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My husband and I are the sole caregivers for his mom. She’s 82, has MS, basically bed-bound and has dementia (not sure what stage). We had a rough day with her yesterday, more than usual. She was very confused, argumentative and refused to eat most of the day. We both work from home 4 days a week but starting in July my husband will have to go in 3 days a week. The days when he is not here (she lives with us) can be touch and go, good days, off days. The line between caregiver and son has crossed so far I don’t think it’s healthy. We are working on getting a temporary live in so we can get a few days off but we are so mentally exhausted it’s slow going. He plans on driving back (2hours) from where we plan on staying to go home to check on her and make sure his mom is ok since we won’t know the caregiver more than a day or 2 before we leave. It’s only a short weekend trip. I think his mom will be fine. She gets confused whether we are there or not. I don’t know how to help anymore. We need a break, he needs a break and I love that he loves and cares for her as much as he does but i don’t think it’s healthy.

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I can’t add much to what’s been said except that it sounds like this is going to come down to a conversation between you and your husband where you say, “Honey, we both love your mom, but this arrangement is not sustainable – it’s not good for our marriage or our physical and mental health. Your mother has had a good life, she could live for 10 more years. Let’s at least go visit some facilities where she’ll have round-the-clock care and we can get back to our lives and still visit her.” There are nice ones out there (my mother-in-law was in one for three years before she died and they had a very caring staff). If he says no, and he’s choosing his mother over you, that becomes a different conversation, and you’ll have to think about how you may need to move forward for your own health.
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Your question is “when is it time to move someone into a care facility” yet below in reply to a comment you write your husband would never place his mom in a facility, even for a short respite stay. My guess is, you already know she’s a couple of years past the logical point of placement but you fear raising this with your husband?
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It is time to put someone in care when caring for them in your own home is no longer sustainable for any ONE person. This should be part of an initial care agreement which deliniates all rules of privacy, reassessment, shared living costs and etc.
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Yeah, you probably should have put MIL in a facility about 2 years ago.
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When the family member can no longer walk and becomes bedbound.
When the family member is non verbal most of the time.
When your health is suffering and you have chronic exhaustion.

CONSIDER A WEEK OR TWO RESPITE IN A RESIDENTIAL FACILITY when the two of you take your break. Do not drive back to check on Mom.
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Beethoven13 Jun 14, 2025
Yes, I was thinking the same. This would be a good time to put mother in a respite care facility. She might need memory care or if she has more physical needs like diapers and feeding, a skilled nursing facility. This is your chance to try it. For 10 days or 2 weeks. You will pay out of pocket for this but well worth it. Get her settled in the respite place. Stay local for 2-3 days for husband’s anxiety to stabilize. Go away. Come back to your own home while she’s still there. Experience what your life can be without living with her. Private care at home with 24/7 can work but it really depends on the caregiver and the elder being separate and apart from you and your life. Try the respite option and get away for a few days to recharge and discuss your options.
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When
~ you're too exhausted to do necessary things,
~ your work is impacted (are you there but not there mentally?)
~ you're too tired to rest when a break is offered
~ you feel you're the only one who can care for your loved one but their
needs are more than you're willing to acknowledge

Someone recommended respite care at a facility or try the CT Statewide Respite Program at 1-800-994-9422; that's a very good start. But a MS organization might be able to provide guidance on temporary/permanent placement or in-home care. Trinity Health of New England offers senior living support especially for MS patients: www.trinityhealthofne.org/services/multiple-sclerosis. Why not let those familiar with the condition help?
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Is your husband on board with the idea of placing her? That is step #1– for you and your husband to get on the same page about this.

Yes, I think it’s time. Truthfully, it’s probably past time to place her.
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BurntoutinCT Jun 14, 2025
He’ll never send her to a facility. No one can care for her like he can, even nurses that have come to the house say she gets better care from us than if she went to a care facility. He won’t even consider respite care at a facility. I feel guilty and angry all at the same time.
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What's the point in taking time off if dh is planning to drive 2 hrs back home to check on mom???? Place her in respite care in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for a week while you take a real break. Then place her there permanently because it's past time to do so. I had my mother in Memory Care for just under 3 yrs (and in AL for years before that) and she received great care by "her girls". I was able to be her daughter instead of her burned out and resentful caregiver and she was able to socialize and be cared for by a team of people working 24/7 for her.

Best of luck.
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