What happens when nobody wants the job?

A little more detail would help. Are you living with Mom now? Is it your home or her home? What are Mom's needs? Is there money to hire paid help?

If you're wondering what actually happens in the real world when nobody wants the job, I can tell you that. Somebody takes the job anyway, and it's usually the person who has already stepped up. It's a "Tag, you're it!" or a "Hot potato" situation. It's hard to unwind the situation once it's started, and hard to reverse or change the parent's expectations as well. Generally the uninvolved siblings feel that they dodged a bullet, and they're not about to give up that advantage voluntarily.

If your mother can afford assisted living, then I would scope out nearby places and maybe take her to tour a few. Apart from that, I don't know. More information about your specific situation would be helpful.

I understand your feelings. Taking care of an elderly person is a very difficult and changes your life. My dad who is 90 now lives with us but fortunately my sister will take him for a couple of months. Will your brother or sister agree to taking him/her in for a few weeks just to let you catch your breath and regroup. Your parents are safer with you than an institution. Wishing you the best. Nothing is easy about caring for our elderly but you will know you did the right thing.

With due respect to iknowthetruth, not everyone agrees that our parents are safer with us than in an institution, and not everyone feels that keeping them at home is the only right thing to do. I don't want to start an argument here, but it bothers me to see judgments laid on people's choices, especially by total strangers. And the OP isn't seeking our judgment or our blessings here, just information, as far as I can tell.

My Dad is healthier in the nursing home than he was at his own home. The nursing home makes sure he eats regularly, tests his blood sugar, takes his medication on time, etc. At home - he refused to let my step mom help him with medicine - slept odd hours, ate odd hours and was ill. After he went into the nursing home - he discharged 40 pounds of liquids that were building up, he is stronger, and more cheerful.

If you cannot do it anymore - you can bow out and resume your life- call Area Agency on Aging to let them know vulnerable adult living alone. Do what you want to do for your loved one - but no rule says you have to become a slave or give up your own life to be a martyr.

Cat,

I know I am not cut out for personal care giving, period. Nobody would be happy if I had to care for a parent or anyone else fulltime. My mother knows that and knows that when she can no longer live independently, she will be moving into assisted living. Mum chose the nursing home she would like to live in many years ago.

Mum volunteered with Hospice and friendly visitor's and has been in all the local nursing homes A/L and has no qualms about moving into one when the time is right.

My brother has Dad living with him, db, thinks he can manage having Dad there until the end. Right now Dad is mostly independent, who knows what will happen down the road, but that is there problem.

I am a good organizer, but I am not a care giver.

And I am already having conversations with my kids about the fact that I do not expect them to become my caregivers down the road.

Kimber, totally agree. My mother was healthier in a ANF than shed been in years. Once a parent is in need of trained eyes, a good AL or SNF is much better than amateurs guessing at the right thing to do.

Catmomma, if you didn't exist and your brothers and sister didn't exist, what would your options be then?

Research care options and care facilities in your parent's location and see what services are available.

I can't help feeling that I'm not hearing your whole question. Because the answer I've given isn't anything that isn't obvious... so what are the other factors?

Rash promises to now-deceased other parent?
Guilt?
Tender-heartedness?
Just not knowing where to start?

The long part of the story that's missing is this. I moved in to my mother's house after leaving my husband. My two grown girls came with me. Both are young adults. The girls help me with all of the care I'm providing for both of my parents. My father had an operation and needed physical therapy that he wouldn't allow us to provide, much like kimber's info. He is prideful and stubborn so the hospital arranged for him to have therapy at a nursing home and he's been there for two months now. I still go take things to him, bring him wants and needs and spend time there. I'm unemployed and have all the time to do it all and normally I don't mind. I chalk a lot of this up to they're old and let sh*t go. I care for my mother who's bedridden. She had an accident that left her with a shattered ankle and ended up in bed so long that She's got no muscle left. I got her a standing commode, bedside. Either me or my one of my daughters cleans her potty everyday, brings her meals and drinks and do what she asks. The problem is that now I've met someone new and want to start a life. We're looking for a house. I'm taking both my parents with me and my guy is completely supportive and I can't say enough how great and amazing he is throughout all of this. I know people say amazing and wonderful and use those words so much that they tend to lose the meaning but truly, I tell you he's been my rock through this whole situation. I asked what happens because I feel like if I leave her to figure it out its cruel but honestly this is too much for me. She has become overbearing and controlling since my dad has gone to the rehab home. My mother says things that like I said I let it go most days and think to myself she's old and I know she's miserable in that bed. But every time I leave to look at a house she says I'm gone too long. I got her a wheelchair and we bring it with us and I've taken her with us to see houses and she hates it. She would rather stay home but she wants us all there with her in her house. Yet, I get the it's my house my rules when my girls wear something she doesn't approve of. I'm the youngest of the children and the only one who will speak to her let alone care for her. She's always been so mean and controlling that every one else cut her off. I tell my girls they can't say anything when she says things to them because I know she's old but its starting to take it's toll on them now too.
Now, the money part. I got her a lawyer and sued the guy that hit her and got her $75,000. She's been sending money to my brother down south and probably has about half that left now. I wanted her to buy a modular home on some property for her and my dad because although she owns this home its falling down around her. When I was away and married before she hired some work men to come fix things and they took the money and never came back so she's against hiring anyone else. My girls and I do what we can to fix things but we're not handymen. She gets about four thousand a month coming to her from my dad's military income. I don't tell her what to do with their money. I just care for her as best we can. I take her to all her doctor appointments and do the shopping and cleaning and cooking. We take care of all her pets. She has seven birds large and small. She has four dogs and five cats, and a turtle. I take the animals to the vet, clean up the piss and sh*t daily. I didn't mind and don't mind usually doing it all. The girls and I make it fun. We try to, but she complains about music and she complains and what we wear and she complains if we go out. She won't sleep in her room because she's afraid if there's a a fire she can't make it out of the house so she sleeps in the living room. That makes things weird when my guy comes home from work late and she wakes up and starts yelling. We tried getting a room for awhile on the late nights and she was angry that I was gone overnight. I'm over 18 obviously and should be able to come and go like an adult. We're not talking about coming home drunk. We're talking about coming home at midnight. We offered to buy a chair lift for her to sleep in her own room again but she refused and I think she's scared. I think she doesn't want me to move because she's afraid of losing what control she has left. It's been three years since I left my husband and I met someone right away. I don't think there's anything wrong with me starting a life again new. But my mother has said things about it that I jumped from one man to the next. I don't need that judgement because it's my life. I'm the youngest of her children though and I think that's why she treats me that way. Like I said, I don't mind it most times I guess I've got thick skin as they say. I let most of it go most days but it takes it's toll and I do think about just walking out. I don't want to be cruel but I also can't talk to her about it. If I bring it up she yells at me and calls me disrespectful. I gotta thank her in a way, this whole situation keeps me young. She acts like I'm still a teenager yelling at me and trying to "ground" me. But she's making it hard for me to find a decent house for all of us to live in and I know she's not going to like losing control and I'm afraid of the backlash when I do find a house. I might just walk out if she starts screaming ridiculous like when one of us wears something revealing or god forbid something trashy! :D
I don't want her to lose her house and freedom she has left but I also don't want her controlling mine.

Sounds like you have made yourself and your girls, and soon probably your new guy as well completely subservient to Mom. Other sibs have ditched her because of her rude attitude. Come to find out that after you got her $75,000,she’s given most of it away to one of those who ditched her. She’s verbally abusive, rude, controlling and feels entitled to treat you any way she wants. She won’t meet you even half-way on any suggestions you make. You say you will bring her and Dad with when you move to start your new life with this great guy and continue this unsatisfactory life in a new place.

It is not your life if Mom is living it for you, which she is. She’s also controlling your girls’ lives. If you don’t stand up firmly for yourself, your girls and your guy, you’re condemned to repeat history. If you truly want to change this situation, send a registered letter to your sibs. Tell them you’re done with being an abused caregiver. Give them 90 days to come up with a plan and after that, you and your little family are out. Let them call APS if they want to. No longer you’re responsibility. You can only be abused if you let yourself be.

That is heartbreaking.
We will all be there one day. Terribly sad.

Cat; Have you ever seen a therapist?

So you're buying a house with your new partner, and I assume it's near your parents if you're taking your mother to look at the houses with you. At one point you say you're taking both parents with you (when you move?), but then it seems like you want to get away from your mother's critical and demanding behavior.

It seems to me that your parents can afford paid care and that your mother at least would be medically eligible for a nursing home paid by Medicaid. The fact that she's given money away to your brother would make a Medicaid application problematic, though.

I can certainly understand your siblings not wanting to step up to provide your parents' care. It seems to me that, without the help of your two adult children, you would not be able to do it either. Taking care of a bedridden person is more than a full-time job, and grueling no matter how much you love them and how cooperative and sweet they are.

Do you have POA for your parents? It seems to me critical to stop your mother from gifting money to your brother so her assets can be used for her own care, which she obviously needs.

It's not clear from your post how long this arrangement has been in place and in what order events occurred. Was your mother bedridden when you moved in? Was your father previously taking care of her? When he is released, will he be able to resume taking care of her?

You do deserve your own life, and so do your grown daughters. The current situation seems unsustainable, if only because your daughters are going to launch eventually, and your mother's needs are beyond what one or two people can reasonably provide, even before adding your father into it.

Is there a middle ground possible? Move into a new home with your partner, but manage your mother's care (provided by others with her money) or oversee her placement in assisted living or a nursing home as you do your father's? I think that's what I would be looking to do if I were you.

@Ahmijoy

I want to bring them with me to a new house because in this sh*tty situation with the house falling down around her I believe I can make it better by getting her into a clean and stable environment. Although we clean the house it's small and confined with little space. If I had room I could get her a motorized chair. She had one before but it was used and broke down quick. It's easier to just buy a new one than try to fix the old. By moving them in with me I can offer a place for nurses to come and work with my dad which the veterans affairs offer him but my mom will not let anyone in her house because she's embarrassed to be bedridden. I have to admit that even her doctor wants her to do more for herself but she can't even brush her own hair because she said she has lost the ability to lift her arm that high. You're right about letting myself be abused but I think its a generation gap and I keep that in mind which has kept me here this long. My mother's mother was the same way and unfortunately she never learned HOW to be happy. I found a lot in my life and I'm able to go do or find happy things for myself, she can't. I can't send a letter to my sister she left the state. My one brother lives down south and I've asked him for advice and he says he's busy working or let her just do what she wants. When she refused treatment for kidney stones because she says she can't come out of anesthesia and just wanted to go home and die, he said let her do that. I fought her into getting the lithotripsy and she said rotten things to me for weeks but she's alive! That same brother is the one she sends money to. I asked him to take her and he said he would only IF me and the girls came too. My guy is in NYC and My brother is in Texas so not gonna happen there. My other brother calls to ask when she's going to die because her house is paid for and he's living out of his car and I think waiting like a vulture to come swoop in and try to claim it. It will go to my dad if she passes before he does and he's going to sell it and keep the money but nobody knows that but me since I'm the only one who talks to them. So I can't send any letters. There really is Nobody else, just me. She's lived with me in the past and the power shifted. I don't have house rules or act the way that she does in hers but she also knows she can't impose garbage like that in someone else's home. She will probably always complain about something but that's not the problem it's the abuse.
I asked what happens because recently we witnessed an elderly woman similar to my mother's condition being carried out by her arms kicking and screaming and being put into an ambulance and shortly after that people were cleaning out her house and now it's for rent. We saw all her belongings out for the trash. Obviously they put her somewhere and I don't want that to happen to my mother. Even if she's a sh*tty person to us it's not like she was taught any better. I left when I was younger and got away for a long time and learned the world was different and this way of life was dysfunctional. Like I said I've got enough "happy" I can take her crap most days but if I didn't I wondered if anyone knew where she would end up. The end result might help me decide if I want the job til she's gone or just visit her wherever "they" put her.

@Ahmijoy

I want to bring them with me to a new house because in this sh*tty situation with the house falling down around her I believe I can make it better by getting her into a clean and stable environment. Although we clean the house it's small and confined with little space. If I had room I could get her a motorized chair. She had one before but it was used and broke down quick. It's easier to just buy a new one than try to fix the old. By moving them in with me I can offer a place for nurses to come and work with my dad which the veterans affairs offer him but my mom will not let anyone in her house because she's embarrassed to be bedridden. I have to admit that even her doctor wants her to do more for herself but she can't even brush her own hair because she said she has lost the ability to lift her arm that high. You're right about letting myself be abused but I think its a generation gap and I keep that in mind which has kept me here this long. My mother's mother was the same way and unfortunately she never learned HOW to be happy. I found a lot in my life and I'm able to go do or find happy things for myself, she can't. I can't send a letter to my sister she left the state. My one brother lives down south and I've asked him for advice and he says he's busy working or let her just do what she wants. When she refused treatment for kidney stones because she says she can't come out of anesthesia and just wanted to go home and die, he said let her do that. I fought her into getting the lithotripsy and she said rotten things to me for weeks but she's alive! That same brother is the one she sends money to. I asked him to take her and he said he would only IF me and the girls came too. My guy is in NYC and My brother is in Texas so not gonna happen there. My other brother calls to ask when she's going to die because her house is paid for and he's living out of his car and I think waiting like a vulture to come swoop in and try to claim it. It will go to my dad if she passes before he does and he's going to sell it and keep the money but nobody knows that but me since I'm the only one who talks to them. So I can't send any letters. There really is Nobody else, just me. She's lived with me in the past and the power shifted. I don't have house rules or act the way that she does in hers but she also knows she can't impose garbage like that in someone else's home. She will probably always complain about something but that's not the problem it's the abuse.
I asked what happens because recently we witnessed an elderly woman similar to my mother's condition being carried out by her arms kicking and screaming and being put into an ambulance and shortly after that people were cleaning out her house and now it's for rent. We saw all her belongings out for the trash. Obviously they put her somewhere and I don't want that to happen to my mother. Even if she's a sh*tty person to us it's not like she was taught any better. I left when I was younger and got away for a long time and learned the world was different and this way of life was dysfunctional. Like I said I've got enough "happy" I can take her crap most days but if I didn't I wondered if anyone knew where she would end up. The end result might help me decide if I want the job til she's gone or just visit her wherever "they" put her.

The elderly lady you saw was most likely unable to care for herself and uncooperative with efforts to get her to accept home or Nursing home care. She may have become a ward of the state, or she might have been found legally incompetent and someone, possibly a family member, appointed her guardian. A guardian can force a move.

I'm confused about what you say about your dad not accepting PT that you would provide at home.  Are you a physical therapist?

Your mother sounds as though she has mental health issues. Has she ever been evaluated for those issues?

@barbbrooklyn

Yes. My daughters and I have been to therapy.
@Carla

I think you're right. I think she should go with my dad but that's not going to happen peacefully. Sorry for my double post I'm new. And thank you to every one who has advice. Knowing other people similar to my situation can offer perspective helps.

Cat,
Why do you want to live with someone that gives you so much grief?

Your mom is bedridden and belongs in a facility. Like a previous poster said, your girls are going to make lives of their own one day and your new honey will be working, so are you going to have mom and dad at your new home and you're doing all the caregiving?
I'll give you 3 years before you have a major breakdown, either physical or mental. Then they will have to move.

It seems you want to have them with you (because you feel you should) but you are having trouble coping with them. This is not a healthy situation to start a new life with your wonderful man.

Talk to mom as if YOU were the mother. Tell her you will no longer be able to be her caregiver. Suggest alternatives but have her spend her remaining cash on her own care. She's not going to change her behavior because she'd be in a new house.

Don't you think you - and your girls - have done enough? Especially for someone who doesn't appreciate it? Of course she's scared, she's losing control, but you can't fix that. You're trying - how is that going for you? I can tell you what happened to my cousin, who ran off from her abusive son one night. He had kept her drugged (had taken a pharmacy tech course while living with her in her house, but never worked at it), so everyone thought she had dementia. The police picked her up, put her in a place to be evaluated, and then in an AL. A couple weeks without the drugs and it was discovered that she didn't have dementia at all! How odd! Anyway, she went to court and was ruled a ward of the state, and her son evicted. The house was sold and the proceeds put in an account to pay for the AL; she also got a decent allowance. I kept in touch with her for another year by phone and mail, and she was doing well, until one day her sister called to tell me she had died. I still miss her, but her story ended all right.... not so scary, is it?

@SueC

You're right. I don't know how to even approach the TALK about her living somewhere else. Before I came back I was having problems with my husband at that time and I got a letter in my mailbox from my brother's girlfriend at that time telling me that my father was in the hospital, had a heart attack and I was being asked by his doctors to come say my goodbyes. This is no joke! I called the hospital and they informed me that my father was there but that my mother was keeping all information about him private. My parents divorced years ago but remained friends and live in partners. My life is dysfunctional like I said. But when I called my mother to ask to go see him she informed me that they were married and had all the paper work and said I couldn't see him. I went to the hospital and we all walked the cardiac wing checking rooms til we found him and texted eachother where he was to meet in his room. I had to have my dad tell the doctors they could speak to me about his condition secretly. When I left my ex and went back home it wasn't a welcome party because my mother was very upset that I hadn't spoken to her for so long. That was the norm though. We all went years without speaking and then something would happen and some of us would reunite, the whole family, until something else would happen and we would all break apart again. My mother has mellowed out believe it or not but not much. I guess its just like they say it's amazing what you get used to? I took care of my dad when he came home. Making his meals and making his powdered vitamin drinks and cutting his salt intake. My daughters hooked up his oxygen tank to him and brought in his newspaper to making the coffee and bringing him in his breakfast. He was doing well until he had knee surgery and got sepsis. He was admitted to the hospital and then to the rehab home. He wants to come home but my mother won't let him bring in nurses so he's gotta stay there longer til he can walk better. But I am thinking I will start the talk off with I'm moving out and if you want control you should stay here and hire people or go with my brother and pay him to care for you. I don't ask for money to care for her that's kinda ridiculous to me. My guy is well off and I get money from my ex. I don't know how to tell her to stop spending her money on my brother. My dad tried and she screamed at him to mind his own business. He gives her control over his money but hers isn't his business.....
I could use help in how I'm going to make this talk happen because it seems impossible right now. I think when the time comes I'm going to need to be ready to vacate immediately because that's how I left her the last time. She didn't like that my daughter's boyfriend at the time liked to wear glitter in his hair. She called him a day and I told her she can't speak to someone else's child like that, that I'm responsible for him when he's with me. Its the music mom it's the style and she can't judge. She blew up at me and I just moved out that weekend and left. I didn't speak to my parents for three or four years until I got that letter.

@Mally1

When the girls have had enough they will tell me. We talk about it often and they still feel sorry for her. It's horrible to watch someone struggle to just get out of bed to pee, the whining and the whimpering. The fact that She's a mean old granny is secondary I guess. It's just going to be hard to tell her she can't come when I said I would bring her with me. I honestly do believe that in a different setting some of the problems would be helped. Like I said having a place where nurses can come in would take some strain off me and also when the time comes that either one of them can't continue living with us that the nurses can help us get them somewhere good and I'm not stuck trying to do it on my own. Those are my thoughts though. And I think if I mention her having to go in a home or pay someone that it will end with me just walking out like before.

@Barbbrooklyn

My mother was put in an institution once about four years ago shortly after I left. She threatened suicide at a doctors appointment because he refused to put her on opioid pain relievers for pain in her shoulder. My brother told me at that time he was speaking to her and she called him and asked him to come talk to the doctors for her and tell them she's no danger so they would let her out because my dad wanted to leave her in there lol. I shouldn't laugh but eventually my dad went and got her and she was good for awhile. That experience scared her into behaving. They came in and washed her when she refused to shower and when she refused to get dressed they dressed her. She wasn't allowed to leave and she got scared and begged my dad to come get her out.

Catmomma, just chew this thought over, will you?

Your mother had a nasty ankle fracture. It's healed now, but because it took a long time she lost a good deal of muscle to atrophy through being bedridden. Her doctor thinks she should be doing more for herself and making more effort but she refuses.

You realise, do you, that she only can refuse because you and your daughters make it possible?

Your mother should have had rehab and PT after the fracture. She would not now be bedridden, having to use a commode, becoming more and more disabled and depressed.

If her doctor still thinks she ought to be making more effort, then it isn't too late. Your mother can still benefit from physical and occupational therapy. Her life doesn't need to be effectively over.

But you are getting in the way.

Please tell us...what did the therapist say?

I don't see your new relationship lasting long if you bring your parents to live with you in a new house.

And your brother said he would only take your parents in if YOU and your girls go along. You do realize that is because he expected YOU to do all of the caregiving, right?

Catmomma - if you can possibly arrange it, go back to therapy to work specifically on the issues that keep you tied to your mother despite her nastiness and caring more about her life and her problems than about your own. Setting boundaries is very difficult at first, and parents like yours (and mine!) do all they can to make it impossible. The anger, the guilt-tripping, the pitiful-me crying, the accusations of betrayal, it's hard to see past all that and see the reality for what it is.

Maybe you could make things a little better by bringing your parents to a new home. But then one of them will get sicker, or one of your daughters will move out, or the stress will cause issues between you and your bf, and something else will break. This is a plan that is doomed to fail, IMO. Your life will get squeezed out of you trying to please everybody but yourself. Don't do it. Work your mind around to detaching with love. You can oversee your parents' care without getting yourself, your daughters, and your partner neck-deep in it.

@countrymouse

I did take her to therapy after the accident she didn't like it because she said they expected her to do things she couldn't do before the accident. She has osteoperosis and spinal stenosis. When the physical therapist asked her to pick up marbles with her toes and put them in a jar she told the therapist she didn't have monkey toes like she does. The doctor who set her ankle said she should be up walking however she has to get around but my mother said she felt like she would fall so she doesn't do it. I talked to our family doctor at one of her appointments and asked what else we could do to get her moving and my mom thought it was an attack on her and blew up at me and the doctor and screamed to be taken out to the car. I let the girls do it and I stayed and talked to her doctor and she said she's sound and knows her own mind. She chuckled that She's spoiled.

@CTTN55

My therapist said we should leave her. She said to just nicely tell her that I'm moving out and give her some time to let it sink in show her we are packing and moving things and then don't return. But do it so there's enough time for her to make other arrangements. I can't do that though because there aren't any other people unless professional. And after we saw that woman across the street being drug out of her place I started to wonder if that's going to be my mother. My therapist said nurses should be doing the job that we do for my mom. She won't let them in her house though because the one nurse who did come in to set up the oxygen for my dad focused on the animals. She said it's a full time job for us with just them and didn't the city have a limit on pets. That scared my mom into thinking she was going to call the SPCA so she refused letting anyone else in. She's embarrassed that she uses the potty in the living room. She sleeps there so again that's why I thought moving would change a lot of this.

@Carla
We all got letters after therapy was over saying that we all completed. We talked about how my mother made everyone feel sorry for her. I talked to the girls on the ride home and asked if they thought Mimi could take care of herself and the youngest daughter said she couldn't leave the pets and not know what would happen to them. The dogs all sleep with her. I don't know if I'm allowed to just take them with me or if I have to leave pets we share or since we take care of them anyway can we claim them? We hit a stalemate the last time we fought about me moving and she said you're not taking the bed I bought with you and I came back with that's ok I'll take the one I bought you. I still have the paperwork. I bought her a hospital bed because it's adjustable and memory foam mattress. But I don't like the confrontation. It feels like I'm being a bully when I say anything like that to her even if I'm right and she's wrong or whatever it feels like she's old and I should just let it ride. I guess that's my own issues, feeling pity for her. She was always a fierce woman and now She's old and nobody cares about her. I can see what everyone is saying that she brought it on herself but it still feels wrong to just let her figure it out.

Oh, and about this:

"She has seven birds large and small. She has four dogs and five cats, and a turtle."

How did it happen that two debilitated elderly people, one of whom is bedridden, are living in a small cramped house with four dogs, five cats, seven birds, and a turtle. Are they crazy???? That's a lot of animals for anyone. A lot of money that could be used for your parents' care, and a lot of work to place on the shoulders of caregivers who are there to take care of the disabled humans. I love animals but geez..that menagerie needs to be pared down a bit. A lot, actually. In addition to the expense and the labor, it's unhealthy to live in close quarters with so many animals.

@Carla

I agree with you wholeheartedly. She's always has lots of animals. She did cut back a long time ago. My sister made her take all the other turtles and fish to the river in the spring and set them free. Then they filled her outside pond in with dirt so she couldn't get anymore. But before she couldn't walk she went right out and bought pre forms from Lowe's and stood them up in the yard to one day get more. I've asked her about selling some of the birds but she says she wont. She won't rehome the dogs and I don't think my daughter would either. I have my own cat lady starter pack.
But again this brings me back to my original plan of thinking that if I moved things could change some. Getting out of the small house and into a bigger one with more room so that my parents could have their own space seprate from pets for nurses to come work with them. I looked into hiring a home health attendant after one responder suggested it and I think I can get an adult babysitter on days that I will be gone for long hours to sit with her. You're all very correct that it's a lot of work. And like I said I don't mind most days but its good to hear all this and have a someone else to make suggestions. So thank you all.

Cat, what makes you think that your mom will be any more accepting of a home attendant or nurse in a different house?

I think that you aren't acknowledging the extent of your mom's mental illness and the likelihood that her mental status is only going to decline, going forward.

This is a very hard road. Please continue this discussion here; we all learn from each other!

Catmomma, your mom is a narcissist, please google psychology today, how narcissist really think. You must NOT bring this toxic person into your home, they have the money to pay for care, if your dad doesn't want to remain live in partners, he is financially able to make it where he chooses. She can self pay and the brother she is gifting can deal with her needs until she qualifies for medicaid. I am not trying to be hurtful or mean, take the animals that your daughter wants and call the SPCA, she can't do a thing for those animals herself. Without  your daughters and yourself those poor things will suffer and that is unacceptable, you enable her to be what she is. You said she has always been this way, it will never change, she will start bullying her wishes on all in the house, your home, because she was fine and you made her move. Please rethink having her live with you, you have found a great guy are you really willing to lose him? We all have our breaking points and from what you've said, your mom will push and push until she gets her way, she has no boundaries so do not kid yourself that she will behave more appropriately. She has an excuse or argument for everything and anything that doesn't suit her.

My dad is the same way and quite frankly I never learned, nor do I want to learn how to accept and live in the chaos and hate that these people thrive on, I mean, really who finds name calling and degradation acceptable? You can have empathy, just don't offer your daughters, your BF, your home or yourself as sacrifices to this woman called mom. If she won't accept professional help, she may very well be drug screaming and kicking from an unsafe environment, this would be her doing, not yours. She has trained you well to be her scratching post, please stop the insanity for your daughters sake, show them you can love and help without being devoured, that boundaries are good and that our personal choices have personal consequences and sometimes they are as ugly as the personality that made them.

Sorry I am so long winded, I am literally freaking out that you think you can change your mom, you can't and you and your daughters deserve soooo much better then she will ever give you. She is all she cares about or she would not be bedridden, jump, fetch, carry, you trashy dresser, you owe me, my house my rules, blah, blah blah... That's what she is conditioning you all to get used to, she has shown you who and what she is, BELIEVE HER.

May God give you strength to let her live her life and the courage to live yours without her.

@BarbBrooklyn

I've spoken to her about my dad needing a home attendant and the VA will send a nurse to make sure he takes his medicine regularly and also checks on his health everyday. I told her she could get the same service if she would let people in. She runs things here because this is her house. I know you're right about her maybe having an undiagnosed mental illness but I've dealt with her this way all my life and I know she's just different from the rest of the world. I got saved by leaving when I was younger and getting the chance to meet other people and have different experiences living with other people to see her way of life is not right. But I also see that it's her life and she has the right to live however she wants.
None of her other children want anything to do with her except for my brother in Texas. But he only calls for help, money. He's come up once in like 15+ years to visit and she pays for his hotel stay, dinners for him and his wife and takes them shopping. My mother let my brother come stay with her after he got out of jail and the fence needed to be fixed and he was agreeable but never did the work. She told him to get a job if he wouldn't work for her around the house. She had to take him to all his interviews because she didn't want him to drive her car. And that ended up with her screaming at him that's he's 50+ years old and should be taking care of himself that she doesn't care if he starves. So what I'm getting at is she is mean but she also gives my brothers help. And I feel sorry for her that she helped them and gets no help from them in return. It was getting away and hearing other people explain my mother to me that has given me the strength to deal with her and have consideration for her situation and way of life. Mental illness wasn't addressed back in her time like it is now. Back when she was younger and should have been evaluated and treated it wasn't something they talked about. She was put on antidepressants at one time in her thirties and they made her hallucinate. I think if she was living with me in my home and not hers if something should take a turn for the worst then I could have nurses that care for her help me convince her she needs to be at a facility that can take that on for her.
But me saying to her now, listen, you're mean and rude and I'm leaving and you either go into a home or figure it out but I'm not doing this anymore...the thought of that just doesn't seem right.

@Isthisrealyreal

You're absolutely correct. My therapist did mention narcissist behavior. I reward my girls for all they do for her every day. I spend all my money on them and so does my guy. The youngest got a horse and that's her therapy. I take her to ride and we are looking for a house with land to put him with her in the yard. The oldest goes out and parties with friends and goes shopping and so we all have things to keep us happy but my mom has to lay there miserable in bed. Even if she put herself there I still feel sorry for her. She came from the generation of rules and caring what people think so she never got to just let loose and experience things in life to get happy. She has no hobbies and no friends. This is the mother I was given. My guy is supportive and has said that he's willing to do whatever I want with her. He's super strong mentally and physically. He's ten years younger than I am and he's got it in him to put up with her. Like I said she's tried to keep us apart and keep me from seeing him and I just get rooms or go to NYC. She hates it when I leave so she eased up and let him come to me. He's a first responder in NYC and works six days a week. We stay on the phone constantly while he works. When she's with me she used to complain about it that she has no privacy with me to talk because he can hear everything. But I told her that he pays for my phone bill so that gives him the right to keep me on it as long as he wants. She accepted that reluctantly so because I've managed to get my guy into my life like I want even with her resistance makes me believe that I can make her accept the change after the move. It's either me or a home and I know on some level she must understand that.