An 80 yo woman I met about 4 years ago and we became friends and I would clean for her once a week for free after church, offered to let me move into her home and in a mutually beneficial arrangement where she is alone; has no living family and her husband is dying in a home, and I had lost everything in divorce and a disabling injury, so I could watch over her and take care of her and she could help me with a room and small purchases for personal items. She knew I had no income and was ok with that. I knew she was naive and vulnerable and had fallen for scams, but I didn't think she had dementia but maybe that was me missing the very beginnings as she was a bit weird, but I waived it off as quirky or from just being very sheltered. I felt bad for her because she was so nice and was struggling so much since her husband had a stroke.
Over a year of me caring for her and her house and using her card to buy things for her house and her food and some purchases through Amazon, with never saying anything to me or acting distrustful of me (in fact she asked me to use her card to handle her fastrak 3 days before this happened), a routine question at the bank turned into her telling them I was not only stealing from her, but that I had signed her checks. (Which yes, I did write out her checks, but I did it 8 months prior when she asked me to, to pay her bills after surgery.)
At first, she was telling me she was being threatened by a social worker at APS and they were "watching us" and I had to move out or I'd be arrested. Which made no sense to me since I knew I did nothing illegal and was just blindsighted with these accusations. But I believed her at the time, thinking a bad social worker was confusing her naive nature. Then she flipped back to, no, telling our priest that actually I was thieving maniac and she called the police asking for a restraining order and continued to call this same social worker. It was so confusing and insane. When I called the police later on they told me they looked into her claims, questioned her and she made no sense and there was no evidence of any wrong doing/fraud. They were very nice and sympathetic to me.
So legally, I'm fine, although she continues to try to mess up my Amazon account I stupidly put her card on so now she's back charging things shes reneging on that I had permission to buy.
But more importantly my priest believed her and I lost everything, I was the sunday school teacher and had major responsibilities elsewhere, I was very active and well liked and trusted for many years, never had a complaint. I was very close to the priest and now he hates me and thinks I was some crazy angry elder abuser all along who tricked everyone, I don't know what she told him but it must have been awful because he was livid and wouldn't even listen to me and kicked me out of my only community. In the time it took me to move out she was constantly calling the police, she told everyone I was crazy and scary, she got so agitated once she even assaulted me in a rage, it was hell. Absolute hell.
I cannot fully express the total flip in demeanor in this woman towards me, it was so confusing, so out of the blue and heart breaking. Heart crushing. I was so physically ill from the stress I ended up in the ER. I loved both her and the priest so much, I did so much to help and be there for her and to be treated this way I don't think I'll ever get over it. I can't help but think she lied on purpose and flip flopped, but why would she do that? But the way she went on so cruelly against me and acted like I was some evil threat after the week before acting like my best friend? Did she just not like me but couldn't get rid of me directly? I feel so bad for getting angry in return but I've never been in trouble in my life and everything that meant anything to me was destroyed, my reputation gone, housing gone. We were so close; I loved my community and faith; I feel so betrayed and dead inside. All over lies.
I know you are heartbroken and upset but please keep in mind that they are very open to suggestion and if they see something they don't understand or don't recall, they will immediately fill in the blanks and they have to figure out why this was spent or where something is. Well, someone must have stolen it. The person at the bank may have questioned who you were and thought you were stealing from the woman. If she was able to "showtime" really well, then other people will not know she has dementia. You were living with her and didn't realize it, so you can see how this happens. They can hold it together for show time, a short period of time when others are around, like doctors or people who don't see them every day.
If it makes you feel any better at all, if her husband was "in a home after a stroke", that house was never going to be yours. Once he died and she died, Medicaid would come to get any assets in their names to pay for husband's long term care. That would include the house you were living in, and it could've happened very fast, leaving you homeless.
I think it's worth it to take evidence to the priest. I would also remind him of his job and that he should not have flown off the handle like that. It's malpractice.
Best of luck to you moving on and never moving in with another "friend" again. At least not without a written contract.
Thank you so much.
And the weird thing is she admitted getting texts to the police as well. Every time she was actually questioned in detail, she would admit to not talking to me, not asking for money back, for me to stop or change or anything. All I can think is they just put the suspicion in her mind just from the fact an authority was asking and her mind took off from there into complete paranoid worst case scenario.
The priest isn't your friend either. These are my opinions.
I hope you find a stable place to live and can move forward. Live and Learn and some would say 'forgive'. That is up to you as well.
Yeah, you're right. Thank you.
What I've found useful when being maligned by others is to go about my business as I normally do, showing my normal calm behavior, so that people can see what kind of person I am. Which is peace-loving, friendly, helpful and transparent. The malicious person is then the questionable one, as they should be. I would never hurt anyone on purpose, nor do I look or behave as if I would. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying, and people are usually smart enough to know it. This is what I suggest that you do.
Eventually this person who turned on you will be known to have full-fledged dementia, and your priest and community will find out that you were wrongly accused. In the meantime, why not try out a new church? You might find a community that you like better. Good luck in doing so!
Thank you!!!
What are your finances? Do you have any income or assets from the divorce? Since you had a disabling injury, have you applied for disability payments? You would have needed things like food and medical care during the year you were living with this woman -- how have you been paying for those? Those are not just "small purchases for personal items." Cancel the Amazon account that is in your name but has her credit card number on it, to protect yourself from future accusations. If your finances and hers are still enmeshed in any other ways, separate them now, again, to protect yourself.
Go to the police station and get a copy of the case report from when they investigated, and use that to help clear your name wherever necessary, including within your church community. You can talk with the others involved in the Sunday school and parish without the priest's involvement, even if he continues to believe this woman's accusations. Mail him a copy of the police report that cleared you.
As traumatic as this was, it was a brief part of your life. Don't let it ruin everything for you. Pick up the pieces and move forward, even if you never get the answers you want. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Her card is off the Amazon but she's been charging back purchases. But as of now everything is separate.
I will, thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
Really, I don't think much of your priest. There is always two sides of the story. Did he have proof or is he just believing the woman.
You don't say your age. If you have worked or been married for 10 yrs at least, at 62 you can start collecting Social Security. Widowed, 60. Its not the 100% you get at 67 but its something. If not 62, you need to find work to get your SS earnings. Go to Social Services for help. I would never allow myself to get into this situation again. You cannot sign someone elses checks unless you have POA or are share the acct.
I'm a bit younger than that, but I'm working with the county to try to find something for me. The police told her and me it was reasonable when someone is injured in a household that someone writing out the bills with permission is fine, so that never became an issue luckily. He looked at her check register and told me he saw nothing weird and for me not to worry. But you're 100% right, I won't ever put myself in a situation like that again. I was naive.
I'm so sorry you've had to endure this. On this forum there is barely a participant who would recommend the live-in caregiver scenario as it *often* ends in the way you just experienced.
You need to move through this, pick up the pieces and get on rebuilding your life before it's too late. There will be nothing productive in wallowing in this debacle. Move to another city or state (or maybe somewhere you have family allies); find a job with an agency as an aid since you have experience as a companion aid -- or even cleaning houses (my bonus daughter makes $50 p/hr cleaning); join Care.com for gigs; apply for Section 8 housing to find something affordable. Whatever you do, do NOT repeat what you just did no matter how promising the person seems. Live-in caregiving almost always only benefits the elder whose house you live in. You must make your own cash, not just barter services for room and board.
You can report her to APS and maybe even the police (who will do nothing more than a wellness check). If the police find anything "worrisome" all they will do is call APS, so just start with them. Or, decide to do nothing and move on.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you reclaim your life.
That actually makes me feel better though to know this isn't uncommon, I most definitely have learned my lesson.
I made my own APS report and talked to the ombudsman, initially to report the social worker to tell her what he was supposedly doing but we got talking for like 45 minutes about how APS works and how she saw a lot of this kind of thing when she was working for them. She said they basically have to crash and burn all their money and become completely dysfunctional before the government will get involved. I was hoping they would get her evaluated or to a better doctor, but they don't do that.
Thank you so much again.
Call APS , or the County Area Agency of Aging and report vulnerable elders. Tell
them to speak to the police that you dealt with.
Try to tell the priest and others that you think she has dementia and you have called authorities to check on her and especially her vulnerable husband.
I agree with having the Priest contact the police as well. I hope you get your community back.
Thank you.
In the meantime, keep your contacts and involvement in the Church community (with or without the priest), and wait for this to blow over. Best wishes, Margaret
It was an even stranger experience, let me tell you. Thank you so much!