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grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had


Wow! those are the words I could not find... I knew I'd been grieving but couldn't put words to it...

Thx!
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Reply to RUKiddinME
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still one of the hardest questions to give an answer to. when my husband was alive i know God truly was giving me everything i needed to keep going. i couldn't have made it without Him. and He still continues to pour out His grace to want to keep going, which by the way is getting a little better each day.
As far as it being wrong to wish someone would die, or as I believe, have a change of address, I don't think so. I knew and still know my husband now is in a wonderful place with our Lord Jesus. If I was unsure of that fact, it would be much different for me. Just know that when it is time for them to go, they will. In the mean time please try not to beat yourself up and feel guilty. God is not mad at you nor has He abandoned you. Just draw off His strength, and try to get some time for yourself. I made many many phone calls and accepted just about anybody's offer that I knew would be ok. And when you are there with him, grab every little positive nugget you can find. It might just be a smile or a laugh they show or do. What ever it might be, just hang on to those moments. You have to try to find those special moments. I really started reading my bible alot more. I don't know your faith, but if you've never picked one up before, now would be a great time to get to know Jesus. It will make a difference as you go through this time. I will be praying for you and know many more are doing the same i am sure. this is a wonderful site, and even though i don't jump in as much as i use to, it truly was a blessing while i was taking care of my darling husband before he got relocated. God Bless you johndublin
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Reply to southernyankee
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I think it is terrible that children have to care for their parents. There must be some assisted living where this poor woman could take her father.
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Reply to Mollie90
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Hi Superdaughter,
You are only human and doing far more than most people could or would. Modern medicine is wonderful if it keeps people alive when they are healthy, but sometimes it interferes with what would have been a peaceful natural death. In this case that may be what happened.

Please don't beat yourself up for your feelings. I don't know what your spiritual background is, but you really are allowed human feelings and that includes your feelings about your father. Guilt isn't necessary.
We are thinking of you,
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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wow, i am identifying with you all... i have my 94 yr old father living with me. serious dementia, totally self centered and badgering constantly. he is incontinent, blind from macular degeneration, cant walk. quite a miserable situation. his internal organs are just fine. no medications. he had an optional bipass surgery at age 84. doctors said he didn't need it but he insisted! now i am afraid he will live forever in this freak like state. to top it off, i really don't like this man at all. he has been a self centered control freak all my life. i wish daily that his life would end soon. i lost my life, and i am only 55. my gentleman friend has not dumped me (and i think most men would run) so that is my only positive. no one wants to change their father's diaper especially a miserable unlikeable one... my biggest struggle is spiritual. i know it is wrong to wish someone to die. i am truly becoming miserable myself
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Reply to superdaughter
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I totally sympathize with all of your emotions and feelings about the suffering of your ill parent. It is, I know from experience, much tougher than raising a child. I will admit that their "death brings light at the end of the tunnel" for you. Nothing can be more enslaving than caring for someone who is obliviouse to your suffering and is cruel to get your attention every moment, because of their suffering.

I have experienced your emotions, anger, and depression at the parents as well as at God for allowing such misery. Frankly, I think it hurts you more when you go through this as an adult than if you do as a child because you are more aware of the plight.

I have already been with what many of you are going through with your parents. Mine have now been diseased since the 1970's. I was a child caregiver with no support whatsoever financially, physically, mentally emotionally. Surprisingly, I made some pretty awesome decisions in helping my parents at home when I was of school age from elementary to highschool. I dare say I was pretty resililent. Depression and anger didn't set in until they were gone. The memories if their herendous suffering hurt me more than the responsibility. But, eventually I did overcome that, too.

Yes, you will need psychological help afterwards as well as for now.
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Reply to Intruder
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No its not wrong. I think with modern medicine elderly people live too long when they are so unhappy and ask all the time "why am I still here?" or "I'm ready to go." My Mom is miserable since my Father died 6 years ago.
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Reply to anonymous203625
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I hope god takes my parents based on their wishes for a quality of life, to live independently and not live in a nursng home. They would prefer to die in their sleep, in their own home and without suffering. That is my hope for them as it is their hope for themselves.
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Reply to Labs4me
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Thank you guys for the support.....I still wished I had not posted this. Sometimes, the depression and wine is a terrible combination. Just reading your posts is making me weepy and I don't like to do that in front of my husband because it makes him cry.

Thank you
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Reply to Photoartc
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Agree internet + booze = explosive combination - but also totally agree with Zoolife. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who sometimes thinks sod it I'll have a glass of wine and then finds that things don't look so much better for it after all…

Also, comfort yourself by thinking of all those people in parallel circumstances who instead of posting have emailed their lover/boss/best friend and hit "reply all" by mistake...
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Photoartc, thank you for your honesty, you've done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of you're just as human as the rest of us. God love ya, I have depression too. You're dealing with so much, it's obvious the love you both have for each other. It's only normal really it is, shows compassion for those who suffer with this horrible disease of dementia to want he suffering to end. I came from the same childhood you did very difficult now I'm left doing the best job I can to care for both parents it's a nightmare however I choose to see it today at least as character building. Your situation is a different intimate being this is your beloved who you watch suffer, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Post here who cares what others think it's not like you're going to see them at the grocery. You need an outlet to grieve! God Bless you on your journey!
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Reply to Zoolife
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Ok, my post above is exactly why you should not drink wine late at night when you are at your lowest and post things on the internet. Does anyone know how to delete a posting on here???
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Reply to Photoartc
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I have a dear friend who has dementia, if i had my way she would die tonight. I know she is not happy. What is the point of living if all good qualities are gone.
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Reply to Mollie90
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I am just going through a major depression right now....I know I need to take some kind of antidepressant but hate the way I feel on them. Hopefully, I will get over myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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I love my husband more than anyone in the world but I can't stand him going through the hell he is going though. He cries every day because he can not remember his friends names or can not communicate with anyone. It is heart benching and the worst thing a couple could ever go through. Honestly, I wish one of us would die and when I say that...it would be so hard on him if I died because he loves me so much and it would be devisating for him with his dementia and, honestly, I think it would be better if he died first. That is not going to happen though because he is a triathlete and has done the ironman 3 times and been so healthy the past 25 years, and in excellent health; except for his mind. I, on the other hand, coming from a tumultuous childhood and prone to self destructive behavior all my life, and only alive today, for him, , will go before him. You do not know the guilt I go through because I am so weak and do not take care of myself for him. I feel like such a failure. He has taken care of me all my life, and now, when he needs me, I am useless. The depression is overwhelming. I hate myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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the question has crossed our minds at one point or another. most of us do not want to admit it.
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Reply to caregiver75104
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(((((Jennifers))))) those are totally normal reactions. Both thinking "when is it going to be over" and feeling guilty are pretty common. and both are OK, We don't know that because people don't talk about such things except in forums like this, in or counselling. etc. Caregiving is a very hard job and takes over your life. I hope you have some help with the caregiving and time to do some things for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Reply to golden23
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My dad just saw the neurologist and he said that he's doing better. Forgive me, God, but I felt "oh, no, when is it going to be over?". Yes, I feel guilty.
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Reply to Jennifers
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Death is part of the life process. We will all die. Watching suffering that cannot be helped in this lifetime is agony and wanting someone you love to be out of pain is never wrong. You have a big heart - no reason for guilt.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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I have cared for my Grandparents and also my Father all of whom I loved dearly... However when you watch someone you love suffering and know that their death is close, I DO not think it is wrong to pray for their death! I know that I will see my Grandparents and my Father in heaven some day when I die. I am now my Mother's primary caregiver and she has dementia. I know that she would love to be in heaven and I know she will be happier. I do believe God is soverign and he decides but I do not think we are wrong to ask. When you love someone you want them to have peace.
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Reply to Jaye
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'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' Matthew somewhere or other, I'm no good at chapter and verse, quoting Jesus Himself. Sherry, what are you worried about being judged for? You are indeed being Jesus in action, so what you said to your mother was both true and comforting - even if you only said it through sheer exasperation at the time! You're a great daughter x
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Its kind of like our Mother constantly all the time would say "Oh Jesus help me" Oh help me please dear sweet Jesus". I finally got so tired of hearing her say that that I looked her right in the face and said " Mother what makes you think Jesus isn't helping you? I'm right here helping you. Can't Jesus Mother be a blessing through your children ??? " Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus dearly but sometimes you just have to look them right in the face and make them face the facts of reality ! That's all I have to say. Please don't judge me.
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Reply to Sherry777
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Belle;

I deeply understand how you feel. Our Dad most of his life was a mean man, mostly verbally. I'm surprised us 5 kids survived the mental cruelty that I wouldn't even do to a dog let alone a human being especially a child growing up. Watching him beat or Mother so many times and us running out of the house. Then when we all grew up and our Mother passed away we were left with the decision. take care of him or not. For years we ALL tried to prove to him how much we loved him but he never believed us. I guess he never did because he was so busy being mean he always thought we were being kind with a plot. His mental illness finally took a toll on ALL 5 of us when he started needing 24 hour care. We ALL agreed to put him in a Nursing Home not too far from where he lived. Two months later at the age of 86 he passed away during the night with not one of his kids by his side. Sounds cruel ? No it wasn't. You see we all took turns visiting him at least 4 to 5 times per week to check on him, spend several hours with him, eat with him, put cigarettes in his mouth and lit them even though he could barely hold them in his mouth. He was demanding up until his death.When he died someone had just been with him the evening before his death. Apparently the Nursing Home when we told them Hospice was called, they quit taking care of him for some reason. I never saw a Hospice person in his room when I visited. When our Mother died we had 24 hour Hospice and were all there when she breathed her last breath because she showed signs of dying. Our Daddy took a turn for the worst. I think myself he had a massive stroke and it killed him in his sleep. Of course since he was so old, no one at the nursing home or Doctor did an autopsy on him . It was like no big deal. I guess it wasn't after all. I know how you feel. God is still healing all of us from our past. GOD IS GOOD !
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Reply to Sherry777
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Oh, darling. You poor love. Are you not so much wishing she would die as wish the misery and suffering would end? I know they have to go together, so this sounds a bit weaselly, but it's the end to suffering you want to happen. I don't see how you could not wish for that. No, it's not wrong. It will be natural to feel relief; only - be careful. Regret won't end when your mother dies, get rid of as much as you can while she's here. Big hug.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Sometimes it just has to be. No one is infallible. What ever the situation is, do not feel guilty. You are only human!
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Reply to Labs4me
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Zoolife, this is just one more example of what I have said many times: there are much worse things than death. Blessings to you and to your parents. Grace~
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Reply to graceterry
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I was just talking to a few friends today about this very subject. My father had a tortured childhood his mother was horrible beat him, belittled him. He grew up angry, insecure, deeply wounded acting out. Married my mom who beat the hell out of me when I was girl when she was so frustrated with my dad his drinking. I acted out as child for attention the reason. I mention all of this because it's history my history it's generational curves we all have them to some degree. When you are this damaged then do not heal up emotionally I believe I'm seeing the misery of my parents lives play out in front of me. They still live with the misery they no longer can get away from themselves. My mother has lost most of her memory good of her, my father still angry bitter, holding on always ready for a fight. The dementia makes it all worse out of control worse. I pity them then other times I feel so sorry for them. They had such full exciting lives not all is lost, now they simply exist without even the memories of any good times. Yes I want them to be at peace it hurts me to see them suffer immobility, pain in their bodies, death is creeping in on them it seems at times then there's reprieve. It's hard to deal with them, but I imagine even harder being them. I pray God will give them peace, either living or seems it will only come in death. In the crossing over I can tell my father is in fear of the crossing, my mother told my years ago she was ready. I love them enough I hate to see them suffering in fear this way where their minds hold them captive, now they are prisoners there in what ever goes on in what's left of their minds!
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Reply to Zoolife
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It is hard to watch someone we love suffer and struggle... Have you talked with anyone at hospice Joanne19335??? I cared for my Father when he had cancer. I do not think the Drs realized how ill he was... He chose not to have chemo we did "comfort care". He looked right at me and said if I am terminal I wish to terminate. I said I know Daddy and you will... He did die peacefully and with dignity.... I miss him EVERY day however I know he is in heaven!
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Reply to Jaye
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Belle, I, too, have thought about this and have asked God to understand. It may sound selfish, but my husband is terminally ill and I want him to go peacefully. Instead, he insists on opting for chemo that is making him very ill. Our oncologist told us that we should "get our affairs in order" rather than live out the rest of our lives this way. Your thoughts are among many that others like me have, and my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most generous human being I've every known. I just want him to die in peace without pain and sickness. You are not alone, Belle.
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Reply to Joanne19335
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according to alice cooper in wicked young man, he never ever sleeps he just lies in his bed wishing for the day when everybodys dead. seems a bit rash but who wants to argue with a crank zombie?
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Reply to anonymous158299
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