I had to put my Mother in Assisted Living last week and she is so angry that she says she will never speak to me again. She has a frontal lobe type Dementia and Delusional Disorder. She has sent thousands of dollars to scammers that she thinks are in love with her and want to marry or move in with her. Even after I got guardianship over a year ago and shut down her bank accounts, she sold about 90% of her furniture to send them more money and had recently started another round of going to banks and online to get more money. Her memory is still good and she is still quite intelligent, but her judgement is shot. The only way to stop the scamming was to have her removed from her home and placed in Assisted Living. I had Social Services do this and tried to stay out of it as much as possible. The Facility is over an hour away out in the country. I know this is a huge change for her, but it hurts to hear her anger. Our relationship had been good until about 2 years ago when the scamming started and we found out the diagnosis. I am an only child and have been her only caregiver. She refuses to believe that ANYTHING is wrong with her, just my fault "for taking everything away from her".
I've heard most people say that she will eventually adjust and I can start visiting her. She's been there a week and I have no interest in going to see her until she calms down and is not so angry. Have others dealt with this? And how long has it taken before the anger subsides enough to visit your loved one?
Thanks,
Chris
Me thinks that you are trying too hard.
She has become a recluse and anti-social as the Dementia and Depression have continued. I'm hoping that having other people to talk to instead of being alone most of the time will help her. I live only a mile away but work rotating shifts and only saw her a couple of times a week. Needless to say, our relationship hasn't been the best over the past 2 years. I realize she is sick, but she has continually lied and covered up her scamming and that has made me angry as well.
She covered up what she was doing because it brought her some comfort (also damaging, alas) and she didn't want to stop. Seeing the reason can take some of the worst of the frustration away.
I am sure you are right that daily contact with others could be transformative for her. God willing, there will be individuals she forms a connection with.
Did she ever have any bereavement counselling after the loss of your father? It must have been a dreadful thing for all of you, his dying just as they were embarking on retirement, it seems.
What was her life like before these pond-life tow-rags moved in on her and took advantage? What were her main interests and sources of personal fulfilment? I'm thinking in terms of how her emotional and social needs might start being met to help her settle in.
As far as the diagnosis, it was made my a psychologist at a full-day exam for guardianship. She suspected frontal-lobe dementia and diagnosed Delusional Disorder, which has been the overwhelming issue with my Mother, thinking that the scammers are legitimate men who love her. She talked to 3 different men, telling all of them that she loved them and planning a life with them, and sending thousands of dollars to each. She has sent over $80,000 in all since this started and showed no signs of stopping. That is why I made the decision to get her into Assisted Living. I do have the support of my loving wife and my 2 children.
I do see one big conflict in your description of what's going on. Your mother is mentally ill, you have the formal diagnosis, you have guardianship, it couldn't be any clearer that her understanding is severely impaired. And yet... what are you expecting of her? That she should acknowledge her mental illness, calm down, and accept that the steps you've taken on her behalf are in her best interests. But she can't!
That doesn't make what you and she are going through any less painful. It must be horrible to hear your mother blame you.
How did you go about selecting this facility for her, or did your social work team recommend it as well as handling the operational side of the move? I'm just wondering how much confidence you might have in the facility's support for your mother's mental wellbeing.
It has only been a week. Have you had any contact with her at all? - did you call her and just get your ears bitten off?
BetseyP