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I am sorry for your loss. You're still processing it, and it will take a while for you to grieve and get used to your new reality.

It's mentally, emotionally and, even, physically exhausting. So, take things easy, give yourself time to heal, and accept that things won't improve overnight.

I think it's very normal to second guess yourself, so I would actively think of the ways in which your actions and decisions were made for the right reasons. Perfect doesn't exist, but I'm sure you did your best.

Be kind and patient with yourself. You'll get there.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Condolences for your loss. Yes, fatigue is normal after what you've gone through. Give yourself a break, and if you can, take some time off for yourself. Do things that make you feel good. You should expect grieving to take some time. The after-effects of years of caregiving can be a shock to your system and your mood. You have heroically put your own needs aside to care for someone else. Please don't doubt yourself. There is paperwork and housekeeping to do when someone passes away. You'll have to attend to that. But also find time for self care. Reconnect with friends who you haven't had time to visit with. Treat yourself to activities that you love. Join some groups where you'll possibly make new friends. Or just sleep late and read books you've been wanting to read, watch old movies, decorate for the fall, take a walk in nature...anything you would enjoy. If you've been putting off doctor appointments, please resume them and keep up with your scheduled visits.
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Reply to NancyIS
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One thing that surprised me was the unexpected relief of no longer worrying about my father dying, which he was doing anyway whether I worried or not. Of course there was the grief and the guilt of what if I had done x rather than y, things still weigh on me but we do the best we can. After a cancer diagnosis and covid at the same time it was a tough time but somehow you go forward as there is no choice. I am now dealing with my mom who at 90 is mostly healthy but more needy daily and again the anticipatory grief is there. This forum helped me through a lot during that time and I am back again, it really helps to vent, get input and ideas on a difficult time in life.
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Reply to Cascia
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It's absolutely normal. Caregivers are often unaware of just how much physically, emotionally, and mentally they give to those for whom they care. Your body and mind have probably been in overdrive for the past 4 years and now, they have the opportunity to stop and realize that life has passed them by and you need time to collect yourself and put the pieces back, only with some major changes in the big picture. Give yourself time. Take a long soak in a hot bath or burrow down in the comfort of a nice soft bed. Whatever makes you comfortable and at peace. And, yes, the feelings of guilt and second guessing yourself are normal, too. We are used to having command of the situation, but now....now we have had to bend to the new situation, the loss and finality of death of a LO. Could I have done more? Did I do the right thing when...?
Should I have been more aware? Did I tell them I love them often enough? You can go on and on. Someone else said talking with Grief Couselors, a trusted spiritual person, even writing down your feelings might be a NEED for you. The Hospice team we worked with offered grief counseling, and so did the funeral home. Don't feel bad about needing it. We all need some sort of assistance to get through this loss.
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Reply to MTNester1
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I think first you need to allow your body and mind to heal. That will take time. Forget about picking up the pieces. Just feel what you feel and know that it's all normal. It's not going to be forever. You'll go over and over things in your mind. That's normal. You'll second guess things. That's normal.

The tiredness is your body taking a big, long sigh. Don't expect too much of yourself.

I remember my sister saying to me after my mom died and there was nothing more to do. "you are going to feel at loose ends now, without that constant thought that you need to be doing something" She was right. But it passes.

Be patient and try to relax.
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Reply to Gershun
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Yes..grief makes you very tired. Also you're coming down from all the adrenaline you needed to take care of so many things before. Try the best you can to take care of yourself.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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