Mom (80s) has lived in a 5-star SNF for 4 years and suffers from multiple chronic conditions, takes 10 meds daily, uses a walker but generally is not happy. She disengages from the other residents and refuses to participate in activities, shower, etc. The staff and facility are A#1 and have been a god-send! It is 15 minutes from where I live. However, Mom wants to move in with her niece, 2 other adults and numerous pets into a small 2-bedroom residence. This would be a 2-hour drive for me and I have medical and legal POA. Mom remembers when she was 15 years younger and she shared a residence with her niece. Mom also has cognitive decline with delusions, visions, etc. and is not rational, but according to her tests not bad enough to be in the dementia wing. Her niece is retired but in questionable health and travels for weeks at a time. She also has a laissez-faire style and would not enforce a med schedule or nutritious meals. I am worried that Mom would move in and things would not go well after the initial honeymoon period. Her niece does have some medical work experience but is not an LPN or RN. I do not believe that this is the best place for Mom and also I fear that her niece is really interested in her SS dollars. (She has a track record of lying, stealing and cheating others to gain material possessions and large sums of money.) I fear that Mom will move out of the SNF and then I will have a very difficult time getting her back in or at the very least locating another top-notch facility. Mom is a narc and very manipulative and is getting worse as she ages. There is no pleasing her and the relationship if affecting my health. Any suggestions out there?
I think you already know the answer and are looking for confirmation.
Go with your gut on this! You are POA!
Thank the niece for her offer and let her know that she is not in the best position to provide the cares your mother needs. A SNF is where she needs to be.
You have addressed your own answer.
As you are legally responsible, not only is this a very tentative, potentially, if not probably, an unstable living situation, your mom, in your words "also has cognitive decline with delusions, visions, etc. and is not rational..." and she is in her 80s with top notch care where you can be an integral part of overseeing her care, and visit / support her regularly.
I do not see any ... reason or solid basis for making a decision to move your mother. She will not be content no matter where she is. Mother is in a fantasy of how it used to be.
She is unable to cognitively evaluate the potential situation / outcome / care / lack of care / being left alone / the possible stealing ... and on and on. It is up to you to make these decisions for her that are in her best welfare - that she cannot make herself.
She is in the best living situation she could be in and that is a blessing and a half. How many of us could say our parents / elder family members are in a housing development like that ? (none to very few). Or that we might be able to be in a living situation like that when we need it ? (very few).
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I think that's the phrase. In other words, be VERY VERY ... and very grateful that your mom has the best of care now and that you are close enough to visit regularly.
If I were you, I would (try to) focus on more one-on-one interactions with your mom - with volunteers, perhaps friends. Try to engage her more to feel connected - to herself and her environment. Perhaps a medication change could help her. I appreciate you taking good care of her.
Lastly, how much interaction does her niece have with her now? If possible, I would limit that now since it is a trigger for your mom wanting to move in a potentially unstable household. The goal is keep your mom as calm and emotionally centered/stable as possible. This means telling her what will calm her down or give her hope. Perhaps you can say, "we're working on it" - leave that door open in her mind... give her hope to manifest her fantasies, while you equally focus on keeping her as engaged as possible. Give / get her a massage or regular massages if this might help relax her. Even a shoulder rub, hand, or foot massage helps. It is the touch connection that matters.
Gena / Touch Matters
My mother was similar and wanted to move from a great AL to an inferior one where she thought she would be happy. I said no. She didn't like it but that's OK. Your job is to look after her "needs", not her "wants". You know perfectly well even if she did move she wouldn't be happy for long.
I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult position. This is a good forum to get support from others who know what you're going through. Good luck.
If your mum is deemed competent, then you can't stop her moving in with your cousin. However, if she is deemed incompetent, and seeing as you have POA, I would say no. This would be an inappropriate living arrangement, as the accommodation would be overcrowded and not set up for someone with cognitive impairment.
You know that this would cause you more problems in the future, so put your foot down now. Use your POA and the inadequacy of the living arrangements to oppose this.
If you are funding your mum's living arrangements and care - STOP! Your mum should have the care and accommodation she can afford. No more, no less.
If your mum is giving you a hard time, then manage her care from a distance, with short visits. You can't change how she feels about where she lives, so don't even try.
Take care of yourself and your own health. Good luck!
1. Get the niece to enter into a contract in which you set out the terms of care (and list EVERYTHING).
2. Agree to the monthly rate and food allowance (as part of the contract).
3. Your mother should have her own room, bed and toilet facility (part of the contract) where she can remove herself from the chaos of 4 adults and various pets in a 2 bedroom residence.
4. When the niece travels, define the sort of person required to monitor the household (read “your mother”) and put a price tag on it (so that the help fund doesn’t become a slush fund).
5. Contractually stipulate the niece’s responsibility to find your mother a place equal to or better than where she is now when your mother, or her niece, or the other residents, get fed up with the situation and it all goes to hell in a hand basket - it will.
5. You see where I’m going with this so extend the contract as you see fit.
6. And, finally, and most importantly, get both your mother and her niece to sign this (or you sign for your mother) in front of a notary and have it stamped with an official seal.
Your mother’s niece will run for the hills and you will be doing your mother’s bidding.
Good luck!
These rules will all be broken day 1
Its your job as POA to keep mom safe and cared for where she's at right now, vs a pie in the sky promise elsewhere. It's a no brainer, imo.