Hello! This is my first post. My MIL recently relocated to a continuing care retirement community near our family. She is 86 and currently in an independent living apartment at the facility. When the topic of her moving to this place near us came up, we naively thought it wouldn’t be a big deal because she has access to so many services and social opportunities at this facility. We figured we would see her once or twice each week and include her in family parties. My husband is one of three siblings, but they live in different states and aren’t around. We have a large family of our own and grandchildren. One of our children is still in high school and lives at home. One is in college and the others are launched but live nearby. We are BUSY! But we love our lives that we have established and we love being active in our community.
I’m struggling personally because my MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”. Even though she has access to help with literally everything, she wants us (usually me) to come and get her and take her to all of her appointments. She wants us to sit in on all of her appointments. Many of which are far away and require all day commitments. She expects to be included in everything we do every single weekend. It’s challenging because her mobility isn’t that great. She is also narcissistic and just a very negative and gossipy person. She constantly inserts her opinion in the way we run our family and digs for information that she then tries to twist. I can handle her in small doses, but the key being small doses. She is always trying to impose her authority over mine with our children and she’s making our family time strained.
When she moved here she immediately latched onto me. She says things like, “I’m so glad you agreed to be my caregiver” but here’s the thing…that NEVER happened. Not once did we ever have a conversation before she moved here that I would be her caregiver. It never occurred to me that this would be her expectation because she’s at a facility that offers so much support. Support that for some reason she doesn’t want to use.
Anyway, I know most of you have it much worse than me, but I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate setting boundaries without her playing the victim card, which she absolutely loves to do. My husband struggles with confrontation, so I really can’t count on him to address things. His strategy is just to avoid. Also, in anticipation for her future needs, I think it’s important to come up with some strategies to manage her expectations.
Thank you in advance for your advice!
Well then? Nothing will change,
Your husband is willing to throw you under the bus and have you the mean one, or he’s fine with how things are now. He would rather have peace with Mommy than you.
MIL doesn’t need this talk so much as your husband does.
One of the things that we are encountering is that she calls constantly to see what we are doing and then invites herself. We feel like we have no family time on the weekends because she wants to be included in every activity, even things that are quite burdensome for us. We drop hints, avoid telling her things we are doing, but she just keeps prying until she finds out what we are doing and then asks to join. Just this week she expected for us to drive across town and pick her up to take her to the football game where our daughter cheers. There was a game on Monday and Friday and she expected to go to both games, driving her both ways…and helping her navigate the huge crowd at the games is very hard because her mobility is very unstable and slow. Then on Saturday we had our grandchildren and she wanted us to come get her so she could join us in what we were doing with the grandkids. We ended up just staying home because it’s too much to take her to the types of places the grands want to go. Our youngest grand is a young child and runs all over the place…so managing that while also being patient with my MIL’s slow pace is very hard. As a result, our grands had the most boring time with us that they have ever had. Then today we went shopping with our teen. She called in the middle of the shopping to see where we were and if she could get together with us. I know it’s a holiday weekend, and I know she is lonely, but we really need time as a family just us. I feel like we’ve already done stuff with her, and now we need our own family time.
I agree that we need to just tell her these things, and it ideally needs to be my husband, but I just don’t see that happening. I need to come up with the right verbiage to say that will get the point across without it blowing up.
Again, thank you everyone for all your support. I’m feeling so guilty about all of this, but also just knowing we have to figure something out now.
I always say that PCP/GPs know a little about everything and a lot about nothing. Specialists are needed at times. But once you have seen that specialist and you are stable, a PCP maybe able to maintain the problem. Or once stable you can cut down visits. I did it with my Mom. I don't think a PCP can handle Dementia so a Neurologist is the one Specialist we saw regularly.
If my MIL had said "You are going to be my caregiver" I would have said right then "I don't think so. Thats why your in a Senior community." I too think Mom may be better served in Assisted Living.
Set your boundaries now. Explain that you are busy. You still have a child at home and your involved in other things. I guess husbands still working. You are happy to help him with Mom but in the end, he is her son.
NO is a complete sentence. Appropriate in many instances. And it stops further pressuring.
Tell MIL that you are NOT her caregiver. You are her DIL.
If she wishes to hire a caregiver that is up to her.
You or rather your husband should reinforce this as well.
There also needs to be a discussion as to weather or not your MIL should move to AL that will more fit her needs.
If MIL has the funds hiring a Care Manager might be the perfect thing for her as well as you. The Care Manager can go with her to appointments, sit in on the appointment and take notes, "decode" any medial language and make sure she knows what is going on as well as informing you/your husband as to what is going on.
Your husband needs to step up and do his part in much of this, it is his mother so he should be the Go-To person.
IF you want to do 2 days a month where you take her out make them days that is convenient for you. And make it for a duration that is good for you as well.
In order for her to begin to rely on the support that she has where she lives you need to make sure that you are not the support that she depends on so make yourself less available.
There is no way out of this other than brutal honesty. Narcissists make their way through life trampling over those who are too timid to protect themselves.
I am sorry to say that this is the time for a tough sitdown talk, Have read to hand a list of those she can reach out to, such as Care.Com and etc. So speak with management at her IL place before having "the talk" and be certain you and hubby talk first about terms and limitations, and that he takes the lead in speaking to his mother.
No is a complete sentance. Find resources for rides for her and don't divulge your family plans. Keep directing her to the events within her own IL. Don't give reasons why you can't accommodate her as this will only lead to her negotiating with you. If you/husband are willing, you can make a date with her once a month, but you are not obligated to be her entertainment committee.
Does she in fact have an assigned PoA? If so, is it your husband? Then she is his problem to deal with, no matter if he avoids conflict. He's gonna have to start learning. And, remember that his plans with her are not your plans with her. She doesn't get to manipulate both of your time, and his time with her should not be at a cost toi you or your family.
If she doesn't have a PoA, then your husband should encourage her to do this. In no way should he get enmeshed with someone expecting caregiving with no actual power. She is an "energy vampire" so you need clear and strong boundaries. She won't respect your boundaries so it is all about defending them. Once you do this confidently and consistently she will eventually give up.