My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
My husband would never stick up for me in all the years his mother and step father would verbally abuse me. He would always insist that I was wrong and that she never said anything about me and I hated him for that.
I like to think of myself as a tough woman but it ended up destroying a lot of my self worth after 50 years of it.
If I had to deal with her like you are with your mother then I am sure I would wish she would die. It is the only way your suffering will be over.
I am sorry you have to endure her. Pattylou
and in pain, it would be a blessing for her to go peacefull.
Liked your no nonsense response above. I watched my mom suffer long beyond what she should have and my dad is lingering in memory care as I write.
Out, out brief candle.......Well said.
The only exception to this is when someone ACTS upon their thoughts. When someone can't differentiate between what is real and what is not, then you have delusions and possible psychosis, and all bets are off. As long as you are not acting upon your thoughts in order to harm someone, you're good.
You can care about someone's well being but without actually loving them. You may or may not grieve when someone dies, and that is dependent on your feelings and emotions.
Think about it this way. You can say anything you want to yourself. As long as you don't do something harmful or illegal, no one need be the wiser.
I say stop feeling guilty right now. You own your thoughts. They don't own you.
God Bless all the caregivers out there ❤️
Accusing me of hitting her when it was a gentle tap on the shoulder or shoving her when I'm more than 5 or 10ft across the room.
Always in public for pity party attention and sympathy while I or my mother gets blamed for crap.
I'm with you on the wishing bit... If only to prevent worse health for the rest of us!
I hope while your mother is still here, she won't burden and stress you out too much. Breathe, calm down, or your blood pressure will go through the roof.
You need to grab back your life now. Your late 60s and early 70s are precious - you still have physical energy to do things. This physical energy starts leaching out from mid 70s onwards, however much spinach you eat or Sudoku puzzles you do before breakfast.
Your mother has had wonderful support from you for 5 years - now it is time to delegate. Good luck.
"So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you."
was somehow so reassuring to me because it's almost as if I need some kind of permission to create that emotional distance, which I surely do need. Understanding she won't notice is key, because it alleviates the guilt.
I think it's all part of the acceptance and understanding of what is happening. For example, I will be sitting in my condo consumed with worry/guilt thinking that she is in her condo bored and sad and lonely, and getting angry at me for not being there. Then later come to find she was content (I think anyway) putting around and watching Judge Judy on TV (her favorite show). My mom has always been OCD about keeping her place "perfect". So what used to take her 30 mins to organize/clean/whatever now takes many hours but she still does it. And then she must watch Judge Judy.
Similar to making her bed and doing her make-up. It's like a ritual. She will spend hours to accomplish the task even if she isn't leaving the condo all day and seeing nobody.
BUT (there is always a but) that is just part of the picture. Other days/times her mood swings rapidly and she gets mean and nasty and will just glare at me as if I should be doing something.... but WHAT? The other day she criticized me in a very condescending tone for spending too much time with my husband. I ignored it, but really?? It's rare for me to go more than a day and not spend at least 2-3 hours with her either at her place or mine, plus dinners. I guarantee she would prefer that I was single at age 56 so I could be her "partner" so to speak.
Anyway I have gotten off the topic of this thread so sorry about that, just wanted to say your comments have been helpful. I need to understand things in the way you describe. You seem very wise on this stuff.