I've posted a couple of times before. This is an update and a plea for help.
Mom is 76 and has had MS for 50+ years. She moved away from her family 35 years ago with a man who became her caregiver. They were very secretive about her health and needs, so we never had a clear picture of how she was doing.
Her partner passed away, and mom was brought back to the area where her family lives. We acquired the house next door to mine with the intention of making this a group family effort. My brother moved in with her, stair lifts were installed (it's a 2 story house). I pay her bills, manage appointments, etc. and my brother does the hands-on caregiving. I have severe COPD, and the accompanying limitations.
My brother works a part time job mid afternoon to about 10 PM. I have a corporate job that I, thankfully, work from my home office. I work about 60 hours a week.
Mom insists on using the stair lift on her own when she knows it's unsafe to do so. Initially, she was lying about using it, but we caught her at it several times. She won't stop. She has chronic UTIs, but frankly it's hard to tell the difference between that weird behavior and her status quo.
Many, many PT/OT people have been sent packing. Same as the visiting nurse she agreed to that her doctor set up. It was supposed to be M/W/F. The nurse came on Monday and it was fine. The nurse returned on Wednesday and mom went nuts on her and ordered her out of the house. We're getting used to constantly apologizing for her.
She really shouldn't be left alone when my brother goes to work. When it's warmer out, I can go sit with her (even though she resents it and is abusive the whole time), but I can't do that in the winter because of my lungs. She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her.
Lately, she has been saying that she wants to "get out from under my thumb". My "thumb" being that I remind her that it's not safe to use the stair lift when she's alone or asking her what she had for dinner. She said she would like to move to an apartment or assisted living so that she "wouldn't be a burden" to us. Of course, any time she has been in rehab or when her partner would take advantage of a respite opportunity, it's been total tears the whole time: "Get me out of here", "I hate it here", "I want to go home".
She has been hospitalized three times since she came back into our lives last June, and had a couple of weeks of rehab after each hospitalization. Hated the first two. Really liked the last place, which also has a residence facility next door. Talked to her about that place. She was gung ho.
I called them last week and explained the situation. The person I spoke to consulted with the rehab staff, looked at mom's record of her recent stay and said she would likely be "level 2 care" Assisted Living (there are 2 higher levels of care above this) and lo and behold they have ONE 1 bedroom apartment that will be available after carpeting is replaced tomorrow.
Now all of a sudden, mom is totally against it. She says she doesn't want to leave her house (which she tells us literally dozens of times a week how much she hates it and that she wants an apartment). Won't let anyone come to the house to help her. She is defiant. Talks non-stop about wanting to die.
We cannot go on like this. This is killing my brother, and it's killing me. She sabotages our every attempt to keep her safe and as healthy as she can be. She lies. She tries to pit me against my brother and vice versa (but we are wise to it, and have made her aware that there are no secrets between us).
To be completely honest, she has always been a miserable person. She has never been a loving, affectionate mom. She seems hell bent on self-destruction and it appears she wants to take us with her.
I refuse. My brother refuses. This has got to stop. What options do we have? My brother has no intention of abandoning her, but he can't continue like this. Please help.
My mom is making a game out of draining her bank accounts of cash and opening new accounts at other banks. She lies about it, accuses my good brother of using her credit cards (which he isn't, of course, and doesn't have access to them), can't remember what she wrote checks for, and on and on.
Bad brother and wife finally have what they wanted. I wash my hands of it all. They all deserve one another.
I really hope your mother will be happy, safe and well cared for. I hope her new home works out for her, I really do.
Does this mean it's likely to be the beginning of a new and beautiful relationship between you and her, or for the family as a whole?
You've lived with this family a long time...
I had an actual "deer in the headlights" moment. Was it mom? Was it BB calling to say something had happened? What do I do? If I don't answer, I'll have to sit here and listen live to any message that is left. Do I answer? Can I handle one more bit of bad news or negativity right now?
I picked up the phone. It was my mom calling me from her place on her just-installed landline. She was 100% upbeat and happy sounding. She talked to me as though we talked every day, as we used to do for 35 years when she lived far away. She was telling me how nice her place is and how excited she is to have me come visit. She was all happy that she gets to watch TV all day. Which was, ironically, her second biggest complaint about the ALF: That all she did was watch TV all day. Complaint #1 was the cost, even though she has plenty of money.
I was shell-shocked. I really didn't know what to say to her. I mostly ended up saying "That's nice" or "That's good".
Now keep in mind I haven't heard a peep from her since October 3rd and here it was October 30th. She was VERY aware of that, and proactively said, "I am so glad to have a phone again, and my address book (which she keeps in her purse, BTW). I haven't been able to call anyone." Well, she was able to call me on the 3rd when she needed my help. And she was able to call her investment guy to withdraw $2,000 from her investment account last week and tell her account manager not to tell me (See my October 6th post).
She did ask how I was doing. I told her that I have a couple of Dr.'s appointments this Friday and one on Monday to finally pick up my VPAP equipment. I have REALLY bad sleep apnea combined with my COPD, and I stopped driving alone after dozing off at a red light and awaking to a police officer tapping my car window
On the call last night, she kept saying how much she wants me to come visit her and see her place. I reminded her that I'm really not driving until I get settled in with my VPAP equipment and am not so sleepy all the time.
I am sure I will go visit her. Just not yet, and not just because of the driving issue, of course. I feel like I need to recover more from all of this first, and to be frank, I feel like I need to set some boundaries for our relationship or something before any visits take place. Things like "I'll be happy to come visit you, mom, but just you. You know I'm uncomfortable around bad brother and his wife".
I want her to be safe and happy and as healthy as possible. I can tell from her financial transactions that she has gotten set up with a new doctor, has gotten her prescriptions re-issued/filled. She wanted this current setup (trailer next door to bad brother and spouse) and she made it happen, and she seems to be happy for the moment. Bad brother doesn't work, so he will be close by if he's needed. Provided he doesn't drink and doesn't start breaking womens' arms and beating them up, maybe this will all work out.
I know he is the "good brother", but that's a comparative statement. His kids never had a Christmas tree, he wouldn't let them trick-or-treat, they never got gifts for ANYTHING. It's not like they went to church or anything, either. There just simply were no holidays or special days in that house.
Now that they are grown with kids of their own, a lot of that has come back to bite him. My niece includes him in holidays and things, and until now, he has more or less participated. Of course she had told him clearly that if he tries to poop on their festivities in any way, he is out. And if he tries to brainwash her kids the way he did with her and her brother, there won't be anymore one-on-one time with his grandkids.
My brother's son pretty much just ignores his existence.
It's sad. But I'm moving forward with my own stuff. I was raised in such a guilt-laden environment that my biggest struggle will be to allow myself to be happy and enjoy the season knowing there is such darkness and sadness in my family. I refuse to hang on to the guilt and sadness and worry the way my mom always has. She clutched it to her heart and fed it every day. Now she has no control over it and she's unhappy every moment of her life.
That's not for me.
It just sounds a bit bonkers, that's all. I mean, I'm wholly, absolutely in agreement with people's choosing what to celebrate (or not) and how, yes of course; but finding out about lots of things? Telling his daughter that the Santa anagram is significant? Thinking Passover hasn't been hi-jacked by commerce? (are you kidding??? Kosher for Passover certified sugar. I ask you!)
I am still looking for an Advent calendar that is about the coming of Christ and not the coming of Santa in chocolate form, so I do sympathise with his protest against the commercial exploitation. But as you say, what's that got to do with getting together?
It all does sound as though he's going through some pretty turbulent emotions do you think?
Of course everyone can do what they like for the holidays. And for every other day, as well. I'm just saddened because this was already going to be a rough holiday season, and now my last relative is bailing in an odd, to me, way.
It often takes someone with a strong character to resist being sucked into the spending orgy of holidays.
He didn't do the traditional Christmas stuff (or any holiday stuff, really) when his kids were growing up. No tree. No Easter Bunny. And definitely no trick-or-treating. He would always come over if we were having dinner, opening gifts, stuff like that for Christmas. I thought he had left that stuff behind him. Again, maybe it was the rough year with my mom that has weirded him up again.
And now I have no one left. lol
Er. In what *way* is your brother going to observe Passover?
Are you sure he's not pulling your leg?
Lassie, getting away would probably be a good idea. Not sure we can swing it (depends on house sitter's availability, work schedules, weather, my health, etc.) but who knows... We used to travel the world together for our business, and the appeal of it kind of waned over the years.
When I asked good brother about his refusal to even attend holiday meals this year, he said something about --- Well here is a copy and paste from his email:
"No, I'm done with Christmas and other holidays. I will observe Passover, however. I have to be true to my beliefs, so I cannot cherry pick aspects of the holidays to suit my desires or the expectations of cultural customs. I won't be attending Christmas Eve nor Christmas Day Dinner with anyone, either, but thanks for the invite. I hope everyone respects my conviction on this, as to avoid the awkwardness of giving gifts back to people, which I will do.
I'm just completely not indulging in any aspects of the holidays which includes the related meals. I'm actually not even consuming any Halloween candies anymore. Your one brother is a felon and your other brother is a weirdo. However, we have the rest of the year to hang out and indulge."
Passover? He's not Jewish. :-) I think that year of taking care of mom has broken something in him. Seriously.
I am dreading the holidays. My family is very small, consisting of both brothers and my mom. That's it. My partner's family consists of a brother, his wife and two grown daughters. They don't live local to us. Now that mom is cloistered with bad brother and good brother has declared his life to be a "Christmas-free zone", it looks like we'll be on our own this year.
Not that it's very different from most of the past, but I sure had high hopes things would get better. Last year, mom and good brother came over from next door on Christmas Eve. We had a very nice time.
For the record, that was the second time my mom had ever been in my house since I moved in 14 years ago. I guess that says something, especially considering she lived next door to me for over six months.
Things I think I need to learn to accept:
1) This family has always been broken.
2) Continuing to work towards creating the family I thought I had is ridiculous
3) I need to stop taking responsibility for all of it and get on with my life
I have gotten three calls from my mom since she moved from the ALF. One the Monday after she moved. One a couple of weeks ago asking me how she could get proof of income (Social Security) for the place she's buying the mobile home from, then a follow up call later that day on the same topic.
Other than that, not a peep from her. I continue to oversee her accounts, and there have been no red flags other than this morning, when I saw a checking account deposit from her investment account for $2,000. Which she didn't need. She has plenty of money in her checking and savings.
So I called her financial guy. He and I have gotten to know one another over the past year and a half. I've keep him in the loop regarding mom's situation and my concerns. He's concerned, as well, and has brought his office manager into the loop. This is a large investment firm, and they know what they're doing.
Turns out my mom called him and told him she needed $2,000. He did ask her what it was for, and she said that it's for appliances for her mobile home. It seemed like a reasonable amount for that, and he was able to send it out of her available cash and not have to liquidate anything. Interestingly, she specifically told him not to tell me. That kind of crushed me momentarily, but more about that later.
I asked him what would happen if she started making large withdrawals or cashing things in. He is aware that she has plenty of money in savings and checking. He said that they have flagged her account for the potential of financial elder abuse, and that they have a process in place if they have any reason to believe that is taking place.
I was pretty relieved about that, as I was worried that would fall to me, should it become an issue.
As for mom asking him not to tell me... Yeah, I was pretty crushed for a moment or two. Of her three children, I am the only one who is financially solvent. The only one never to need or ask for a bailout. I have stood by her and done everything I could for her. I've wrecked my own physical and mental health for her.
I really think she gets off on the drama and sneaking around and secret-keeping.
Anyway, my point is this: Little things like her "don't tell my daughter" comment about the $2K and the fact that she doesn't call me are just helping me to harden my heart a bit, which is what I've desperately needed.
Truth be told, I am relieved that bad brother and his wife stepped up and are taking responsibility for her care. I know I've done all I could in that regard, as did good brother and his daughter. I don't mind being a watchful eye to be sure that mom's bills get paid, that she's not been double-charged on a credit card and that bad brother and wife can't take advantage of her without being spotted right away.
I would much rather be doing this than dealing with the daily battles. And while I secretly hope mom gives bad brother at least as much trouble as she gave us, if it does end up working out for all of them... Well, I'm glad about that, of course.
At the end of the day, I've come to realize several things:
First, this is NOT how healthy mother/daughter relationships are. Our relationship has never been healthy, no matter how I tried to rationalize it in my mind. She doesn't know how to be a mom. Never did. That makes me sad for both of us.
Secondly, no matter what, I don't deserve the way I've been treated. More importantly, the way I've been treated has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my mom and her "issues". Again, sad for both of us.
Thirdly, even though I've been indoctrinated to believe otherwise, I do not owe my mom my life. Yes, she gave birth to me, but I was an accident perpetrated by two teenagers and she has never let me forget it. She apparently feels my birth stole her life from her, and I guess her plan was to make me pay forever. Well, I've redirected my energies back to my own life, health and relationships.
That said, I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, and I'm getting married mid-December to my lifelong friend. I will be 60, and we have been close friends since I was in 1st grade. We became a couple 16 years ago, were engaged 9 years ago, and we're finally making it official.
My job is very demanding, and I came very close to losing it because of the mom stuff over the past 18 months. I'm trying to refocus on that, as it's a really awesome job and I'm good at it.
All of this makes me glad that I never became a mother. I am terrified that the way my mom is is genetic and I would hate to be that kind of mother to my kids.
You would not need to find a replacement POA. You would just need to serve her with notice that you are done. If an attorney drew up the POA, send a copy of your resignation to the attorney.
What good is being your mentally ill mother's POA doing for you? Your body seems to be screaming at you that this is no longer working for you.
Of course you are tired. This stuff is crazy making and exhausting. However, you do have control over your life, just not over hers. Please make that distinction. Your life is separate to hers and you can make decisions for yourself that she does not like. She makes many decisions for herself that you do not like. So be it. I totally understand the fantasy about running away. I have had it more than once myself. But do take that wonderful man with you and build a life for yourselves without the mama drama.
You do not have to continue to be POA if it is too hard on you. You can resign. All it takes is putting it in writing and getting that to her. I have considered it seriously myself. Thankfully mother is past the trouble making phase now. The stress does affect our health and you have a serious health condition which is impacted by stress. Up to 40% of caregivers die before the ones they care give. Think seriously about what is good for you. You do NOT have to sacrifice yourself in the altar of your mother's mental illness.
Focus on you and your loved one and building a life that is good for you. Spend less and less time concerned with your mother whether it is doing things for her or thinking about her and her problems. How about setting a time limit on thinking/worrying about her. Give your self so many minutes a day (maybe 30 mins) for this then change your line of thought. It can be done but has to be intentional and takes effort. That is taking and having control over your life and you can do it and probably should. You can plan your own time as you wish, you can "kick her out of your head". It takes work by replacing those thoughts of her with something better, and almost anything will be better. Develop any hobbies you have, read those books you wanted to, or try those recipes, go for walks, have coffee with friends - you get the idea. Detach from her and her unhealthy ways. She will suffer the consequences of her decisions and that is good and not your problem, I agree with babalou - she made her bed, let her lie in it. You don't have to rescue her.
Bottom line - take care of you first. Start today, right now, and feel the freedom. ((((((hugs)))))) and blessings.
Got phone call #2 from my mom yesterday afternoon (9/30). All sweetness and light. She withdrew $5,000 from her savings account the other day. I didn't bring it up on this call, but I would really like to be able to note what it was for. I keep scrupulous notes on every deposit/withdrawal with an eye towards any Medicaid lookback in the future. I suspect it was withdrawn so she could make some sort of payment towards her trailer. She told me sometime last month that the down payment had to be a money order or cashier's check.
When we were on the phone, she said, "Your brother says you are welcome to come visit me." I said, "Well, thank him, but you know I can't do that." And that was it. She knows I am afraid of him, and has known since all this started that I wouldn't be going to visit her while she's living with him. Still, it felt awkward and made me feel like a horrible person.
I'm so tired in every possible way. I don't feel like I have any control over any aspect of my life anymore. I will tell you what I fantasize about, but shhhhhh! Don't tell anyone. I think about packing up my little box of keepsakes, my laptop, my Kindle and my dog, and running away. Going where no one knows me and just living my life. I work remotely, so I can do my job from anywhere.
My dad was abusive to my mom and me. When I was about 7 years old, my mom had a one-night fling with a guy (according to her). I believe she suspects BB is the product of that night. BB is an alcoholic (as was the fling-guy), and BB falls somewhere on the autism spectrum IMO, as well.
BB struggled in school, and my mom would do his homework. He got a paper route and she folded all his papers for him. She wouldn't let the school hold him back for any grades, either.
He exhibited head shaking and hand flapping. He would do bizarre things: One time my dad was taking me to a piano recital. BB wanted to go and was told he couldn't. So he bashed his head through a pane of glass in our french doors.
Mom feels guilt over the fling, guilt about the uncertain paternity of BB and guilt that she didn't "do something" about his "condition" when he was a kid. [Note: we never went to doctors unless a bone was sticking out or we had cut off a limb/digit]. I have told her for decades that back in the 1960s they wouldn't have been able to test/diagnose him anyway and to stop beating herself up over it.
So anyway, that is how he ended up being the Golden Child. No matter what I have ever accomplished in life, I never got the love and approval that he has always gotten. As much as that hurts on one level, I also realize that my quest for love and approval helped me to accomplish some pretty awesome things in my life, and I have finally learned to work like that for my OWN satisfaction and not in pursuit of something external.
In a nutshell:
Thank you so much for all of the input and support. Here are the key points I wanted to make:
Mom, BB & Wife have NO idea what they're in for. There are so many things about caring for her that they have no clue about. The UTIs, the med hoarding, the suicide games, the lying, the playing one caregiver against the other. They don't realize what a big problem it will be for her to have access to a stove. Or that she can't safely bathe herself but won't accept help. Or that she refuses any home care assistance. She has been there three days now. I suspect it's getting... interesting.
What I am willing to do: If mom asks for MY help specifically to move back to an ALF, I will help her find a place. BB & Wife would need to physically move her. I will also continue to manage her money, pay her bills, etc. unless she removes me as POA. I believe she has better sense than to put either of my brothers in control of her money.
To the person who asked: Yes, I am a rescuer/fixer. Not by nature, but by design. That was my role in the family growing up. Mom was often incapacitated by the MS, and I had to take care of all of us. This started when I was 12. I grew into a very organized, driven, tenacious person with excellent project management skills. Go me.
For the person who asked: Mom has had MS for 50+ years. It affects her mobility, and I suspect cognitive involvement. Other than that, she has none of the usual maladies of someone who is 77 years old. No heart, sugar, blood pressure, pulmonary or other typical problems other than serial UTIs. She is, in fact, healthier than I am. I have advanced COPD with apnea overlap and CO2 retention. And some weird autoimmune thing that right now has my body covered in a blistery rash. Yay.
And yes, I am going to exhale and try to enjoy this time and try not to be on high alert as I have been for the past 15 months. I'm taking steps to improve my own health, and taking the time to be present in my own little family group. I am getting married in December, to someone who has been a best friend for over 50 years. We've been a couple since 2000, and engaged since 2007. He's a wonderful man... Kind, loving, gentle, brilliant, creative. We were made for one another like two puzzle pieces. I am so grateful to have him in my life.