My father is 81 lives in a facility and has dementia. He is not in the late stages not even close and sometimes acts completely normal. I’m an only child and the only o e who visits him. I visit often - at least 4 times a week. Sometimes our visits are good and we strike up conversations with staff or other residents while participating in activities, but more times than not our visits consist of me trying to redirect my father because he says it’s time to leave (both of us)! He constantly (for the past 3 years) asks for his car he insists he has to go home to his house, or when I’m ready to leave, he asks to come with me. Leaving is the worst part of my visit because no matter what I say even if I fib and say I have a doctors appointment he still wants to come with me. it breaks my heart because he has even said that he will wait in the car It’s not that I run in and run out because I usually stay 3 to 4 hours - and sometimes it’s great, but leaving is just impossible. When it’s time for me to go and he asks to come with me how do I politely and lovingly say no you have to stay here. (i’ve tried saying that he lives there and I’m just visiting but that did not go over well so I try to stay away from that). And regardless of how confused he may seem when it’s time for me to leave and he’s communicating that he wants to come he sounds more lucid than ever! This is not a situation where I can make up a crazy excuse and assume that he will forget in five minutes because that’s not how it goes. Right after I leave the phone calls start and it just breaks my heart
At some point, you're going to have to grit your teeth and tell your dad the cold hard truth whether it sounds loving or not. Avoid swearing or yelling, but be firm.
I do most sincerely wish you all the best in this.
I think you need a pat answer to tell dad each & every time when he asks the question about coming home with you: You are here under doctor's orders, dad. I will speak to the doctor and if he says you are well enough to come home, THEN we will talk about it. But until that happens, you have to live here, per the doctor's orders. See you later, dad, gotta run.
Let the phone calls go to voice mail, too. Yes, the whole situation is heartbreaking but dad is where he's at for safety reasons, and that's the good news. I went through similar things with my mother when she lived in Memory Care, and she could get quite ugly about her insistence on coming home with me and moving in, telling me I was lying to her about my house not being wheelchair accessible. It didn't matter what I said, she would accuse me of lying. It led to me cutting my visits short at times, in all honesty. Dementia doesn't lend itself well to reason or logic, or to them understanding it. They run on pure emotion, which in turn forces US to run on pure emotion, regardless of knowing they're safe where they're at, and it's best for all concerned. Our hearts hurt and that's all we know at those moments. It even leads to us questioning our decision in the first place; like 'did I do the right thing here?' knowing full well it WAS the right thing! IYKWIM.
Dementia ruins everyone's life, not just the elder. Ain't that the truth?
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
Can you leave right at a meal time so that you can leave while he is eating.
In both cases once he is seated you can go use the washroom and leave. Don't say good bye just leave.