Years ago our family took our older sister to court for stealing money and items from our grandmother while she lived with her and isolated her from us knowing what was going on. Today our 90-year-old father has been in and out of the hospital and we think his time is near. We can see our sister gearing up to steal from him again, because 15 years ago she swindled (isolated him) over $33,000 from him over the course of a year. Then when he moved from his home to independent living, she grabbed a bunch of items and took them to her home and sold them.
Our sister now has her eye on his WWII rifle worth $50,000 and other items worth up to $10,000. He insists on having those items with him in his apartment. She has no key to his apartment, but she does visit him and drives him back home after some hospital discharges. For example, our father said he gave her some albums to sell for him months ago, yet she has not given him money from a sale and makes a lot of different excuses on why no money yet. These are lies, as she has a gambling addiction and goes through money like crazy.
She lives in the same city as him, but us other 3 siblings live an hour and 3 hours away so we cannot keep a close eye on her. She told us in a frantic phone call a month ago that it was going to be a complete sh** show, and that all hell was going to break loose once our dad died. This is very stressful for us other siblings, as we are all cooperative and helpful to each other except for our mentally ill sister. It shouldn't have to be this way.
She tramples all over us but is scared of 'authority' (judges, law enforcement, attorneys) insofar as I feel like the only way to get her to stop her pending theft of his thing's worth money, is to make her aware that we have no intention of letting her do this to him again. We don't have the money to hire an attorney and would like to just present her with something (like on paper or information) to let her know that 'we know' what she intends, and it's not going to be allowed or tolerated. It does not help that any ounce of pushback to her leads to her raging against us pretty extreme.
Dad is in an independent living facility in Minnesota. Thanks so much for any help on how we can arm ourselves against what we know she intends to do once he is incapacitated or dies. She has no POA on anything of his, as he doesn't trust her either, but he is extremely naive and believes all her stories of woe as to why she needs money.
Michelle
Anyway, the social worker replied "There's one in almost every family." It's often the oldest who thinks they are entitled to whatever or the youngest who always got what they wanted/got away with everything. It's also a big temptation for somebody with an addiction or other money problems.
I love the idea of the therapeutic fib saying "the facility won't let you have the gun. Let's take it and store it at XXX's house (whoever is trustworthy.)"
It'll be difficult to round up the family due to distance, but I also like making a videotape to document things of value in Dad's apartment. Maybe even have Dad or a sibling pose with various items.
I'm unclear; does your dad have a will or trust? It would involve an attorney, but directions for items like the rifle can even be detailed in the will or trust. That way if it does disappear, the executor will need to call the police. Otherwise they will follow the will and/or trust.
I'm sure this has been very hard on all of you, and as a parent, I can certainly understand your dad's predicament - not trusting her, but not able to completely cut off any assistance to her. I honestly don't know what I would do if this were one of my children, especially when you know you're dealing with mental illness and everything that goes along with it.
Another idea might be to contact a local attorney and ask what the cost would be to send sis a "cease and desist" type of letter, warning her that should any of dad's things go missing, you (her siblings) will report it to the local authorities and will press charges. I don't know how much an attorney would charge for such a letter, but it might be a reasonable enough fee to make it worth your while. However, if you do that before dad dies, she might ramp up her campaign to get dad's stuff from him while he is alive, because that makes it much more of a sticky wicket; it will come down to her stating dad gave her the stuff of his own free will against your accusations of theft. So, unless dad is willing to let someone else in the family be the keepers of his valuable possessions beforehand, there is a risk in sending such a letter.
If dad is aware of her behavior, your best bet might to just be straight with him, explain all of your fears regarding this sibling, and see if he will allow you to remove his valuables. Offer him the "out" to blame all of you - "dad, you can tell her WE didn't give you a choice in removing these things". At his age, he likely doesn't want to fight over and over with her, and I can't say as I blame him. Offering to make yourselves the proverbial bad guys might make it an easier decision for him.
Good luck.
Truth is if she is the caregiver and is the one there, it may already be far too late for a lot of things.
Only you know Sis, know Dad, know what assets there are and whether momentos or funds. Only you can arrange a good solid POA with Dad appointing and with making an inventory and bequests and so on. We can only guess at this whole family dynamic. For myself, I am 80s and have already given everything that isn't already in designated accounts/trust etc. Sure makes it easier when you are down to a few pottery collections, a library of books and clothes no one will want, hee hee.
If dad is not living independently in his home, then you and the other sibs need to go boots on the ground to where dad is. encourage him to allow you not-crazy sibs to go through his stuff and put it in storage for him. Keep a good record of everything you store. Hire an attorney to 'oversee' this (she's scared of attorneys, right?) and maybe having one on site would be enough of a warning to her to keep her away.
Somebody needs to procure POA for dad, so try to do that while you're all there.
Dad may need someone to stick up for him and make those tough decisions for him. Having things or value in his apt. is just asking for problems. Would he be trusting of a locked down storage facility for his stuff?
As long as sister can access anything of his, she can light-finger her way to taking everything. My OB took all the stuff of any value right out from under mom & dad's noses. When we had to move them to an apt, we were all shocked to find that OB had cleaned out all the silver, the coin collections, some Indian art, and had gotten mom & dad to sign a 2nd mortgage on their home. He'd taken that $250K and blown it on some 'business venture'. Only b/c they lived rent free in an apt YB built on to his house were they able to survive.
Looking back, the 2 POA's should have hidden all mom & dad's stuff and taken closer looks at their financials. It was horrible--dad had to retire at age 55 and had nothing but a very small SS payout. Mother's wasn't much more.
Don't give sister a heads-up. Just do it.
I agree on not giving her the heads up! He was just in the ER again and she never let any of us know. Its just a matter of time but we have to stand up to her.