He takes care of our kid (4F) full time before she starts going to school but I am resentful as I am the only breadwinner. He doesn't have any plans to make any money for us though he used to a few years ago. He wants to continue being his mom's full time caregiver. Is this normal?
Ask yourself this. If his mother (your MIL) is so bad off and has to have him with her 24/7 to meet her care needs, how can he also watch his 4 year old daughter? Your child is not in pre-school at her age? He could be doing online work during this time to earn money for his wife, child, and the marital household. I had two husbands and both of them would beg in the street rather than freeload off of me or their families.
What kind of a man with an ounce of respect for himself and his family is willing to live like this? You say he's 51 years old. So he started a family with you when he was in his late 40's. He doesn't get to stop earning now because he doesn't want to work anymore or because his mother needs caregiving. True, work can be hard to find at his age and he may not get work in his field. He may have to take a pay cut. Or work a job that he believes is beneath him. No job in the world is lower than a grown man freeloading off of his wife and mother and not providing for his child. If he wants his job to be caregiving for his mother, she has to start paying him. Then he needs to send that money over to you for support of the marital household and his child.
The not living together with you and his daughter is what raises the red flag here with me. That arrangement sure sounds like a man who does not want to be a married family man anymore. Maybe you would do well to have a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and just explain your situation.
Tell your husband now that if he wants to remain married to you, he gets a job and comes home. If his paying 'job' is taking care of his mother, he brings in a caregiver to stay with her (that she pays for) when he goes home at night to his wife and child. If she can't afford it, she goes into a memory care facility.
I truly hope things work out for you and your husband returns to you and his child being his top priority. If it doesn't, you deserve far better than how you're living now. Don't settle for this kind of life.
Maybe suggest his Mom *PAY* him for providing 24/7 care? If not, why not? Or, is he biding his time waiting for the inheritance of her house and assets? Does he have siblings?
In the end it is weird of him to live apart from his family and think this is totally ok and won't have repercussions at some point. It may be time for couples therapy. You need to decide what you're willing to tolerate. There's such a thing as "Quiet Quitting", where a spouse basically recedes from the marital relationship but stays in the home/relationship, not wanting to go through a divorce. Maybe that's what he's doing?
Since being on this forum almost daily since 2019 I've come across a few posts where one of the spouses is living with (or practically living with) the needy parent.
You may want to see the therapist first by yourself and figure out what you want.
You do realize that if his mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's that it can go on for 20+ years right? Are you willing to be the only breadwinner for that long?
Your husband OBVIOUSLY has his priorities mixed up as it should be you, your marriage, and your daughter who come WAY before his mom, so perhaps it's time for a wake up call for hubby, by moving out with your daughter if you're all living together and filing separation papers through the courts.
If that doesn't wake him up and make him fly right I doubt anything will.
Bottom line here is that you and your daughter deserve SO much better. I hope you realize that.
How long have you been married? Was your husband always passive, a slacker, or was he a good and responsible contributor to the household?
A lot of men are "Momma's Boys" and he may really be struggling emotionally with his mom's needs and her physical/ mental decline.
I think it's admirable he wants to take care of his mom, as long as he's not using this as an excuse to avoid real responsibility.
What does his mother need? Does she need a full time caregiver? Does she need help with activities of daily living? You say his has been living with his mom for 2 years. Does she live with you? Do you live in her home? Is your husband an absent husband, living apart from you?
If your mother in law is eligible for Medicaid's Home and Community Based Services, it is possible your husband could be paid to be her caregiver.
I've asked a lot of questions because it is really up to you to determine whether you are comfortable with this arrangement. I had several long term relationships with men who were passive and non-responsible before I met my husband. I was 48 when I got married, because it took me that long to find a man I could count on to really be there for me; someone who could make a decision on his own, and could tell me "No". There's nothing wrong with your husband wanting to take care of his mother. If it is a problem for you, then you need to talk with him about it and decide whether your marriage can weather this phase. His mother could live another 10 to 20 years like this. Ask him what his level of commitment is to being by her side and what is his commitment to you and your daughter?
Your mother in law can live many years like this. My father had dementia for ten years before he died from it.
He needs to be a husband and father first. If your MIL has savings, it should be used to pay for her care.