Did anyone else's relationship fall apart because of the stress of caregiving?

Well, church won't necessarily make him stop using, unless the pastor is someone he would accept individual counseling from. They always say that if your spouse won't come to counseling with you, go by yourself. It could give you strength to decide what you will and won't tolerate if you stay in the marriage.

It does become eye opener for the future.... if your spouse/sig other is acting this way now, how are they going to be if you should become ill with age related decline or develop dementia.

Who would want to spend their last years with someone who is angry at you because you are ill, and/or is too busy with a hobby [like watching sports to the extreme] to help you around the house, etc.

I totally agree with you veterans and have suggested that on several occasions but being avoidant, the answer is always, it will get better. I even asked him to consider going back to church with me again. Perhaps he will accept one.

Sharadale - you are angry because you see your husband as deliberately selfish - and the whining that you "won't let him" get expensive crap you don't need has got to be grating on your nerves. There is something left in your relationship though because you love him despite all of this.

Marijuana reduces frontal lobe function - which means lower initiative, lower judgement, lower empathy. If he has addled his brains enough with it, he will sit there and think that you "said it was OK to sell the wedding ring!" BUT - it could also become a wake up call for you two to get into counseling. I think there is a high chance it would succeed because it sounds like you both value your relationship. (I mean marital counseling, but who knows, maybe budget/credit counseling too. None of the nice things you own could be nicer than the gift of financial security but that will take some buy-in to agree to live within your means and stop sniping about it.) In any event, having a third party present the more adult perspective could take the wind out of the sails of him making you bad guy for not gratifying his every want! He does not have to "admit" to anything, he just has to change his ways and look at things in terms of mutual goals and shared responsibility. You might actually seek out a male counselor who could tell him man to man that he needs to man up here.

My husband has been used to me working full time making more money than he does, but last year when I became unable to work, my mom moved in so we could spend what little time she has left. She is 90 and has COPD and this has been a hell of a year with her hospitalization a and NH for rehab. It has been very stressful and has taken a lot of my time.
I do have an income because I have a full pension of over $2000 a month. My husband is also retired and has a pension that is a little less than mine but he works about 20 hours part time. We have two car payments, a large mortgage and health insurance, car insurance, homeowners, property tax and utilities to pay. When my husband got his car he had a different job and was making a significantly higher salary u til he lost that job. On top of all that, my husband smokes a lot of pot as his way to deal with stress. This has been a major bone of contention because we just can't afford it. He is so self centered and was very spoiled by his mother and sees women as the ones responsible for making him happy. He doesn't admit that of course so we are just always seeing things differently.
Two weeks ago, he was hospitalized for diverticulitis and high blood pressure. This caused more financial pressure that we didn't need. I was a bit perturbed because this is the third ER visit this year and he never follows up on it.
Having to take care of mom and then deal with him when he doesn't want to change anything gets me crazy!
The first thing after he got out of the hospital he drove off to meet his brother and friend to get some weed. Then he asked me for money two days later. I explained that we didn't have money for that. He kept nagging me about it and finally gave him $90. Then here it is Friday, he got paid but only got two half days. We are two months late on the car payments and I am taking more money out of my annuities to pay off the cars so I don't have that stress. When I told him that we were overdrawn and he couldn't buy any pot, he was like, well just get some money from your mom! I just got so pissed! I said he was selfish and self centered and always put himself first. I was not going to get money from my mo to pay for a habit that I don't approve off especially when we have more important bills to pay. He is always complaining that he needs things that I won't let hi have. He says stuff like, looks like I'll never get that. Since he retired 3 years ago, I bought him the car, a new camera, a jet ski, 5 guitars, a Koug Keyboard and a an amp and microphone. He has a $1700 road bike and a $1400 mountain bike down he still is not satisfied! In the same time, I bought myself a new bed, a handgun, and a ring. What did he buy me? A sweater.
I just can't stand his selfish stupid ass! There are times when I really love him but there are other times when I just want him to go away and never come back.
My Mom and I get along well and she never interferes with my relationship with my husband and I, but he says stuff to me like, you know if she was in an assistive living home she would be spending a lot of money on that! I understand that but she is not costing any more money being here than if we were here alone. We are building an addition so she can have a bigger room and a bathroom, but she is paying for all of that and has given me free rein in choosing tile etc. if I did ask her for money she would give it to me, but I am one of the few kids she has that hasn't asked for anything over the years. I am just so tired of arguing over the same things. I told him to take my wedding ring and sell it to get his marijuana because I am questioning what it means. Thanks for listening

As to "AnitaSmith" spam post, this is now the third time this type of alleged "spiritual" hype has been posted. This spammer just doesn't give up.

As always, reported for Admin review.

Yep, there are some real winners out their who program their children to be subject to their emotional blackmail via Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The adult children as so blinded by the FOG that they can't hardly see that they are offering themselves continually as a victim for their parent(s) abuse.

My wife really had a battle with that several years ago which was sending her to the mental hospital because of not being able to set boundaries with he mother and that also impacted how really present she was with me and with our children. I was the first one to set boundaries with her mom after years of enduring her and then my wife set boundaries with her. Since then, I have felt like I have my wife back and the children felt like they had their mom back and she is happier to have her life back. Somehow she had gotten implanted in her brain that she was supposed to mother her mother which kept her form focusing on the children as a mother. And this was all before her mother even needed to go to assisted living which she is in right now while her twin sister lives right there and has to be at her every call despite the fact that she is a uterine cancer survivor since 2001. Most people don't live as long as she has after coming down with that and getting treated.

I think it is almost uncanny how parents engender so much guilt about not catering to their every desire - beyond what they really need - while the caregiver son or daughter is left unable to see that their responsibility to their spouse, their own children, and their own health doesn't even register. A spouse who helps *substantially* with caregiving instead of letting the caregiver burn out is worth their weight in gold, and that plus firm limit-setting and a little respite built in is probably the only chance for a difficult home caregiving situation to work out.

This very issue is why I started a new thread about the collateral fallout of broken marriages @ https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/collateral-damage-of-marriages-in-caregiving-175783.htm?cpage=0&cm=433111#433111

caregiving is hard work. I take care of my husband of 29 years, and I have had times this last year of thinking if I ever get him well I will leave!!!! I won't I know but it is nice to think about!! When people are sick and in pain they are a lot of work and sometime(most of the time) they are not very nice. they can be mean and that is hard to deal with when you are giving up your life for them!

caregiving is hard work. I take care of my husband of 29 years, and I have had times this last year of thinking if I ever get him well I will leave!!!! I won't I know but it is nice to think about!! When people are sick and in pain they are a lot of work and sometime(most of the time) they are not very nice. they can be mean and that is hard to deal with when you are giving up your life for them!

How I wish I'd had a crystal ball or knew of this site before I allowed my MIL to move in with us three years ago. It did change the relationship with my husband of 37 yrs. I hope we can get it back where we were. We also have a disabled son and he is our top priority. I became resentful and angry, I didn't like who I was becoming. Depressed already, it's worse now.
My MIL and I had always been close, we were good friends and talked all the time. I did it out of love for her and thought my heart was in the right place. I truly wish I'd had the forethought and really thought it out. It was ok at first...but steadily became worse and she became more needy. She could be a real drama queen and was already in the beginning stages of dementia. She is addicted to pain pills and could not manage her meds or remember if she'd taken them, so I took over and she was argumentative about that and wanted control again. She was also constantly concerned about constipation. She started falling, hit her head/eye brow hard. Have called 911 three times in the last 3 months. She would be up all night, that's mostly when she fell (slept a lot during the day), waking me up to help her go to the bathroom, knocking on our door for the dumbest things. The last time she fell, we took her to the ER and had her placed in a nursing home. She was mad and said some mean things and hurtful things to me. She has apologized, but I am totally burned out and have only seen her once since. Honestly, my husband sees her more now than when she lived here because he avoided her because she could be so annoying. Her other son in another state calls her more too - he used to breeze in for a weekend every three or four months. But mostly ignored her.
If anyone reading this is considering having a parent move in - please think long and hard. No matter how close you are and how well you get along now. Please don't let guilt be your guide. If they can't take care of themselves or manage meds, they either need a home aid, assisted or a nursing home. She needed more than I could give, I was on duty 24/7. It will change your life and the dynamics of your family. It is so nice to have my home back.

After reading some of your storie, I am a very lucky girl. My husband NEVER says a word about me taking care of my mom. He grew up in a household that took care of the grandparents. His paternal grandmother moved in with them when he was 10 and lived with them until she died when he was 19. I will admit it was more like an "aunt B" situation where she cooked and kept the house cleaned while my mother in law worked, but still. She wasn't able to live alone, nor could she afford it, so they took her in and loved every minute of it. Then his maternal grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers and my mil spent 5 years sharing responsiblities with her siblings. He totally understands the responsiblities. While I am at my mom's and he is home, he will do the dishes, run the vacuum, etc. When my mom was on hospice and I "moved" in with her last summer he offered many times to sit with her and let me rest.--understand he owns a lawn care service and mows til dark in the summer and still offered to help out. My only issue is with her and her attitude. She didn't want him staying with her so it always had to be me. My husband is a jewel, it is my mother that is the issue. I cannot divorce her. Ha!

I am really sorry that you are going through this. These other halfs are planting a seed. Just remember, they will reap what they sow. Their time will come. If it doesn't, then they will be this old lonely man that doesn't have anyone that gives a "blankity blank" about them and they will be the one's sitting in pity one day. Shame on them!!! Big Hugs to you!!

Wow, that's an interesting story! That's one powerful application of mental thinking, isn't it? Very tempting to try.

I like the caperguy, outstanding my thoughts directly.

I don't want to be mean but if a man can't stand by his wife while she is taking care of HIS mother or father then be at peace with him leaving. Don't be stuck taking care of a man who can't appreciate you.

In the beginning, my friends mother (our 86 year old was having early dementia, later stages now and I knew it, so I helped her out automatically, I have a disability too and . WHAT IS NOT RIGHT FOR ONE PERSON WITH A DISABILITY IS NOT RIGHT FOR US ALL. He was the one that wanted to abandon her, (but not really) he did not know what he was made of and his oldest brother and oldest sister made themselves POA, and from that standpoint made him feel helpless, but they do not have POAs anymore and although it has been a struggle, we did not give up and our relationship has been better for it, she lives with us 1 and 1/2 years now.
When she wasn't she went downhill fast while only in a facility (upscale) for 13 weeks, and he was miserable, we are not rich but they were spending her money like she was...and she ( 86 year old) had to sell her home because of their (POAs) mistakes.
You are here do you look at all the other questions on this sight? There is one called You know you are a caregiver....It might relieve some tension.
If you are really broke and your mothers only income (money) is from social security, you might qualify for "cash and counselin" a program that pays family members for caring for her, the only way you will know if if you go to a public aide office, you could get paid for caring.

I have no idea why some people stay to become caregivers while others decide to move on and forget about their responsibilities. my ex wife the mother of my injured daughter visited her daughter at the nursing home for about 3 years. then she stopped all visitation and connections with her daughter. the mother actually was not the person who raised my daughter I did. so maybe my ex wife hasn't really had a relationship like I have with my daughter.
I think the same goes for adult family members.
some people are caregivers and some people care about themselves
thanks
Richard young

I know I sound like a broken record, but my mother was near death, living alone and putting my sister through hell. No one that knew Mother thought that she would stay in the NH. But, she has and is thriving! Her health is 100% better, with 24 hour care, bathes, and nutrition. We buried my sister a year ago tomorrow, a day before her 70th birthday. Once the caregiver dies (and they do) the patient has to move on. People need to think "what happens, if I am no longer able to care for mom?"

Thanks for the reply. I agree, tell my wife.... She won't hear it about placing her mom.

good comments - but- husband and wife put each other first - when it reaches a point that caregiving is all-consuming, then time for some type of institution, AL, NH, whatever. Really, any decent parent should not have to be forced into this - they should understand that when you live on, and on, and on...there are going to be consequences - which should fall on you, you have had your life, so let your kids have theirs

Whoops, typo. Meant to say her MOTHER, my mother in law.

From the other perspective... I'm about to turn 46, wife is 53. We've had her mother in law with us for four years four months. We've been married six years three months. I am a very patient man, and in reality I do the majority of the daytime caregiving since I'm self-employed. Wife works, and must for both money and benefits for us. We have only one lady come in for four hours a day twice a week, that's all the help there is. That is nowhere near the help we need, as my mother in law needs 24/7 care and attention, from getting up, washed and dressed, to fixing meals and constant attention/companionship, to the end of the day getting her upstairs and ready for bed. My wife is so burnt out and fatigued, and she is well aware of the stress and strain it is putting on us in all facets - physically, emotionally, financially, our marriage. There is no time for us AT ALL. I am more than willing to help out - Heck, I moved my ENTIRE life and business to another state just so my wife could be within 15 minutes of her mother before we got married. Do I feel neglected and put aside? HECK YES!! I got married to have a partner in living life, not a life of caregiving, and certainly not a life of caregiving without any help whatsoever. I have done more than I care to type right now, including trying to communicate with my wife that we need help - It's been since July of 2010 when we first contacted the local Alzheimer's Association that I've asked over and over and over again for help. My wife is not dumb, she knows EVERY SINGLE FACET of the damage this is causing. And yet, her guilt consumes her and refuses to allow her to engage in outside help. I am frustrated beyond belief with everything. I do not believe you should totally disregard your spouse or significant other to care for a parent. You can care for them and be their advocate without tossing aside your loved one. My wife will say to me, "You know if your mother ever gets this way I'll do for her." The difference is, I'll NEVER put her in the position to do that. I love my mother, and will care for her and be her advocate, but we have an understanding (her idea, since my grandmother had Alzheimers and my mom for all intents and purposes gave up practically everything to care for her) that I am to NEVER give up my life for her, no matter how bad it gets. It's not mean, it's not insensitve, it's not devoid of feelings. I don't judge those that are doing it 100% alone, but I feel if you are in a relationship with someone, you shouldn't just push them aside. It's not fair....
I do feel bad for those that have insensitive spouses or significant others that don't want to pitch in. That also is not fair, you should step up and help in some fashion, absolutely.

Okay, tell me how this computes for you, Molly, 'cos I can't work it out. My other half has found he's unable to support me in looking after my mother; and as I said, fair enough. YOUR other half is unable to support you in looking after HIS mother??? - and, er… how is that fair???

OMG. My MIL moved in with us a year ago. It has caused enormous strain on the relationship. I was thinking just last night that I can't continue . I am giving most of the care. Fortunately, I have aid during the day , but the evenings are all me. SHe has to have help going to bathroom. Constantly constipated, but can't take the cramps accosicated with laxatives. Always giving the aide a diffcult time. I think she wants to get rid of her. She says that no body in this house recognizes that she is sick.
My husband doesn't acknowledge that I can be tired, getting up in the middle of the night whrn she calls. What he says is that I go in there a lot too!! Not possible, because she doesn't want hime to help with bathroom.
I am totally burned out.
She has been difficult from the beginning of our relationship, asking me to leave and she thought I wasn't the right person for him.
She is mean. She is 92 years old, and I obviously don't know whatthat is like, but I am not sure that the marriage will last. I am sad to think of that, but I am almost at my wits wnd here.
It helps to know there I am not the only one with this craziness!!

Good luck to all of you and may you have some peace and quiet, this holiday season. It is tough just keeping up with my MILs needs at the AL. I can't imagine, if she lived here.

Sweetie, you are not alone!! My husband has pulled this same crap a couple of times...expects bills to be paid in full ASAP, is on my back continually because I do not have a job that "pays better money"--as if I enjoy working at a job that pays so little (!!)--and if we did not live with in my parent's home and care for my dad we'd be homeless....! Then he snaps to his senses and realizes, DUH, that despite the difficulties this is the hand we've been dealt and to GROW UP.

Your boyfriend lost the best thing that most likely ever came, or ever will come, into his life. I mean this!!! You have an inner strength that you've acquired because you have coped with the slings and arrows of Outrageous Life's Fortune.

You are precious. He is clueless.

Does a significant other have to be a saint to stay? Can we shift our priorities some? I don't know. My now ex-boyfriend said it wasn't the caregiving that bothered him but that I didn't give him the kind of attention he needed. I felt like "taking care of him" was just more work and I didn't feel like I was giving out of love or desire but because it was "expected." The break up was kind of mutual. It all just took too much energy. I wonder how much commitment plays a part? Are there couples on this site committed to caregiving as a team? I read a blog by a woman who has her dad and FIL, who have dementia, and her elderly mother living with her and her husband. They committed to caring for their parents as long as they are able. Team work is better. My outlook is so different when I have friends or family supporting me, verbally and physically, as I care for my father who is in 3rd-stage dementia. But I also know that it's kind of hard on my kids to see their grandfather in this condition.

Mom is 92, has to watch her heart condition, is taking the routine drugs for it, doesn't use a walker or cane, although she probably should, and moved into an apartment in my complex that has no club house, transportation, handicap access, or other amenities. It is cheaper than most apartments but still too expensive really for both of us. Living under one roof is totally out of the question. We'd kill each other. But now, the stairs and her fragility is increasing every day and I am not sure what to do. OR even what she will allow me to do. I am the executive of her will only if she loses her mind completely.

If I apply for low income housing for seniors (I am turning 62 this year), I can provide for myself well, but she may pass away before the waiting list gives her a turn. Is it worth the effort to try for her? She needs a different kind of place. I live seclusion, she needs social activities.

Also, she has assets in funds from the sale of her condo sale about 3 years ago and she did not give away any money to spend down for medicaid. What will happen if she falls and needs assisted living or worse, a nursing home? How can I prepare for this now? Mom shouts and yells horrible accusations at me if I suggest we go see an elder lawyer whom I know who can see us free for a half hour. I am going by myself. what should I ask him?

any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.

Yes, my best friend left today for Georgia. We lived together in Maryland the past 7 years. She tried to endure the past two years having my elderly mother live with us. She was kind, humorous and my rock of support. Shedid eeverything for my mom. But my selfish mom was unfriendly and never smiled and constantly complained. My time has been devoted to my full time job and taking care of my mom. I am depressed today but someday my partner and I will once again have a home. So yes care giving has caused me to now have a house and not a happy home. I feel sad for others whose relationships have suffered. I agree that you really have little time to nurture your relationship and that is so unfair. My mother doesn't care all she worries about is her care.