This is my first question, and I’d like to start by saying how much I appreciate everyone’s transparency. In two years, this was the first time I actually felt like someone else understood my situation—I found this forum by chance and I’m so grateful.
My father was my mother’s sole caregiver and he died suddenly of a heart attack. I immediately left my dream job, favorite city and beautiful home to care for her. She’s paralyzed from the waist down, and she’s “max assist” meaning she can’t get up on her own. She has a catheter and wears diapers, and when I first arrived we were in the ER every other month. She never took care of herself and gets defensive when people try to help. Caring for her has been exhausting and quite traumatizing for me, and I can see the ways it’s aged me on my face.
I finally decided that it’s simply too much. I worked so hard to leave this abusive family and start my own life, and now I’m back in the very place I left. I’m often complimented on how selfless I am, and how great it is that I care for my mother rather than putting her in a home. But to me those aren’t compliments, because not everyone can uproot their life to care for a parent or loved one. I’m hanging on by a thread myself.
The best part is that my mother has chosen where she wants to be, and she understands how hard it’s been on me. She’s also thanked me for coming here immediately and helping with funeral arrangements, home repairs, and for getting her healthy again. In fact, the doctor once commented how great her blood pressure was—but now MINE is high, and it never was before. Irony. Truly.
SO *deep sigh* my question is—has anyone ever noticed a decline in their own health and chosen to step away from caregiving? Please tell me what your life was like after that. I’m so curious to hear everyone’s stories. Additionally, all of you are amazing, and I’m so glad there is a safe space we can all share with people who actually understand. Thank you so much.
The point of this is that I truly regret moving/uprooting my life in 2014, and helping Mom stay in her apartment for 10 years. She has now moved to a retirement home in another city closer to my sister.
I am free to move on with my life; however, I’m not the same person who blithely skipped down here in 2014. Caregiving/loss of my former identity has had a negative impact on my mental health. I am definitely more anxious although I do daily work on increasing my tolerance for uncertainty. It will be essential for me to manage uncertainty to move back when the market timing is better.
Thank you for asking this question. This is truly a helpful forum.
After they both passed, I started having panic attacks, severe guilt and PTSD symptoms. That was in 2018, and I am still on medication and psychiatric care to keep my mental health issues under control.
I really regret that I waited until I was completely physically and mentally burned out before I sought help for myself. My husband and I went to support groups for Alzheimers but I really needed one on one counseling. But at the time I was so busy and I kept shoving my own needs aside. I encourage everyone who is a caregiver to see a therapist one on one if at all possible and keep regular medical appointments, even if you feel fine at the time. The trauma of caregiving keeps our adrenaline high and we often don't experience symptoms until the crisis phase of caregiving is over. Please make time to look after your physical and mental health now, and be gentle with yourself.