My 85 yr old mother just passed a month ago, but something is haunting me. She was bedridden at the end and had vascular dementia. A few days before she passed, she was being cleaned up by her aide and me. All of a sudden she started screaming that she hated my guts and she was glad I knew it now. Then she screamed, “I hope YOU end up like this!” I was stunned. I am an only child and I loved this woman despite our differences. I keep playing this over and over. It is eating me alive. I don’t want to remember her like that.
It may not have been a great relationship to begin with, but you know what was real.
Keep in mind, she was at a point where she was her most vulnerable, most indignified, most scared, when she screamed out from her fear.
Instead of "remembering her like that", be glad you were there to help in her time of need. She was scared and yelling, but you were there for her all the same.
I remember yelling I hate you! at my mom when I was a teenager because my curfew was earlier than all of my friends. I am sure it hurt her feelings. But I didn't really mean it. I was just mad and a teenager with hormones and brain development and all of that. My mom was the closest target and she was the one I trusted to always be there so she got the brunt of it. Did I know that at the time? No, I learned decades later that is what happens.
Keep in mind, most people didn't seek treatment for mental illnesses back in the day. If your mom is elderly now, she wasn't in a generation that got treatment for things. Even today lots of people are running around untreated. That doesn't mean they should abuse you in any way, just a reminder that there is a lot *you* are not responsible for. You aren't the reason your mom is acting this way. Perhaps if she were in her right mind she would say "I wrote that on that card when you refused to come out of your room when you were 17 because I wouldn't let you bleach your hair and you yelled at me and I was a single mom and worried about money and I thought how much easier life would be if you weren't here. But I didn't really mean it, and I never thought you would see that. I wrote it so I didn't say it."
Maybe she was also always awful, I don't know. But either way, you didn't cause any of it. I hope you can find peace.
Seek some therapy or join a bereavement group. It sounds like you have PTSD. Maybe talking to someone would help you put this in perspective. .
She also sometimes says she thinks my shirt is pretty.
I remind myself that her brain is a physically damaged organ. It's not something she can think with.
To put it bluntly, Mama ain't right.
You were a good daughter and did the best you could. Please do not feel any guilt. Your mother was so lucky to have your love and support.
I put up a wall when I started caring for Mom to get through it without crying all the time. My brothers were not able to help so it was just me with a little help from my DH. I did not grieve for my Mom, pretty much had done that in the last 3 years she was with us. All I could think about was her last years and all the stress it caused. One thing I did not allow was guilt. I did my best with the info I had. I held no grudge against my brothers, who did nothing. Then one day I went on a bus trip a friend put on. There were friends on the bus from High School. One spent a Summer at my house and was there often. She had a difficult homelife and my house became her Sanctuary. She started talking about how good Mom had been to her. I realized then, I had to put those 3 years aside and remember all the good years I had with my Mom which were 83 before the Dementia kicked in. So, think of the good years.
I'm not dwelling on those words and those times anymore because my mother is finally at perfect peace. And I'm finally released from watching and dealing with the agony myself, thank God. I know in my heart that I was a good daughter to her REGARDLESS of what she thought about it. I'm sure you can say the same thing. If so, let go of words that mean nothing now, because you did your best for a mother with dementia. You were a good daughter and if she bore ill will towards you, that was HER problem. Don't make it your problem, you've suffered enough.
Dementia in a parent is a dreadful thing to witness and deal with. Death needs to be the end of the suffering for all involved. I wish you peace and contentment now, knowing you did your very best to care for a very sick woman. She is at peace now, and it's your turn to feel that way too.
You should consider seeing a cognitive therapist. The concentration on this horror of her dying moments, hours, days is something that you are choosing to let be the narrative of a lifetime of connection. This is a terrible and self harming choice. Do know that "complicated grieving" is now a diagnosis under the DSM-5 and there is coverage now under most insurance for treatment. Start with speaking to your MD for a referral to a good COGNITIVE therpist, and meanwhile begin to journal the GOOD memories you have of a history of connection with your mother. Stop your concentration on the negative. Know that your self-talk now is self-harm you cannot afford to overtake your mind. Our minds are very fragile and need and require our care.
I am very sorry for your grief and your pain.
If you loved your mother try to remember what was good about her. If I can make a suggestion to you though. You've lost a lot of loved ones in a short period of time. A bereavement support group can be such a help and comfort to a person. Even an online one.
Like you say, you loved her, despite everything. You were caring for her in the most loving, intimate way a child can at her time of greatest need. I’m sure at the deepest level, beyond the ravages of disease, she knew that.
Definitely seek further help for this aspect of processing your mother’s death if needed. Everything involved with the death of a parent is traumatizing enough, for sure.
Thinking of you.