This forum and many of the folks on it have been SO helpful in offering their own experiential insight as I posted about an escalating situation that my sister and I (37 and 34) have been dealing with, involving our aging parents (78 year old dad, 72 year old mom). Several of you have also urged me to share updates and in the hope that this might be helpful for people treading similar waters, here's the latest:
Short-ish background. Our dad was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in 2022. It mostly manifests as speech troubles and impulsivity. It has progressed, but he is still firmly in MCI territory. (His most recent neurology assessment was last week and I went to it with my parents, as I've done for the last few.) He gets frustrated by it sometimes but stays active and in good spirits. Our mom has struggled for a long time with untreated anxiety and depression, for which she has occasionally explored therapy and medication, without really committing to trying either for the long haul. Our dad's condition and looming questions about aging, such as needing to move to a more aging-suitable home, have made her mental health challenges much worse in recent years. My sister and I have tried to help them find a good place to move to, and we have encouraged our mom to avail herself of therapeutic and/or psychiatric support, which she has been vocally receptive to. But again, other than handful of therapy sessions here and there, she has never really followed through lastingly.
Three months ago, our dad slips on ice on the stairs up to their house and breaks his hip. A scenario my sister and I have feared. Surgery goes well, the inpatient rehab phase is tough but physically effective, but then the discharge to home happens and many of the issues we've dealt with pre-accident manifest again. Our mom feels burnt out as the sole caregiver but refuses to explore solutions that my sister and I research and put in front of our folks; such as respite care or in-home help. They have the money for either, just as they have the money to move to a good place that's better for aging. But our mom comes up with reasons why the solutions won't work, our dad doesn't push back (to mitigiate conflict between them), and my sister and I throw up our hands and give up.
I stepped back for a bit, to mentally recuperate, and by mid-May, once our dad was walking unassisted again and doing most of his usual things, the four of us all sat down with an eldercare consultant (my idea) to help us identify a plan for getting our folks into a better situation, while also underscoring the things my sister and I can do to help them, and where support from a friend, therapist, or medical provider would be more helpful. (Both of our parents have a habit of venting to my sister and I, which has forced us to draw harder boundaries.)
One thing I took on, which my parents had been meaning to do for years, was set up a meeting with an estate lawyer to finish up legal directives. (POA and such were set up in 2022.) The meeting went well and my folks agreed to follow up with the necessary financial documents to firm it up.
They have also stepped up their visits to new potential homes.
Another thing that happened around this time was that my dad had a near miss on the road, which triggered brewing concerns about his driving, and he has admirably decided to stop driving. My sister and I got him set up using Lyft and other ride services for times when he needs to go someplace and he doesn't want our mom to have to drive him. I also helped him get a new step-through bike. (His surgeon encouraged this.)
Our biggest challenge is still our mom's indecisiveness and mental health challenges, which negate our efforts to help our folks make decisions we can't make. We persuaded her to reconnect with a therapist she saw once and liked. But it took time to persuade her to make an appointment.
Overall, we have made progress. But I'm stepping back to recharge again.
One of the moves they should consider is a move to a CCC (Continuing Care Community) This would enable mom to get help with dad in Assisted Living when she needs it but starting in Independent Living (if that is appropriate at this time) then as dad declines Memory Care if that becomes necessary.
It is key to know when to step back. It's great that you realize that you will
have to be doing that from time to time.
I'm happy you are enforcing boundaries, while still remaining actively engaged with your parents. I'm sure your mother's lack of taking action is frustrating for you.
If you feel your parents are both open to making a change, especially to moving, but you are letting them take the lead on this, some people are just not good at taking action. They hem and haw, they make excuses, they procrastinate. For them, you could possibly take charge of this for them, even without activating POA status. If they are open to moving, and just don't want the trouble of making it happen, you and your sister take charge and make it happen.
Or Make virtual appointments for your mother with a therapist she likes, and remind her of the appointment times. Don't leave it to her if she doesn't follow through.
Of course, you don't need to do any of this! Choosing to step back and let them manage their life on their own is an admirable step for you to take if you need to preserve your mental energy.
I would download the paperwork for your parents' home state and go over there with a notary and tell them that if they don't take care of this one piece of very important business that you and your sister will simple keep reporting them to APS whenever they have a problem and will not accompany them to their next ER visit. Eventually they will also be assigned a court-appointed 3rd party guardian and then you and your sister will have no control and no insight into their management and care. If this truth doesn't budge them, then they may be well into cognitive impairment and guardianship may be something you and your sister would consider, if you wish. But there's only 1 other solution to no PoA and no family guardian and it's court-assigned guardianship.
Anyway, all in all this is great to read and I hope you’ll update us again. We learn from each other, for sure.
My sister and I are not totally giving up on them. We will remind them that we are ready and willing to help them make any of these moves to improve their situation if they are willing to do their part too. But otherwise, we are stepping back from trying to save our parents from the consequences of their decisions, or lack thereof.
This doesn’t mean cutting them out. We will still create nice experiences that we can all share. (We’ve had good times amidst the hard times of late.) But it does mean that we aren’t going to engage with them about their anxieties and arguments about this stuff unless they’re willing to work with us to make tangible changes.