fun way. This was not fun at all. I canceled attending an event today because I'd have these morbid thoughts and knew I wouldn't be fun at all. Oi. Thanks for listening.
Many long-term family caregivers suffer from a "companion symbiosis" which is mostly report in a husband-wife team but I believe is also in other situations (such as yours). This requires therapy and a lot of self-care. I know as I am at the very beginning of this process for myself.
Good luck to you. You are an angel.
Gemma2
Caring involves supressing rage and anger and impatience. Whether you are at times angry and frustrated with your loved one, or at the disease/old age reducing them to 'toddlers'.
It is only natural that that suppressed anger/frustration finds a way to pop out in your dreams.
The fact that you never shouted at mum means there is no problem here. But even if you did on odd occassion, we can't beat ourselves up.
It is the toughest job and none of us are really trained to cope.
You sound upset with yourself, yet you have no need to be.
I'd recommend Mindfulness Training (great iphone app, Mindfulness Daily, that reminds you gently and talks you through breathing and Mindfulness exercises... got me through awful last 3 months of my lovely mum's life this year, and the funeral, and is incorporated into my life now to the piint tgat 2 deep calm breaths calms me diwn immediately, whatever the situation.
You can also scour YouTube for Mindfulness Training clips... try a few to find one that works for you.
I recommend them to everyone on this site. Sounds a bit 'hippy', but I have my 89 year old dad hooked on them now too. (You can buy CDs if you don't have iphones.. but Youtube is a great free resource.)
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