Struggling to reclaim my life after caregiving.

'You never step into the same river twice.' - Heraclitus

This means that both the river itself and our experiences are always changing. You aren't the same person you were before you became a caregiver. Better to accept and embrace the change and not try to return to who you were before.

People don't know how much caregiving will change them, and they jump into it not knowing about that aspect of it. Reading on here you can learn how many people per day or per week or month say they're taking mom/dad into their homes and they'll all handle it just fine. Then they find out it doesn't work that way.

That's why I often warn posters not to take it on. "Oh, but I promised mama I'd never 'put' her in one of those horrid places!" Okay, but realize that by not finding someone else to take care of mama, you are dooming yourself to a psychological fate that you can't even imagine.

OP, I hope you find the help you need, and I'm sad that you are going through post-caregiving trauma.

Wow! I think back to those days and it was just loss upon loss. I took care of my younger sibling until she was placed. I left the family home that November in 1991. I had landed a job working for a non-profit seven months before the move. I felt like a fish out of water. I was blessed because I had friends at the University I was attending and had a social life. I made one mistake and married a man that I should have just said hello and kept it moving. Seven years later that marriage ended in divorce.

I would be the first to admit that I had a lot to learn about myself. I missed out on quality dating and the guys I met before this caregiving nonsense took place moved on as my life became more complicated.

I would tell any young person don't do it. I'm sixty seven now and still trying to figure some things out.

Perhaps it will be helpful to not expect nor try to make your life go back to exactly the way it was . This will add too much pressure , causing the fear .

10 years of caregiving will change you . It did for me .
Think about what you want now , not about how life was before caregiving .

It’s ok to not know what you want yet, so is taking your time to figure that out .

It took me about 18 months of slowly reforming my new life before I started to recognize and be comfortable with my new self. Today the recovery continues as well as the forming of my new life .

Talking to a therapist can help you recover from caregiving as well as help you to explore what you want your life to become .

10 years of anything (a new city, having kids, a different job, a relationship etc.) will fundamentally change a person. But different from the named above taking care of aging parents will rarely involve uplifting and exciting experiences. Even under the best conditions caregiving means being constantly confronted with the physical and often mental decline of a loved one, including all the sorrow, grief, fear and false guilt that comes with their inevitable death at the end of this journey.

I spend only 5 years caring for my parents, and more than a year later I am still struggling with finding my identity back (or rather anew). Like you I'd love to move somewhere new but the housing market has been very slow over here, and - more important - I still don't know what I really want to do with my own life now. I am scared like a caged bird, fearing any step in any new direction could be a terrible and irrevocable mistake. And then there is the fatigue and depression that I have not come out of yet.

I guess I'd need an extended holiday, changing scenery, taking baby steps into my once so adventurous self before making any major decision, just to get a taste of what life still has to offer, building new neuronal pathways and new experiences.

Sorry that I have no proven advice to offer (yet), just wanting to let you know that you are not alone in this, and that it is ok if it takes some time to bounce back. Big hugs to you, and be gentle with your self!

Keep being kind to yourself 🤗

I think it is hard to "bounce back" into your life completely yet as you are still so weighted by duties for Mom.

Clearing a property for sale is HUGE. I write this, sitting surrounded by books, furniture & objects.. their time here has come to an end, it must all be cleared.

A heavy burden - but people tell me it does lift. It's another chapter of grief to wade though I guess.

I am too flat to bounce back yet but am placing tiny daily aims into my life, which seem to be helping. (((Hugs))) to you.

Hi Danielle,

Ten years is a long time. I'm glad you are getting a much deserved long time break.

I found the following helpful:

1. Live in the day.
2. Be gentle on yourself.
3. I was so exhausted I went to a functional medicine MD. He prescribed B vitamins. Vitamin D3 and Vitamin C. and CoQ10.
4. Hydration.
5. Some sunshine daily.
6. Very light exercise.
7. Prioritize sleep and rest.
8. Only exceptionally light travel--example--go to neighboring village and look at the pond/park.

Re: Real Estate--I sold 3 houses last year. It was brutal.
Take a break from selling your house. When you revisit the house project spend 20 minutes - an hour a day on it.

On house #1 that I sold (Mom's house) we had an extremely aggressive realtor that my sister picked. It was stressful dealing with her.

On house #21 and #3 that I sold I had a very chill laid back realtor. The experience was much better and a lot less stress.

Hello Danielle123,

Your email resonated with me and I wanted to reply.

I was the primary in-home caregiver to my husband for 5 years after he had a serious stroke. My husband is a love with a very supportive attitude, but at the age of 75 I finally reached the point where I couldn't go on physically or emotionally.

Two months ago I found a Very good local assisted living facility that admitted him. He's actually thriving there, doing so much better than I expected. But his move left me exhausted to the bone. Although I had hoped to regain my life right away, I realized that I didn't have the energy or courage to carry out any plans. I actually needed someone to take care of ME for awhile. I ended up renting an apartment in Independent Living within the same large, extended community where my husband now lives. We live separately but can share the numerous amenities that each level of care offers. I signed a year lease for each of us. (This is not a CCRC.)

I'm already feeling sooo much better physically - after only 2 months - but I'm still very unsure about where I want to be long term (or whether I can handle another move at all). But at least, for now, I have a very supportive environment where I can rest and slowly make my plans. I'm also struggling with anxiety and depression which I think goes with the terrain - I've decided to start seeing a therapist for help. I'm not sure if we'll ever really bounce back, but at least we can hope to make wise decisions that will make for a good existence.

Wishing you the best!

Hi Danielle,

I didn't do the day to day caregiving of my mum, but I did manage her care and visit her. Even though she lived at home in a sheltered housing flat with her husband, it took up a big chunk of my life for 13 years. Every birthday and Christmas spent at theirs because it could be the last. Weekends and holidays. Now, I don't have an established routine with my family (daughter and grandchildren, siblings, close cousins) because I gave everything to my mum and stepdad.

So, I also found it very difficult to "bounce back", as you say, after Mum died in August.

I think part of that is there are so many things to arrange after the death - death certificate, funeral, belongings... You don't get to just stop and grieve. Then, you're back at work. I got to grieve in snatches.

When I was having to deal with the uncertainties of Mum's health (she had a stroke 14 years ago, then stopped eating and I was constantly battling my stepdad over the best course of caring for Mum) I also felt chronically tired and emotional. I really wasn't coping.

Things came to a head when I made a major mistake at work last year. I literally felt suicidal. I needed help and being on a waiting list wasn't good enough. So, I started to look up mental health help for myself.
Through the NHS website and online sources I trusted, as well as a great book by an NHS clinician, I learned about resilience and its importance to our wellbeing. I realised I hardly had any - I'd been through too much in my life for too long, longer than those 13 years.

I think that low resilience makes you scared because you don't know that you have the resources to deal with what life throws at you. So, it's really scary to deal with things in your life.
Someone telling you, "You've got this!" helps, but you really need to learn that you've got this for yourself.
I recommend self-assertiveness training as well as looking into building resilience (they go together). I think it's possible to do these on your own (online or with self-help books), as I have done, but would be even better with a group or therapist, if possible.

I also recommend going outside for walks and doing some exercise, if you can. I had a minor breakdown the year after Mum's stroke (and my surgery) and found exercise was better therapy than anything else the GP offered. I've just got a year's membership to the local zoo, mostly to encourage me to get out more and walk in nature.

I've recently downloaded a free app that guides you through breathing exercises. I find I'm more relaxed and open after doing them. They also help me to switch off my brain to sleep.

Because of these things I've done to help myself, I've had the courage to do other things I've always wanted to, but felt afraid. It might seem silly to be afraid, but I've never been good at doing nice things for myself.

So, I finally started to write one of the novels that have been sitting in my head for years (literally!). It's a shame that Mum will never get to read the finished piece, but I don't want fear to hold me back anymore.

Nor guilt. This forum has really helped with letting go of those negative emotions that have always put me down. Guilt has always been a big one for me.

I'm also going to try and learn to drive. Mum's world shrank so small - I want my world to be bigger. To that end, I'm going to get a passport and travel. On my own.

I have a friend, across the country, who's been ill, so I've been travelling and staying near her, on my own. It's always easier to do something for someone else, I just need to do it for myself, as well.

I haven't exactly done all the things I want to do to live my life for me, instead of for others, but I'm getting there.
Just feeling that I deserve to live my life how I want is a good start.

I hope you start making moves in the right direction. Or, at least, do something that's just for you, however small.

I retired early to care for my husband at home (he had frontotemporal degeneraation(. He went to an adult day care center 3 days/week. After a hospitalization, his neurologist said he was no longer safe at home. He went into long-term care (fortunately, the neurologist was its medical director). He was there for 6 years, 4 months as a private-pay resident. Until COVID-19 lockdowns prohibited all visiting unless a resident was close to death, i visited him most days (except I allowed myself a yearly vacation). I remainded his strongest advocate until his death. When he died, I worked w/our priest for a Requiem Eucharist. This was a little over 3 years, 3 months ago. He was on hospice care for his last two months, Do I still miss him? Of course, but I've moved on. Went on a trip to
England w/a group from our churc iin 10;/22 and a trip to Tulip Time in Holland, MI in spring 2024, w/my sisters. I'm going on another trip to Greece w/most of the people from that church including the priest (now retired) in about a week. I did attend a grief support group sponsored by the hospice I enrolled him into shortly after he died. That option isn'r open to you (yef) because your mother is still alive (thankfully). But there's also something called "anticipatory grief". You *can* reclaim your life; it won't occur overniight, though. See a therapist if you need addifional help (I did for a while my late husband was in long-term care). If you don't know a suitable therapist, talk to your doctor/nurse practitioner/physician assistant or a member of the clergy at your church, mosque, synagogue, or temple if you are at all religious. This is nothing that s/he hasn't heard before. S/he will also refer you to a therapist if necessary. God bless and you *will* be able to get your life back again.

You're very wise to wait to build yourself back up. The physical, mental and emotional strain is enormous.

For the first year - I re-claimed my life by keeping busy. I love making lists and getting things checked off. At the end of the day I got pleasure from a sense of accomplishment. I got a ton of stuff done. Still, for that year I felt no better than an amiable smiling zombie. I went to lunch, plays, and movies with friends, and although I wasn't in the mood (?), or of a mind(?) to do more, my second year is much better because I became more active.

Slowly I returned to an activity I enjoyed years ago, Pickleball. I also joined an indoor rowing group for the first time in my life. I'm 73 and I'm here to tell you, man, the music and the leader who sets the pace creates a Zen like bug-out-of-yourself experience. Forty-five minutes feels like 20. The repetitive motion is not difficult and soothing. And surrounded by about 20 people rowing in sync is a terrific feeling.

Movement! Maybe for you it's dancing that could be the key to elevate your mood. The less I did the less I could do. Never again.

Let your active BODY lead your mind, and emotions to rediscover solace and contentment. For some it could be the MIND (binge comedy movies) that will lead the body and emotions to health and happiness. For others EMOTIONS (playing with puppies) may heal the body and mind.

Sit near a children's water park. Absorb their joy. It's contagious.