Hello! This is my first post. My MIL recently relocated to a continuing care retirement community near our family. She is 86 and currently in an independent living apartment at the facility. When the topic of her moving to this place near us came up, we naively thought it wouldn’t be a big deal because she has access to so many services and social opportunities at this facility. We figured we would see her once or twice each week and include her in family parties. My husband is one of three siblings, but they live in different states and aren’t around. We have a large family of our own and grandchildren. One of our children is still in high school and lives at home. One is in college and the others are launched but live nearby. We are BUSY! But we love our lives that we have established and we love being active in our community.
I’m struggling personally because my MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”. Even though she has access to help with literally everything, she wants us (usually me) to come and get her and take her to all of her appointments. She wants us to sit in on all of her appointments. Many of which are far away and require all day commitments. She expects to be included in everything we do every single weekend. It’s challenging because her mobility isn’t that great. She is also narcissistic and just a very negative and gossipy person. She constantly inserts her opinion in the way we run our family and digs for information that she then tries to twist. I can handle her in small doses, but the key being small doses. She is always trying to impose her authority over mine with our children and she’s making our family time strained.
When she moved here she immediately latched onto me. She says things like, “I’m so glad you agreed to be my caregiver” but here’s the thing…that NEVER happened. Not once did we ever have a conversation before she moved here that I would be her caregiver. It never occurred to me that this would be her expectation because she’s at a facility that offers so much support. Support that for some reason she doesn’t want to use.
Anyway, I know most of you have it much worse than me, but I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate setting boundaries without her playing the victim card, which she absolutely loves to do. My husband struggles with confrontation, so I really can’t count on him to address things. His strategy is just to avoid. Also, in anticipation for her future needs, I think it’s important to come up with some strategies to manage her expectations.
Thank you in advance for your advice!
All this said, at eighty six years MIL may have serious cognitive impairment and be afraid or embarrassed to be with new people.
Treat this time with kindness and mercy as we all hope we will be treated. Your children are learning from you how to behave when you are elderly. Dr. T Martin.
Your children are learning from you how to behave when you are elderly.
Children learn how what self-respect and self-love means while learning to equally be compassionate and setting boundaries. Learning isn't so clear cut ... it is a process. When a parent feels better about their self, their child/ren will notice and respond accordingly.
And, I appreciate the rest of what you say. Thank you.
We all learn by reading what others write here. Gena
While she will rant and rave and perhaps have a major screaming meltdown ... it is (or will be) what it is. Do you allow yourself to (further) be intimidated by her. Expect her to EXPECT to get her own way and when she doesn't ... Oh Boy... the s--t will hit the fan. Let her do what she needs to do.
Do not buy into it.
And, you DO NOT have to stand or sit there and listen to her rant.
Some family members do not realize they can get up and leave.
You can say "The way you talking to me is unacceptable. I am going to leave now so you have time to cool down."
Oh ... she'll love hearing this and wonder "what's gotten into her???" She might be speechless for the first time in her life as you walk out of her room. Believe me, if you do this a couple of times, she'll change her tune. She has to know that you are serious. Remember ... BACK BONE.
When you expect the ranting, it makes it easier as you're more mentally prepared. However, it is key that you never ever make yourself wrong for SETTING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES. You have a right to your own life, whether she realizes it or not.
This is your husband's mother. Let him deal with her.
If I were you, I would be very clear with her (she won't like it and so what - too bad). Tell her that you never agreed to be her caregiver, driver, etc. She will say "yes you did !" and scream at you...
REALIZE TOO ... when one feels GUILTY, they talk too much. Explain to much.
You do not have to do that. Clearly, simply state your boundaries 'short and sweet.'
Tell her (if you are willing to do), that you will get caregivers in place to 'take her wherever she wants to go" including medical appointments. You can also arrange for volunteers to visit her.
-MIL will likely resist EVERYTHING you do and suggest.
- If I were you, I would tell your husband to make these arrangements.
You've done enough. Put your foot down woman !
- And. . . . Let staff deal with her. This is what they are paid for - and more than that, they are used to this ... they are not triggered as family is.
Be clear on what you want / will do, i.e., how often visiting and for how long per visit? This may be difficult for you since it is new behavior. You might want to work with a therapist to help you get through it. It is really finding a 'new you' inside yourself.
A narcissistic person rants and blames others for the misery and life.
Your job is to find your center, your equanimity, your inner peace of mind.
Check out Rick Hanson Ph.D., brain scientist (Buddha Brain) and Buddhist scholar. Wed nights Zoom 5:45pm. I love him.
Here's a 'stand up for me' (meaning YOU) hug. Remember, BACK BONE.
Gena / Touch Matters
Sit down and speak to your husband first, discuss what YOU will and will not do, then you BOTH go and visit your MIL to discuss what was agreed to by you and your husband.
Unless I'm mistaken, Independent Living facilities do not make nor transport residents to their doctor appointments. I'm gathering she does not drive herself. At 86, she may find she isn't communicating effectively with him/her or having trouble understanding/retaining any info they are telling her.
Since your husband seems to want to avoid looking after his mother and his siblings live out of State, you're it. Of course your busy. I'm guessing you may be in your mid-50's. What "support" services are offered at the Independent Living facility?
As far as your MIL's personality, has she always been a "narcissistic and just a very negative and gossipy person"? I'm thinking she's always been like this. Of course she "latched on" to you because it's ALWAYS the daughters or daughter-in-laws that pick up the caregiving slack, especially when their husbands are avoiders. You need a serious discussion with your husband as he's "avoiding" you, too!
There must have been some discussion between you all when moving her into her assisted living facility. She did not make arrangements and move there on her own. You and your husband were both involved in making these living arrangements for her. Why wouldn't your MIL assume you would be taking her to her doctor appts? You don't work outside the home. To her, in her mind, you are available to do this. There was certainly a breakdown in communication somewhere ("Not once did we ever have a conversation before she moved here that I would be her caregiver."). THAT was the issue. Now, however, you and your husband BOTH have to sit down with your MIL and have this conversation.
Seeing her once or twice a week and inviting her to family parties was a good goal. Because she has a narcissistic personality and "plays the victim", you BOTH will need to be firm, set boundaries and effectively communicate to her exactly what YOU can and cannot do.
Do you want her, as an 86-year old to navigate her healthcare alone? If so, then tell her that. Only you can let someone else take advantage of you. Stick up for yourself with her. AND stick up for yourself with your husband. Tell your husband you're not willing to go to doctor's appts with her. Then HE will have to take off work to take his mother. If he can't or won't do that, are you deciding to be hands-off totally in caring for her? If you think she is capable of handing her own healthcare, then tell her that.
If MIL is in a continuing care community, I'm sure there's a Social Worker there that you and your husband can have a conversation with. They are very familiar with these family dynamic situations. They may have suggestions on how to approach your MIL to get her to accept what "support" services you state are at the facility. Good luck and keep us posted about how you're coping with this situation. Your experiences can help others.
Do not take your m-i-l out of the facility. Not for a month or so, at least. She needs to get used to her new reality. The only appointments you or your husband should ever take her to are essential ones, like when she is really sick and needs to see a doctor quickly.
A regular check up can be done through using some sort of transport service, such as a taxi. If you do too much, then you are actively reducing your m-i-l's independence.
Stop including her in your family activities. Tell her that you need time with your husband and/or children. She had her own family life, it's now time for yours. Include your m-i-l in special times - thanksgiving (if you're American), Christmas (if you celebrate it) Mother's Day (as long as you also have your own time with family for a mother's day celebration), but not all the time.
You just tell her straight, using a kind but firm tone.
My daughter has always told me that her family want to do things just them. The only time I ever get upset by this is when I feel she's going out of her way to explain/make excuses, but I get it and I'm not expecting more of their time, so she doesn't need to tread on eggshells around me.
When I'm elderly I won't expect this to change. I want to stay independent for as long as possible. I hope that my daughter will help me to do that, such as how to make use of available services, but I don't want her to be responsible for my life and happiness. I will never expect her to be at my beck and call.
So, I recommend that you make this change now. Don't wait or feel you should do it gradually. That won't work.
Tell your m-i-l that it's just your immediate family this weekend. Or just tell her you're busy. When she asks for information, be vague. If she insists, either tell her you don't want to be interrogated, or just say, "Sorry, I have to cut this short." Then put the phone down.
Tell your husband this, too. It's the best way to avoid confrontation. And that's another thing, don't argue. Stop any confrontation in its tracks. "We have to go now, Mum" and you leave straight away.
Also, stick to your plan of visiting once and no more than twice a week. Make only one of them a proper visit, with the other one being a flying visit, just to check she has everything she needs.
If you can stick to a routine, with occasional changes, then your m-i-l is likely to get used to the new situation quicker. For example, making Thursday your day for visiting after work. You and your husband visit together, perhaps taking a meal you've prepared or buying a takeaway. Then a quick visit another day to put the week's tablets into a medicine planner box and stay just for a cuppa and small chat. Less than an hour, if possible.
Whatever day you choose to make the regular visiting day, amend it after a month. Say you have something to do that day so you'll visit the day before or after, just for that week. That way, your m-i-l will get used to the fact that there is flexibility in the arrangement. Also, do something extra after a month or so, such as take her out for lunch or take her to a concert (whatever is a nice thing for her and for you), so she knows you still care and will see her outside of your visits, just not all the time.
You have to be strict at first, just like you are with a child so they learn the rules of behaviour, before you can deviate occasionally.
If your children could occasionally visit their grandma (not every week and not for a long time) that would help her to feel included in your family.
You're the visitors, so you make the rules. Don't let your m-i-l dictate how and when she sees you anymore. And don't let anyone interfere in your family life.
Expect some drama but it’s time to establish boundaries with a united front. A candid call to the facility social worker to get everyone on the same page will nudge them to encourage MIL to use the benefits she’s paying for.