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Which best describes their mobility?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was a big help to me. Just google the title and you will find videos on YouTube and her books. Listen to the free videos and read the books. I’m also an adult only child about 60 years old. One parent has died in 2024, the passive more emotionally available parent, age 94 after a grueling 15 months on hospice. I lived 2 states away and only visited my parents several times a year for over 25 years. I’m learning how to take care of myself.It’s hard emotional work but I think the reason for this journey. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Read about it and learn coping strategies.
I feel you. Since I'm in the same spot. I'm currently caring for 2, it used to be 3 until a few years ago. I also tend to be tired, walking up 4-5 times a night for diaper change or a turn in bed probably contributes to that. An afternoon nap helps. They take theirs then so I do too. I actually feel the most awake at night after they go to bed. I get a couple of hours of me time until the a diaper change/bed turn before going to bed.
Is it you or your parents, or both, who’s content to sacrifice your health and wellbeing in servitude to them? You have the choice to keep things as they are or make changes to preserve your life. I wish you the best
Kimcatfan, thanks for your reply below. You are right to be concerned about your future. So, stop wasting your current life on your parents. Think of it this way -- what would they do if you lived across the country, or across the world, as many only children do? Then let them do that. Whether that means hiring in-home care or going to assisted living, at their expense.
Do you have a paying job, or did you quit it to take care of them? Are you financially secure? Most people still have a way to go at age 50, so please focus on that. Why would it be fair for your parents to shortchange your retirement because they are taking advantage of you for theirs?
In addition to getting your future secured, your NOW matters. You should be able to ENJOY your life. Get out of their house, and reclaim your life. Spend your time with friends, have a social life, enjoy alone time doing what brings you peace and happiness, not waiting on selfish elderly people. You will not get these days, weeks, years back.
You say your parents are refusing assisted living. Well, you can also refuse to do things. Start by refusing to be their caregiver. Give them a deadline, like April 6th, and tell them that you will be done and gone by then, so they will need to make other arrangements. You can't dictate what they choose, and they can't dictate anymore what you do.
I'm sorry for whatever guilt trips they have laid on you. Be strong. I'm rooting for you to get out of this trap and find the situation you are entitled to live.
You don't say, but I'm guessing that you live in your parents home and thus why you feel obligated to care for them. Am I right? Because if neither parent has any major health issues why can't they live on their own where you can check on them once a week or so. And if mom needs help getting in and out of bed and your dad can't do it then your parents will have to hire aides to come in and help them. Why does it have to be you who cares for them and why can't you get an outside job, one that you love and enjoy and can make enough to be on your own in your own house/apartment? If money is an issue for your parents or you then you'll/they'll have to apply for Medicaid, where help will be provided for them and you can get your life back. We only get one life to live and if you're not careful you will be the one dying before either parent does from stress related issues. And just in case no one has ever told you this, I will. Just because you're an "only child" that doesn't mean that you have to be the one to give your parents hands on care, nor do you have to live with them. There are many other options. I do hope you'll explore those other options before it's too late.
Tell your parents they have to find help other than you to care for them at home or go to assisted living . You tell them this
“ I can no longer provide the level of care you want” .
They can’t make you take care of them because they don’t want to go to assisted living . If you live with them move out , get a job , before dementia sets in on both parents. This way it’s on your parents to figure out their care solution that isn’t you .
My mother was the same , refusing assisted living. A very wise social worker told me “ Stop helping her “.
If you quit, they'd have to go to assisted living, right?
It is no joke that something like 30% of caregivers die before the ones they're caring for. (I've seen different figures on this, but let's go with 30%.) So, it could happen to you. Please don't let it! You matter too.
Of course you're exhausted! Who wouldn't be? And they would have so much more of a life if they were in assisted living. Entertainment, friends, outings, a whole team to take care of them. This would be better for them and better for you.
Only you can make it happen by quitting. Then you'd have a life of your own and the assurance that when their health declines (and it will), they are already in the place that will be able to help them. Please consider putting plans in motion so that they get the professional help they need. You can visit often, and since you won't be so tired, you can all enjoy each others' company. Think about it. You could be saving your own life.
You don’t need to destroy your own life for someone else. Time for another solution. Do you live in her house, or does she live in yours? What are her medical issues and financial situation? You have my sympathy.
Why are you the one taking care of your mom? Are you an adult? What's wrong with her? More information would be helpful so we'll know how to advise you.
I am a 50 yo only child. I have written in a few times. I take care of my parents. They have no terminal / major diagnoses, except for his not well controlled ( but ok ) diabetes , and she is in a wheelchair 90% of the time. She is just narcissistic and so needy. I think my fatigue is just from worry about my future and depression/anxiety. They are refusing an assisted living. I am thinking they are going to out live me (I am fine and in good health, etc ) but I think they will. I guess I just needed a place to vent. thanks for responding
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Eat plenty of protein.
Eat a lot of veggies
Eat fruits
Drink a lot of water
Get outside in the sunshine
If you don't have an outside W2 job pick up a job doing anything. Tell parents your job starts in a week and you can no longer do care.
I feel you. Since I'm in the same spot. I'm currently caring for 2, it used to be 3 until a few years ago. I also tend to be tired, walking up 4-5 times a night for diaper change or a turn in bed probably contributes to that. An afternoon nap helps. They take theirs then so I do too. I actually feel the most awake at night after they go to bed. I get a couple of hours of me time until the a diaper change/bed turn before going to bed.
Do you have a paying job, or did you quit it to take care of them? Are you financially secure? Most people still have a way to go at age 50, so please focus on that. Why would it be fair for your parents to shortchange your retirement because they are taking advantage of you for theirs?
In addition to getting your future secured, your NOW matters. You should be able to ENJOY your life. Get out of their house, and reclaim your life. Spend your time with friends, have a social life, enjoy alone time doing what brings you peace and happiness, not waiting on selfish elderly people. You will not get these days, weeks, years back.
You say your parents are refusing assisted living. Well, you can also refuse to do things. Start by refusing to be their caregiver. Give them a deadline, like April 6th, and tell them that you will be done and gone by then, so they will need to make other arrangements. You can't dictate what they choose, and they can't dictate anymore what you do.
I'm sorry for whatever guilt trips they have laid on you. Be strong. I'm rooting for you to get out of this trap and find the situation you are entitled to live.
Why does it have to be you who cares for them and why can't you get an outside job, one that you love and enjoy and can make enough to be on your own in your own house/apartment?
If money is an issue for your parents or you then you'll/they'll have to apply for Medicaid, where help will be provided for them and you can get your life back.
We only get one life to live and if you're not careful you will be the one dying before either parent does from stress related issues.
And just in case no one has ever told you this, I will. Just because you're an "only child" that doesn't mean that you have to be the one to give your parents hands on care, nor do you have to live with them. There are many other options. I do hope you'll explore those other options before it's too late.
You tell them this
“ I can no longer provide the level of care you want” .
They can’t make you take care of them because they don’t want to go to assisted living . If you live with them move out , get a job , before dementia sets in on both parents. This way it’s on your parents to figure out their care solution that isn’t you .
My mother was the same , refusing assisted living. A very wise social worker told me “ Stop helping her “.
It is no joke that something like 30% of caregivers die before the ones they're caring for. (I've seen different figures on this, but let's go with 30%.) So, it could happen to you. Please don't let it! You matter too.
Of course you're exhausted! Who wouldn't be? And they would have so much more of a life if they were in assisted living. Entertainment, friends, outings, a whole team to take care of them. This would be better for them and better for you.
Only you can make it happen by quitting. Then you'd have a life of your own and the assurance that when their health declines (and it will), they are already in the place that will be able to help them. Please consider putting plans in motion so that they get the professional help they need. You can visit often, and since you won't be so tired, you can all enjoy each others' company. Think about it. You could be saving your own life.