My mother recently had a stroke. While in the hospital she was diagnosed with pre-Alzheimer's. She was lucky with the stroke and is doing well. However, she lives out of state on her own as my father passed away two years ago. My sister and I both live out of state. I am with my mother now trying to help and line things up before I have to leave. My sister is living her life and not really present in this. She has three children (in college and high school). I do not have children. I feel she views me not having children as me having time for all of this. Even if I was not here, I still do not think she would be present. She does call my mother and my mother can really see no wrong in her. I worry about leaving my mother. She does not want outside help right now. I cannot communicate with my sister.
Any criticism from you of your sister is not appropriate and is stressful for all concerned. Focus on the job at hand.
Decide on your own boundaries based on your own moral code as it relates to what you will do for your mom. That is the part you can control. That is your business. And, you can always change your mind. You don’t know now how long you can agree to this so you may have to adjust what you are willing to do for now. Be transparent.
Are you your mom’s POA? If not, let her know that if she expects you to do for her she needs to get that done now. No waiting. If I were you I would ask her to put sisters name as second to you in case you can no longer serve. Help her do this before you go home. Sister can always opt out should she still not wish to participate. That will be on her.
Leave your sister out of it but explain to mom that YOU require mom to get her legal affairs in order, see her doctor on a regular basis and get help as needed if she expects you to be her go to.
If you feel you will have a difference of opinion on the “as needed” part, go over IADLs and ADLs with her. The smallest amount of care can make a huge difference up to a point. Like a housekeeper or an aide or home health. Since she has had a stroke she is vulnerable to have another and a routine dr visit will be helpful to make sure she is doing as well as possible.
Personally I would not try to talk her into anything. Just explain what you feel YOU will need in order to do your part. It isn’t the physical labor, although that can sometimes be significant, it is the emotional toll it takes on caregivers. It helps to know you as prepared as much as possible.
Either your mom is competent to make her decisions or she is not. If there is a gray area she should see a neurologist. A person who has had a recent stroke needs some time to recover. I can think of numerous people who fully recovered.
It can be a shock when you feel you are in it alone. You don’t have to be as there are many resources. You don’t mention ages but mom can live a long time so you must pace yourself and plan for your own years ahead.
Know that we often feel grief at this time in our lives as we mourn the lives we all had before and the loss of youth. Be gentle in your grief and don’t let any guilt make your choices for you.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-does-one-do-when-their-3-siblings-who-live-less-then-an-hour-away-dont-make-an-effort-to-visit--499341.htm
Also, I don’t know what “pre-Alzheimer’s” means legally speaking. Maybe mild cognitive impairment? If she hasn’t set up POA and health care proxy already, she may no longer be legally competent to do so.
Let's face it - there is no such thing as Pre-Alzheimers. If you've got it, you've got it, but when you're pre-dead, it can't be pre-diagnosed without examining your brain for tau tangles and amyloid-beta plaques as well as some other stuff.
To OP: As for mom, at some time you have to pivot and weigh what she wants vs. what she needs. Since she's already had a stroke, I'd venture that her thinking and reasoning have probably been affected. It seems likely that she needs what you call "outside help." If she doesn't want it, okay, but then she faces all the ordeals, accidents, new strokes, etc. alone in her home. She won't like that, I assure you. You may have to force the issue and tell her that she's having help whether she likes it or not. (Get POA and MPOA now if you don't have them.) When she refuses, as she will, tell her the alternative is assisted living. She'll refuse that too, at which point you leave and go home. No agonizing, just go. You tried. Then you wait until the next thing happens, which it will. Then she ends up in assisted living, memory care or long-term care anyway. She won't like that either.
There's no great solution.
Mom will now have to live with the decisions she makes, and you'll have to be ok with that.
Your sister has her priorities in order with putting her children and her marriage(if she's married) first, and has made her choice to not get involved.
You are the one who chose to step up and try and help your mom and now you're complaining that sister won't help.
You are only responsible for yourself and only have control over the choices you make, so quit trying to control the choices that your sister has made.
I guess if you give your mom the choice of either in-home care or moving into a facility(where she'll probably end up with her dementia eventually anyway)she may be a bit more open to hiring in-home help for now with her money of course.
I wish you and your mom well in getting her care figured out before you go back home.
Time is of the essence. GET THE POA Done now.
I find that for some reason, one child usually ends up with the job of making or doing more than the other siblings..
In the end, it's an honor, I wouldn't change it.. 😌🙏
Even if that's not the case, what matters is that you don't upend your own life for your mother out of obligation. The most important thing is that your mother give her POA to someone, so that person can help with her decisions. This will become more essential as time goes by and she declines. At a certain point she will not be considered competent to do this, so the sooner, the better.
Don't let your mother make the assumption that because you don't have children, you will be available for her to take over your life as her needs increase. She doesn't want outside help, but that doesn't entitle her to make excessive demands on you. At various points you will probably have to make decisions. Make them carefully, based on reality, not good intentions or wishful thinking.
Now is the time to have a heart to heart with your mother about POA, Medical directives and what her desires for aging are. You can suggest assisted living but without your mothers agreement you cant force her into amything yet.
You need to know your limits of what you can provide with eldercare needs.
I suggest looking for a geriatric care case manager that is local to help coordinate all needed for your mother if she refuses to move into assisted living. This can get pricy, is your mother able to afford this long term? I do not advocate paying for your mothers expenses if she is on a very limited income. And never promise you will not "put her in a home", that is never what anyone wants but may be necessary in the future.
Above all you need to make yourself a priority with mental and physical wellbeing. As a person that is under stress with tending with an declining parent it does take a toll on your health.
If your mother establishes that your sister and you are POA together DO NOT ACCEPT this and politely decline with the notice that you will not provide any caregiving unless you are the only POA. Joint POA should never be a consideration. This may seem harsh but singular POA is hard enough. If you become or are POA it will need to be conducted in a manner very similar to a business plan. Emotions can't lead the way because it will be criticized and critiqued by many outside people who think they know best.
I wish you luck and hope that you remain on the forum. It is a wealth of knowledge.
And in many or most cases including my own, one child (me) steps forward and does 90-100% of the work and the other does little or nothing.
The truth is caregiving is an entirely voluntary choice. Some feel obligated or compassionate or whatever you want to call it. Others do not and nothing you say or do can change it. Everyone has their own circumstances and priorities. Therefore, your only choice is to accept it.
We also frequently hear “I do 99% of the care and yet the house / inheritance is set to be split equally” (again, this is my situation). This is the same “it’s not fair” issue. Again, usually mom and dad make their decisions about their wills and such without regard to caregiving thoughts. And, they legally can’t change their wills once dementia sets in. Plus, all their assets may be spent on care and the house may be sold to pay for assisted living and other care. So again, my recommendation is do what you think is best, but don’t assume anyone else will have the same attitude that you do. And don’t assume you will be “rewarded” for what you choose to do. Sometimes it happens. But it’s not at all a given.
Don't let anger and bitterness eat you up. It changes nothing and makes everything worse.
So, what should you do? Tell mom you know it’s scary and upsetting to face this. But you can’t be her full-time caregiver and sister is also not going to do it. So mom either needs home health aides or to move to assisted living. Tell her to what degree you are willing and able to help arrange these. Hardly anyone wants outside help. That doesn’t mean they don’t need it. Don’t sacrifice your own life.
You have no control over her decisions, only your own.You need to figure out your next steps, minus your sister. Do not have any expectations that she is going to be helping going forward.
Your mother does not want outside help, so that's that. She will need to accept the consequences of that decision. I had a similar situation with my parents who were in their 90s. I had to realize I had no control and needed to accept that they were driving their bus. Eventually they did agree, but they had to arrive at that conclusion on their own.
Maybe at some point you can encourage your mother to move closer to you. Perhaps you should explore some assisted living options near you.
And yes, mothers do have favorites unfortunately. And they usually are the ones who don't help. It is easy to be resentful about it but that's just the way it is. There are lots of posters here who will tell you that.