Follow
Share

Our mother is in rehab. She had cancer but a cancer drug has made the cancer undetectable. She had other medical problems and had trouble walking but that might have been because of the cancer. Now though she is weak and can't walk. That may be because she doesn't eat. She says she wants to die. At one point she said that the only way to do that was not to eat. We could have her fed against her will though a feeding tube. However, beside the fact that, that would cause discomfort it would be against her wishes. We instead of been trying to encourage her to see the bright side of living a little longer but have not been successful in getting her to eat that way. Any suggestions?

Your mother knows her own mind, and she has made her wishes clear. It would be cruel not to let her exit this life the way she wants.

Spend time with her now, tell her you love her, emphasize that she's been a wonderful mom. Then let nature take its course.

This is what I'd want my children to do for me if I were in your mom's place.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

DoNot do the feeding tube.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to KNance72
Report
ElizabethAR37 Apr 27, 2026
Absolutely no feeding tube--or ventilator or other "heroic measures" for me! Please!! (I'm 89 with age-related health issues.)
(4)
Report
In a different circumstance, my dad was in rehab, not making progress, feeling sad and miserable, uncooperative, and simply not like himself. He’d long told me he loved his family and friends, but the issues of declining health made him ready to die. We consulted his doctor, the same one who’d overseen many rounds of treatment and rehab. This time the doctor said “if he was my dad I’d bring him home and let him die in peace” We talked to dad and he chose exactly that for himself. He came home with hospice services, had a few excellent weeks, then a steep decline, and died within six weeks. He was kept comfortable and peaceful throughout. I can’t say what’s right for your mother, I do know it’s impossibly difficult. Ask yourself, what are you saving her for? More treatment, more unhappiness, more losses? I really came to understand that life does reach a point when it’s just too much. Sounds like your mom may be there. Do what will give her and you peace, knowing there’s an end date for us all. I wish you rest and peace
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

So sorry to read your post. It sounds like rehab is not working for her. She is declining. You will probably get notified by the rehab that Medicare won't be paying for it any longer and she will be discharged. So you will have decisions to make.

There is a point where there is no bright side to living longer. Just continue to be there for her at this time of her life. Allow her the dignity of making her own decisions as far as treatment (no feeding tube). Being there for her might be enough of a bright side for her to want to hang on a bit longer.

I wish you peace as you navigate this. It's not easy.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report

If your Mother is not cognitively impaired then she gets to call the shots of her life. If she has her mind and you are not her legal representative then you have no power to force her to do anything against her will unless you are in a country other than the US.

FYI a person can last a very long time without food but only a few days without fluid. So, if she's drinking anything, it will take her longer to pass.

Is she at home or in a facility? Maybe time to get her assessed for hospice so that it goes as well as it can.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

I am so sorry this is the journey you are walking through. I know the struggle between "taking over" to keep them here as long as possible and letting them choose their own end of life journey. The one thing I keep asking myself is "Before they became ill, what would they (my familty member) have told me to do for them in this position; Would they want autonomy or would they want me to decide for them? Would they want me to encourage joy in the moments they have left or would they want me to hold their hand while they make the choices I don't like?" Your post sounds like you mother has clarity of mind so she should have autonomy over these decisions. If she has cognitive impairement, than you have some difficult decisions to make. Know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Most of us are walking the same path.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Stahtah
Report

I think you're making the right call by NOT placing a feeding tube.
If she doesn't want to eat, let her be, don't force her. She knows her body.
She will eat if she's hungry, and if she doesn't want to, that's her choice.

Is she cooperating in rehab? Is she participating? It could be that she will improve and feel stronger after rehab, but if she refuses to participate, they will have to discharge her. Encourage her to try and work with therapists to improve her strength and she may start to feel better.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

You can’t save your mother but you can either help her with comfort care so her end is peaceful and without conflict or you can fight her wishes and make her more miserable than she already is.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ShirleyDot
Report

dilemma, welcome to the forum. Is your Mom's rehab center part of a nursing home? I know when my Mom (97) could no longer do rehab and was failing, the rehab center moved her into their nursing home wing where she spent her final weeks.


Mom needed 24-hour care, plus 2 people to help her roll over in bed every couple of hours. Mom was self-paying once she moved into the nursing home wing. And she received hospice care while there. Her passing was very peaceful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

If she is in Rehab, she won't be able to stay there if she can't do her PT. Can you bring her home with help?

I would bring her home on Hospice but you will do most of the work. Hospice will provide an aide 2x a week for bathing. Try and see if you can get more hours. A nurse will check on her every week or so. She may do better in familiar surroundings. She is probably depressed. Just be aware that on Hospice there will be no doctor or hospital visits. I swore after my Moms last Rehab, there would be no more.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter