How can my siblings abandoned my mother, she was a good mom?

Lonewolf, I am sorry things are so hard for you and sounds like has been for awhile.... what came to mind reading your post was that we all have a different perspective of how things were growing up... not right or wrong, just different.... I'm sure my sisters feel the same about me in regard to our dad.... I did not have the same sense of duty and obligation that they had, I had a very different experiance with him than they did..... so I was not as present as they were... and I am not negating or excusing your sibs for not being present.... just trying to give you a little peek into the other side of the coin.... of course I have no way of knowing why they are not present.... but the blessing for you is that you did all you could and you will have no regrets....I don't have any regrets either in regard to my dad, that being the difference in how people see , experiance and remember our history with our parents....so I hope you find some answers or eventually accept this is the way it is... doesn't make it right for you being the sole caregiver, but it is what it is..... prayers for you to have the strength and endurance to continue to be the loving person you are... much respect and admiration to you for doing a very hard job.... hugs to you

Thank you Ladee for your answer. You are right it depends on our history with our parents and I am trying to concentrate on the fact that I will have no regrets. But my two older sisters were the ones closer to my mom. She helped them raised their families, she clean their houses, babysit for their kids, etc. They do not work, I do. I never had children so she never lived with me when she was healthy, she always live with them. I understand what you said, but my mom was such good mom to all of us, she was mom and dad, since my dad was not a good dad. but my mom was especially good to them; always helping them with their houses and their kids. She was there for me,but I was the one that moved away, become independent, but it seems that I was the only one that always gave my mother a good time. Take her n vacation, for dinner etc, they just use her and when she got Dementia they could not use her anymore therefore it seems they have no love for her. How can they have forgotten all she was for all of us, but especially them. For months not even a phone call, not even for mothers day. How can she be dying with only one of her kids around her; after all she was for everyone?

Lonewolf, it's their loss. You just do what you know is right, and let it go.

Lonewolf, I am so sorry you are so hurt by thier actions... or lack of action I should say. Have you called them and asked them why??? What do they say? All I know for sure is, if you are the one who has stepped up, you are the one reaping the rewards.... there are many who have this same situation.... look around this sight, one thread, is about dysfunctional famillies... there may be some insight here for you..... is your mom aware they are not coming around??? I know it hurts you, but if nothing can be done, then it's going to take all your energy to present for your mom.... I am sorry they are selfish and uncaring, but thank goodness you are not that way.... keep us posted on your mom and how you are doing.... hugs to you..

Sadly, this happens a lot. I am one of six children and I am the one who took care of Mom. One lives out of state and the rest live out of town, but not so far away that they could not have come more often. At the end, they did, but that's too late as far as I am concerned. I felt so bad for Mom because she would as me why they didn't come more often. Mom is gone now, and they all did chip in to help pay for her funeral. She only had a small funeral policy so quite a bit was left owing. I am trying very hard not to hold any hard feelings. I am so sorry for your situation. I will never understand how anyone can abandon their mother, especially one like you have described. Keep doing what you are doing. Believe me, it will be a comfort to you to know you did all you could. They will have to deal with their own feelings. Good luck.

Contact your local hospice center. They can help. Good luck

Hi Lonewolf, I am in the same situation. When all is said and done your sisters are selfish. No matter what their history was with their mom they should step up to the plate and care for her now. Especially because she did so much for them throughout their lives. Remember to forgive, they don't know how wrong they are.

Lonewolf,
Your siblings are selfish; when your mother was of no use to them any more, they abandoned her. I have one sibling who lives 45 minutes from my mother, but does little. Your relatives will have little guilt when your mother is gone; but, the saving grace is knowing you did all you could for your mother. What if you were not there? What then? I hold in high regard the philosophy that what goes around, comes around. Your sibs' children are observing how their parents are treating your mother; perhaps they, too, will abandon your sibs in their old age. You do not need to forgive them if you don't want to; I have no intention of having any kind of relationship with my sister after my mother is gone. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the responsible one.

Lonewolf-I feel your pain! I am the youngest of 7 and I never ever thought what would happen- would happen! After 8 years of asking, begging, pleading-almost putting mom in a nursing home-I have finally given up on them. I still CAN'T understand, but I have to accept it for what it is. I have finally started getting outside help-a companion for mom coming into our home so I can go out and shop etc-and I have started mom in adult day care 1 day a week. I never thought I would need outside help-there are so may of us to care for mom! But the reality is, they all have their lives and they have no idea what it is to care-full time for their mom. The lonliness, the feeling of being trapped, the resentment, the anger, the exhaustion. I kept thinking if I could get it across to them that they would help me-let alone our mother! But I wasted my time and energy. It is soooo sad. I am sorry for you and your mom. What others have said is so true-you just keep doing what you know is right. You will have no regrets. Try to just accept it-don't take 8 years like I did. As angry as I am with them, I will not have it cause a rift and not speak to them or anything. That is just me. It is their problem-all that they are missing out on-and they will be sorry some day. I love my mom and as hard a job as it is-we have some great memories and I hope all that will remain with me forever. Please, try to accept that they just can't or won't be there-for whatever reason. Grieve for them and then move on. The anger that you can feel for years only hurts you! Trust me-I know this first hand! Hugs to you! Thankfully you have your partner and family! Hang in there!!! Mame

Hi Lonewolf, I am in the same position. I have been taking care of my Mom since April 29th. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. My older sister spends Saturday with her every week. That is my only time away to re group. My 3 brothers just want to stick her in a home and sell her home. My Mom is far from being in a home. She dresses herself, makes her bed, does chores etc. I recentlly
got her on the proper meds and her angry outbursts have stopped.

My older brother lives a few blocks from me and his excuse for not stopping by or calling my Mom is, He say's, Mom does better just one on one with me so he does not want to interefere. BS, that is his justification. My other 2 brothers do not even call her. My other 2 sisters, never call either. We all live in teh same area.

I now realize, that we have our reality of growing up. Our stories are all different. I also realize, that they are just not equipped to deal with this change. Not all people are cut out to care and watch a loved one slowly slip away from us. For whatever reason they choose not to be present in her care, it is thier choice. In the end, I believe they will all have to deal with thier own guilt for not being around at a time whne they should be. Times like this really show a person character.

Holding it against them is not going to help anyone. I do know this, when all is said in done, I do look at my siblings alot differently and always will from here on out.

You are doing the right thing for your Mom and you. That shows the type of person you are. You are a wnderfull daughter and person. My partner has also been great though this new transition in our lifes. But, she and her son will be moving so my Mom will be more comfortable in my home. For some reason, Josh makes her aggitated.

Anyways, enjoy this time with your Mom. Make every minute count for her and you.

You are awesome...

I am one of five children. My mom moved next to me in October. I was her main care giver for a year before that. Mom has emphysema and is on oxygen 24/7. She never drove, so I take her everywhere. I have one sister who sees our mom about once a month and takes her out to eat. She thinks this is helping out. The other siblings are disfunctional. I have asked for help and don't get any. Until a person is in our shoes, they have no idea how draining care taking can be... In the end these non helpers will be in line for their inheritance. I will be able to sleep well at night knowing I gave my all.

Hello lonewolf, I have dealt with the same thing for many years. I have come to the conclusion that you have to let go of how you think your siblings should treat their own Mother, who brought them into this world. It will eat you up if you don't. You will become more and more bitter toward them. You just do what you think is right, and just keep in mind, karma comes back and bites hard when it comes. Your siblings will get theirs, eventually. And you will always know that you did your very best to help your Mom and that she appreciated everything you did. You are there for her, she knows that, and respects and loves you for it.

I think for some people they stay away because of some bad history. But, there are some that stay away for other reasons...their past with their parents was fine they won't/can't face the health decline for various reasons.

For some...they don't handle sickness or death well or don't know how to handle it.
For others, it's much easier to ignore it or act as though it's not happening. Makes them feel better (not a downer). Yet, for others it could be pressures from other sources that keep them away such as a job, a controlling spouse etc. Could be a combination of more than one scenario.

I grew up in a loving family. Our parents were wonderful. No dysfunction here. However, when the goin' started to get tough with my parents' declining health, my brother used these moments to take a vacation or volunteer for a job overseas. When he was around and my sister and I would ask him to do something for his parents he would cop an attitude saying he would only do the chore (mow the yard, shovel snow etc) if requested by my father, who notoriously won't ask for help for anything. (You know what they say about men won't ask for directions? That's my dad!)

Before my brother's second overseas jaunt (for a year) he was reminded of our parents' declining health and other things going on in the family that could use his involvement...he shrugged those concerns off saying coldly...'I can't put my life on hold as other lives are ending.'

It's quite common, as you can see from previous posts, that there is at least 1 member of the family that is remote or distant. You probably can't change it, so don't give these people another thought. It will bring you down. You have more important and substantial things to consume your time and thoughts. The others may have regrets later for their lack of helping out and being there (though don't count on it). You can sleep at night knowing you did everything that you could for your mother. Good for you! Your siblings could/would have added some interference anyway. You are only responsible for you and your mother. They have to take responsibility for themselves. Concentrate on you and your mother. Forget about them.

I am so sorry for you and your mom, I am exactually in the same situation all the siblings do not even visit, it is al on me and has been going on 7 years, I don't understand it either, they will answer when they stand in front of God, many prayers for you and your mom

You're not alone. My two sisters and my brother all lived with my Mom in her house most of their lives (we're all now in our 50's). They did little to contribute then, and they do less now. Six years ago, I brought my Mom to live with my husband and me. My brother has visited once. My younger sister has visited a couple times a year. Until my older sister also moved in with me (almost a year ago), she visited a few times a year. Even living with me, my older sister gives limited assistance to me with my Mom. It's discouraging, and I don't understand why, either, but I gave up being angry about it a long time ago. Being angry only affected me; it served no purpose. My husband and I believe that we should just do the right thing and not spend too much time worrying about my siblings' reasons for their actions (or lack thereof). My Mom is safe, happy and secure. That's our only real concern. I believe that God placed us all where we are supposed to be, so maybe we are better equipped to manage her care than the others. We're far from perfect, that's for sure. But we're making the effort every day and I know that my Mom is grateful and I know that we're doing the right thing. Bless you for being there for your Mom, and don't spend too much of your energy wondering or worrying about your siblings. I don't "get it" either, other than to say that perhaps this is how things are supposed to be. In their hearts, your siblings are probably grateful that they have you to care for your Mom, even if they don't express it.

I think there are a million excuses for not being there for mom in some way, but none of them are sufficient. If they had someone else they had to take care of I could see, but just ignoring her. Thank God for your family. You are your mother's lifesaver. Don't let them upset you. This is typical of most families. They just aren't worth it. They have a big fat fantasy clunking around in their heads and they are choosing to believe it. It's easier for them that way. Selfish selfish selfish. I don't care how crappy a person thinks their parents were...GROW UP! have they ever heard of honoring your mother and father? There's a reason why it's in the Bible. They are only shaming themselves and will have many regrets in the future. People know when they're being bad. They're idiots my sweet...to heck with em'!

Yes, I agree with many of these posts. There are many "reasons" behind others not helping. The number one is selfishness, which the world has a lot of today. It is a shock when something tragic happens in the family. I thought ours was a tight family, but our mom's sudden disability showed a lot of cracks in what I thought was tight.
It interferes too much in their own lives and they don't want to give up any of their own time/interests to help their parent. Whatever happened to "honor your mother and your father"? Unless you had a horrible parent, I can't understand not doing something to help a parent who raised you and did their best. All parents are imperfect, so I don't know that that could be an excuse if they took care of you and did love you and raise you. Another reason is some people are not emotionally strong and equipped to deal with some situtations with an elderly parent.
Another thing I've seen is that while me and my one sister (and we are both single parents) did a lot, our other two sisters (both married) - one was not involved at all and the other to a limited degree - but sometimes for a married person, they have the pressure coming from their spouse about not taking time away from their own family. I didn't have to answer to a husband. Frankly, if I had a husband who gave me a hard time, it would put additional pressure on me, but I certainly wouldn't leave someone (my parent) hanging because of an immature or selfish spouse. But, spouses do wield influence......
There are different reasons, but primarily it is one of not being able to cope with it or just self-centerdness. Eventually, both of my other two sisters did do more.

It may be hard, but what can help is you (and that is pretty crummy because of all you are doing already). You can try to check your anger or bitterness towards them -- I know I had a big helping of bitterness towards my siblings -- and actually be sweet and tell them on the phone how much mom misses them and how much it would mean to her and also how much it would mean to you and your health if they could come by for a "visit" and if they could look in their schedule to do so on a regular basis--whether it be every other Saturday--or whatever. In a matter-of-fact tone recollect something of a good memory from the past. It's almost like you have to market "mushy" feelings toward them.
The more you are mushy and sentimental and laid back sometimes can make all the difference when you build them up (and I know it may be hard for you to be able to do that). It does soften them sometimes. And it also helps them relieve their own guilt to date. It did work with my one sister when I would mention that "mom loved the _____such and such thing _____ you did for her or gave her or whatever.. ' you should stop by and play that game with her we played when we were kids"...... stuff like that. Like I said this did work to get one of my sisters coming by a little more frequently.
I say this as it being a help to you and your mother if you want some relief and you want your mom to feel happiness that her other children care for her.
I know you are angry, so if it is just because you want to put out how they are lacking, then don't even bother.

I was fortunate, because I had one sister and myself who worked ourselves to the bone -- our mother becamse COMPLETELY disabled so it was so hard physically and mentally to do everything for your parent.
You have a loving family in your own home, which I am so happy that you have them and their support. Our siblings are blood, but today that doesn't mean we like who they are or that they feel any family obligation at all.
Shame on them. Kudos to you and the home you have.

You didn't say where you live, but my state has resources (California IHSS and IHS programs) that help those in a posistion like yours. Also you can look on line for Elder Care and Aging Resources. They have people that come to your home to assist. Depending on income, these services can be free or very low cost. You need to take a break sometimes.
I wish I was there to help. It is a long road. Our family is going on five years now since my mom became disabled.
Take one day at a time -- don't think about how long you can do this or tomorrow. Look at only today and try not to worry about tomorrow or future days. No matter what, unplug from it. Let the dishes pile up or whatever it is you need to do (and I know there is plenty to do). Take care of your sweet self every day.
You can't change others--but only be your best self-- which you have been. If you fall apart, you won't be able to help yourself and anyone else for that matter. Please look into other resources (charitable or whatever) and get away from it completely. I applaud you and am proud of your loving attitude and wish there were more people like you in the world!!!!

I also sympathize with you. I have learned one can't make someone else do the right thing. I take care of my significant other because none of his 3 children would help. Otherwise he would have been placed in a nursing home at age 62. They come to visit if they have time but I get no help from them. Fortunately, he is a vet and we can get a lot of services. Check out all avenues for respite, take care of yourself, and know you are doing the right thing. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror.

Hi, I'm the youngest sib. w/three older sibs (brother & 2 sisters). My mom has advanced dementia. My sibs are impossible to deal with. Very poor communication & impatience, with me left to deal with the nittie gritty stuff alot of times, and them acting like stubborn jerks.

But with all that, may I add something which is a constant refrain for me:

It's actually the SYSTEM which is the ROOT CULPRIT in causing this gladiator situation within families. Too many of us nowadays are running on empty due to the SYSTEM and its associated EMFs, pollution, chemical-saturated imports, taxes, Coverage for Big Pharma, but Non-Coverage for bathroom-assists (which they claim isn't directly related to health).. It's a SYSTEM which rules so twistedly, which is a gladiator-making system.

So where's the stem cells? the SYSTEM is suppressing their availability in the U.S. Why? Because they're real!

So where's the nano-tech? Ditto

So where's medical marijuana? Ditto

So where's true detox - such as On-Site-Dead-Sea-Mud-Baths-Under-Sun?

So where's the SCIO & LIFE systems (vs. the current unhealthcare diagnostics?

In a nutshell, true healing modalities have been, and continue to be, suppressed, turning us into gladiators, because we've been run dry.

I went through the same thing like you and many others on this post.A worthless brother and sister who mom and dad spent over 75 years kissing their rear ends and then getting thrown in the gutter when they needed help.I'm sick of reading posts from people who are just like my siblings trying to justify their warped behavior.Somehow they think they can wash themselves clean trying to rationalize why they were not there for their folks.Sorry folks it doesn't work.
Act like you are a only child and never feel their is something 'wrong' with you and why you can't be more like your siblings.You are a angel and your mom can be proud she had at least one child who chose to put the love and care of her parents foremost in their life.I've traveled the world and believe me it is SOP in most countries outside of the USA and parts of western Europe.In Asia they worship their parents like we did a generation ago.If you did what many are doing in this country you would be a outcast for the rest of your life in their society.God is watching and I believe that is why America and Europe are in a freefall. A total moral breakdown and HE is very angry.

My brother or her multitude of grandchildren have not seen my. Mom for years. Brother comes to town for events - doesnt bother to call. She hasn't received a card from any of them for over 10 years. She can't have too much time left. They are dead to me.
I know how you feel. I

Lonewolf, you have received some wonderful and helpful comments here. So many of us have been the lone provider of care for our parents. I won't get into my story; but suffice to say that letting go of the resentment and frustration is the way to go. It definitely is a difficult thing to do; but truly helps. In these situations it seems it is more stressful to try to get assistance from siblings who are not interested, than it is to just plain old go it alone.

Blessings to you and will keep you in my prayers. Always remember what a wonderful daughter you are. Take care

Cautious:

You speak of moral break down, but what about our immoral medical system which is really a wolf in sheep's clothing?

What about those of us who are stuck between "religious, authoritarian" siblings who, because of their dogmatic natures, are also the types to put total faith in our horrible UNhealthcare system? Which leaves me (who has already run the gauntlet enough to know the emperor lacks clothes) to suspect that the reason my mom's nose runs like a non-stop faucet is due to the endless blood thinners & supplements doled out to her indiscriminately by my asinine siblings, due to its sanction by various departmentalized doctors & nutritionist (each of whom doesn't know what the other is doing). Ditto for her weeks of wheezing from lungs & hacking cough.

P.S. from mine above, don't get the idea that i'm non-religious, because I was born into it. Just setting the record straight.

Lonewolf, I hear your pain! IT is so hard when siblings cannot work together cohesively to effect best care for an aging parent!
It gets still harder if any/all of the kids were abused/neglected as children...even super sweet and charming parents can clobber their kids when no one else is looking--with hands or words, the pain cuts deep and the wounds open every time that parent says or does more rotten things--which commonly happens as they get dementias with age, or get sick and cranky.
I have 4 siblings who know how bad our Mom could be in many respects, but none of them can understand why she treated me differently than she treated them--well, there were multiple fathers involved...and that made a huge difference--just for one thing.
There can be things you do not know, about your Mom's relationships with your siblings, things that you cannot fix, and neither can they.
As stated above, it can be for reasons like this, or could be they are poor at handling witnessing Mom becoming less than what she used to be, and they do not want to remember her as sick, fragile and aging. My daughter is like that--which makes me wonder who will look after us later on...
But she's grown up a lot during the last 10 years, so that might have changed.

WONDERING: what might happen if you asked your siblings, one at a time, if there was some reason they seemed to be avoiding seeing Mom or helping out?

Social Workers helping me, suggested writing a letter that itemized various care options for Mom, letting each one check off which things they choose to agree on for Mom's care.
2 of mine received the letters [sent return receipt requested]; the other 2 refused to pick theirs up.
One got that letter fast, took it badly, so came down to get Mom out of here.
The other one avoided picking hers up until it was almost returned, then started slinging bad words at me via phone.

I figured, the net result was, it got Mom into one of their houses, instead of here [[which we desperately needed!]].
But because of Mom's behaviors and now theirs, our family is broken apart, with no real likelihood of reconciliation.

THAT is the worst part--that now I have 4 siblings more than willing to keep spewing Mom's worst behaviors and worst words, at me like a quad-sound system.

I really hope you can learn what is motivating your siblings to do what they are doing [or not doing!].
IF you cannot understand why they are behaving as they are, it is impossible to do anything constructive to change it, and it will likely break your relationships apart.
{{{prayers!}}}

I'm right along with you and alot of others I see. The only difference for me is that it's my MIL that I'm left with & she wasn't a nice person or comforting mom to her kids. I don't understand them abandoning their Mom even though she was extremely hard to get along with, yet alone if she was a good Mom!! My husband is the only one to stick around. She lives with us , is 88 & has dementia. Good luck!!! Your Mom is VERY lucky to have you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God bless you for taking care of your Mom!

I am so grateful for all this sharing I am not alone I have you sisters with same problem. I come back and share my story with you soon. As we dont have this support site in Sweden I follow you my sisters in U.S I guess this is an international problem. Love to you all caretaker sisters You are my fameli Together we get strong!

I left you one post but wanted to leave another as to where to put your anger, for me I decided the anger was eating me up so whether it be right or wrong, my brother and sisters are no longer a part of my life, I told them never to call or write and never knock on my door again, I feel better, sometimes that is for the best, hugs

Lonewolf -- my story too. Do you see here that you are not alone? This seems to be a common story on this site: the story of selfish siblings. I care for BOTH my parents and the others here are right about this, each one of us has our own memory of growing up with them. I thought we had it pretty good. I fought the angry for a long, long, time of my two siblings not helping in any way at all, after multiple pleads for help. I got nothing, crickets....One is just lazy and the other just wants their money, (they don't have any, that's the funny part)!!! I've put them out of my mind....They will never help, ever....their lose in the end. I'm exhausted every day, physically and emotionally thinking what will happen next, who will fall, what outburst will occur, how will I handle this? I know I will have peace within when it is all over, but for now, it pretty much stinks doing it ALL ALONE. My wish for you Lonewolf, is to arrive at the point where you don't spend your energy hating on them. The others here used to tell me "let it go," but you just can't until you are ready. You'll let it go later, I know you will. Hang in there and stay close to the people here who truly understand what you are going through.

xo
-SS

Oh my goodness, didn't float too well to give the other side of the coin did it... first let me say, I have NO regrets...and I am the least selfish person you will ever meet.... I did my part, defined by me, not my sibs.... I did many things in the 'background' that they knew nothing about... didn't need their direction or their approval... my oldest sib was such a control freak, that no one could do anything to please her, so because I am an adult, I did what I could from my own perception of helping....I did what i did so that I wouldn't have regrets.... God knows how I participated and what the others think is none of my business..... I am not saying it's ok NOT to help... I'm saying there were ways suggested to help the constant needy barrage of this man, and because it was more important for my oldest sib to be a martyr, she ground herself into the dirt....why? She could have gotten public transportation to take my dad to Dr's appt and meet him there... but nooo, she had to wrestle this 200 lb man in a wheel chair into the car.. Why? She could have got him to make a list of things he needed and gone once or twice a week , but nooo, if he called, she jumped and ran....I have a hundred examples of why she was a wreck by the time he died.... so think what you want, judge if you must, but I have a very clear conscious. He was not abondoned by me, but I also didn't play his games....but nor did I abondon myself all for the idea of what others thought I should be doing in the name of honor thy father..... all I can do is shake my head at some of the angry comments about the ones who don't bleed to death for thier parents.... my mom, different story entirely, but again , the oldest sib had so much control that I didn't GET to do near what i wanted to do.... surely wasn't giving excuses, it was just facts in my case....sorry if some of you let the bitterness of how it SHOULD be eat you up.... you have your own agenda too.... so lighten up on the judgment, you didn't walk in my shoes either....