I take my mother to multiple doctors many times a month (Mayo Clinic), and one doctor just brought up that my mother always looks to me before she answers any question, and I usually speak for her. She responded to the doctor that I keep track of all her treatments and medical history, and she doesn’t know most of what has been done to her. I also regularly prompt my mother with how she’s described symptoms in the past, so she remembers what she needs to be describing, and I know that looks bad. The doctor said she was concerned about abuse or dementia because my mom wouldn’t speak without my permission.
Anyone ever experience this? How do I maintain my mother’s personal rights when she just trusts me to keep track of every medical thing? This is not the first doctor to show concern that I speak for her.
Doctors are mandated to report abuse. A parent who is hesitant to speak their mind in front of a caregiver may be deaf, demented, abused, confused or something else. The doctor got the question out in the open. S/Didn't make assumptions. S/he asked for your opinion/interpretation about what was going on.
This is a difficult issue. I too have spent my fair share of time making incredulous and horrified faces while mother assured the triage nurse that she was in good health, for example, told the disabled driver's badge people that she could walk a mile uphill, and managed inadvertently to convince a heart failure nurse that she was not significantly affected by her ejection fraction of 18%.
I think both you and your mother have done the important thing, which is to acknowledge the issue, the *potential* for abuse if you control all of your mother's communication. But your mother does rely on you to be her memory, and her doctors need to rely on you for accuracy. All you can do about it, really, is demonstrate that you get the point.
I see where the doctor may be coming from. Can't evaluate a patient if they don't answer the questions. Let Mom answer good or bad and then give your opinion. Or ask to speak to the doctor privately at the end of the appt.
I think some parents are naturally more dependent or deferential than others. My mother speaks for herself, although she's not always completely truthful, and she is somewhat forgetful.
Maybe try prompting your parent when she looks to you for answers, maybe just repeating the doctor's question or rephrasing it. Even though I add to or correct my mother's statements sometimes, I really can't speak for her. She's the one living in her body, so I do sometimes learn new things by listening to what she tells the doctor.
I kept quiet until Dad would look at me, then I'd repeat what the doctor or NP asked or said, sometimes making it a bit clearer if they were speaking in terms I knew Dad wouldn't understand. Eventually, most of them learned to speak louder after several visits.
I don't think it's unusual or indicative of subservience when a parent anticipates that a son or daughter will assist them with answering questions. And I've also seen that some medical personnel will "dumb it down" in anticipation that the elder isn't going to comprehend their level of conversation.
From what I've observed, they're each experienced in elder care in a wide variety of areas and applications. They're intelligent, knowledgeable, compassionate, insightful, and their primary purpose here is to help.
And, their answers are not reactionary.
When wife started showing signs of dementia it took two visits for him to see it and he immediately started the testing and when the results were in he completed the referral to the neurologist and has kept on top of it.
When I was assigned as her guardian I immediately took the order in and ask them to include it in her record. Once the supervising DR read the order and accepted it the only thing that changed was the PA would ask me the questions directly. He did acknowledge the order and said that we now that straightened out.
A few other DRs. staff did insist on wife answering the questions and provide the signature until they realized wife did in fact have a problem and defaulted to me. Most will still ask her a few questions which I feel is their way of tracking her degeneration.
No one has ever suggested any form of abuse and has allowed me to clarify questions or answers.
the doctor is aware and has their best interests in mind.
Wanting to gauge if she'd got better after a nasty infection, I asked my friend J if she could tell me the time - there was a large wall clock in the ward and I wanted to know if she could remember it was there, see it, and tell the time from it. Her daughter instantly chipped in "it's half past three." Great. That shot the fox.
But it is difficult to zip it. To *make* myself -
"Are you having any trouble walking, Mrs H?"
"Oh no, I hold onto things."
"Mmmmmmggggnnnnffffff...!!!!!"
- I cultivated a glazed stare at the ceiling, and crossed my eyes when something mother said was dangerously misleading. This worked pretty well but only because her GP knew the cues. If you never see the same doctor twice it can be more difficult to make it understood that your loved one's answers may need revision...🙄
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