While I was asleep and, presumably after she had used the toilet, my wife removed her Assurance Maximum Absorbency underwear and wet our bed for the second time in a week. Although she is physically in good shape, she has no short-term and little long-term memory. She has a caregiver 4 hr/day, 4 days a week, and I am her caregiver the rest of the time. I am stressed most of the time, and I lost 7 lb in the past 5 months.
You can struggle along trying to keep up with her inappropriate and unsanitary behavior. You can decide to live with things you never thought would happen, such as her peeing in unthinkable places, or finding her poop somewhere you never expected it to be (my dear husband took it out of the toilet and placed it in the middle of the bathroom floor, among other locations). You can hope to overcome your dislike of changing messy disposable underwear on the love of your life, and you can cry alone in the night because you never thought it would come to this.
Or you can, right this minute, decide that you aren't the caregiver that she needs at this point. She is very sick and won't get better. You aren't doing so well yourself. Stress can kill you. Then who advocates for her and makes those big decisions?
Please find a lovely memory care home where you can visit with her, feel those loving feelings, and be assured that professional caregivers are providing the best care possible. I went through this with my beloved husband, the light of my life, the happiness of my days. I am with him in his memory care facility almost every day. We still laugh together. We kiss and hug. We wish it were otherwise and that he could live at home, but it can't be. He's too sick. For this last step of our journey together, he needs more care than I'm capable of giving. That's not his fault or mine, and I feel no guilt. He is content in his facility. He is loved by the people who work there. He loves them too.
Home care isn't always the best. I wish you and your wife well, and I hope you can find the best place for her.
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Best of luck to you.
The answer to when it is time, is when you feel you can no longer manage her care at home. It sounds like you are already there.
If you do decide to continue at home, I would recommend a hospital bed for your wife, with a waterproof covered mattress; bed pads, and a second caregiver to help at nights. It may be easier for your wife to use the pull up style absorbent underwear, but adult tabbed diapers offer better protection, if she is fully incontinent.
Another thing you can do is set up an alarm that will wake you when she gets out of bed, so you can monitor her. You cold prevent her from doing things like removing the protective underwear before returning to bed, or anything unsafe she might do in the middle of the night.
Your wife may need more care than Assisted Living.
After being in the hospital, the hospital and hospice company both said that she could not come home. Still, remembering her reaction, I believe I caused her sadness at a time when she could no longer express it. At a time when change was impossible for her to understand, removing her from her familiar home was terrible.