Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Some people are naturally doom n gloom people- we had a lady in work like that - as soon as people saw her they would all but run rather than face talking to her. I felt sorry for her and how no one wanted her around and would say to her yes that’s bad but let’s talk about something nice - have you made any special meals this week and divert the conversation
She actually turned out to be a really nice person and didn’t even ignore to her sad talk- it was just talk?
you could say hey mum let’s talk about something nice-the worlds too sad to talk doom and gloom and change the subject or get yourself busy and leave the room and make tea or something
she may get the hint
that said it sounds like you’ve been coping for a long time and reached your threshold of what you can continue coping with/putting up with
time to explore care options
she sounds like she needs full time care now
your visits will be less stressed to her and you will recover from the caring you’ve done and things won’t seem so bad
is it wrong to feel like you are
no
You’re at burnout and had enough
try and get the. Care sorted out before you spoil the relationship you’ve nurtured so well fir such a long time
you need rest- self care
explore all options of help so that you have some me time
best wishes

Reading through so many posts, so many similar, yet also different situations we are all facing.
I'm feeling especially down and defeated the past few weeks. I'm beyond exhausted and cry a lot. My poor mother has lived with me since 2015. She's now 88, was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2013. It's a brutal disease. I've become so angry and impatient, and I can't figure out why? She's not mean, selfish (well not anymore than a small toddler can be), not abusive towards me. She's just confused and scared. She is eating less and less and just losing so much weight. Doctor says her mind will go and body will follow, well I'm watching it. She just wants me - to hold her hand, or hold her like a small child. But I'm so tired, in pain, just sick of the situation, that I can't stand it, until I finally settle down at night and sit next to her. The rest of the day is a blur, cleaning, laundry, etc.
We were best friends my entire life, I'm 63.
I'm sick at heart, having to watch my beautiful, once so vibrant, mother be beaten down by this horrible disease. She's from France, and is tough, born in 36. She's been through hell already! She doesn't deserve this. She raised us, 3 children, pretty much on her own. I owe her my life, I know that. She's extremely intelligent, a Libra, and everyone always loved her.
I get on that pity pot at times, then look at her and hate myself! She's lost everything. Her greatest fear was always alzheimers. She would hate this.
But she still sits on the couch, smiling as she draws on her paper, smiling at the tv, enjoys her ice cream at night, and looks at me like a little girl, with total trust.
So why am I posting this? Because I'm so alone, and so scared. I hate my anger, don't understand it. I love her, why am I so impatient?
Sometimes I do think it would be a relief for her to just go in her sleep. But at night I always say, not yet, I'm not ready to lose her yet. No matter how much it is killing me. I know I'll never be ready to lose her. I'm afraid of what will happen when the time comes.
I have been sole caregiver, 24/7 for 6 years, no help at all. Before when I worked, I paid someone, even my sister, to watch her when I worked. Now there is no one.
I guess I'm just venting. A little afraid doing that, but I'm desperate enough to chance it. Not sure what I'm asking, maybe just for someone to hear me, and understand.
Thanks to anyone who reads and understands.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.

I have the exact situation with my Mother, sometimes it feels like she lives on for spite lol

Best to laugh about the situation, once it’s over everyone will be able to heal once and for all.

Maybe at that time you’ll just remember the good stuff, what there was anyway :)

@mommabeans,
You are an adult.
You are going to have to take responsibility for 50% of this weary battle with your mom.
Sorry, she is old and failing and a pain-in-the-neck, as they say.
But we should/could expect more from you.
You have several time mentioned hatred of your mother.
The best thing to do when we hate someone is to withdraw from their general vicinity. As Burnt says, drop off the diapers. Figuratively and literally. Hatred does no good to change her and hatred eats YOU from the inside out.
As I said, you are responsible for your actions, as an adult.
You will suffer for it if you have hatred for your mother. You will suffer for it even when she is GONE. And then you will wish to tell us all about that, as well, as though we have an answer for hatred.
When there's an answer to hatred I think I will rule the world.

@mommabeans,

You can drop off Moms Depends, and whatever else at the nurse’s office and not even see Mom . They will bring them to her if you tell them you need a break from Mom . I did this. My mother also resorted to sitting at the front door waiting to ambush me with her vitriol and make a scene . I would call the receptionist that sat at the front door . If my mother was sitting there , the receptionist would send someone out to my car to get the things I brought so I didn’t have to come in. This was on and off for a few months until Mom calmed down a bit .

I've commented on this before, but I'm here to say, again I have this wish. I wish and pray that it is soon. I have severe hatred for my mom right now. I can't stand how selfish she is. I want to go back to living my life and taking time for myself when I can get it, without having to deal with her nonsense again, and again and again. If it isn't one problem it's another. She needs cough drops, she needs things she effing has, she broke her glasses, she can't see as well as she used to, she pees 8 times a day, she has diarrhea often, the "working girls" at her AL stole her 2 stained old lady shirts and 2 pairs of 2nd hand elastic waistband jeans, the food is awful, she's a prisoner, the lady that sits next to her at meals is a snob, she can't stand other lady because she laughs a lot and the other residents talk to her. She's lost weight so her clothes are too big but she won't wear anything that isn't a piece of clothing she already owns. Not even if you buy it from a 2nd hand shop. Not even if it's hand me downs. I guess she thinks we can just wave a magic wand and make the clothes she has smaller. The lights in the dining room are too bright. The laundry aide is too fat. The little Asian lady had the nerve to speak to her. She got a 2 dollar bill for her prescriptions and somehow that's a reason to hyperventilate, you name the complaints she's got 'em. The outright lies she says about me on top of it because she's mad that I don't have 24 hours a day to deal with her, I've got my own life, jobs, a house, kids, etc... She's supposed to be who I take care of. Not my kids, not my patients, not myself. Her. If I don't visit for a while, it dies down, but I also have to make sure she has her briefs, shampoo, tooth paste, denture cream, so eventually I HAVE to bring her those things. Then she starts right back up again with the constant "Help me. My life isn't what I want it to be and you have to make it what I want it to be" messages. I can't take it anymore. I want to be done. I'm beyond tired. I've gained 20 lbs in 8 months. I've lost TEETH from clenching my jaw. I'm supposed to be teaching a healthcare class and I blank out mid sentence. I either can't sleep or can't get enough sleep. My body hurts. And she doesn't even live with me, which by the way, is another constant subject that she tries to guilt trip me with. Please God. She is always talking about how she hopes she dies soon, give her her wish! PLEASE!

BelleFleur...Family Love is a hard thing to overcome to save someone in your mother's situation. It is time to get doctors' evaluations and apply for guardianship through the legal system. She is in the hospital...find a way to keep her there or send her for extended rehab until a saving process can be put into place. My sister had some of these symptons but is now in Memory Care and doing a lot better. She swore she would not give up smoking but now has done so. Let medical caregivers do their job if you can make it happen. It may save her life as well as her attitude. Then you can rest!!!

I’ve felt this way about my mother, 76, hoarder, depressed, “symptoms of several personality disorders” per the psych NP mother. I won’t go into the whole bit but it’s in my profile.

Today was a bad day for my father. My husband and I sat in the nursing home with him for an hour. My father did not say two words. Just sat there with a vacant look staring through us. He did not eat the Italian pastry I brought him that has always been his favorite.

I can say yes he should be gone already. No one should linger like this. I hope the end comes soon for both our sakes.

My MIL died one year ago, on the day after Valentine's Day (which is also my DH's birthday).

I was curious as to how DH was handling this 'anniversary' and asked him if he was 'all right'. He said "Yeah, why are you asking?' I reminded him it had been one year since his mom died, and he paused for a nanosecond and said "I am absolutely fine. So glad she's gone. Her last year of life was complete hell on all of us."

And that was it.

I'd written on this forum about her, a lot, and I personally was just fine when she died. One thing that WAS sad was that the mortician who 'laid her out' kept apologizing for how she looked. He said it was impossible to 'arrange' her face in anything remotely looking like a smile. We said "Well, that's exactly how she looked in life, so no worries."

She was a miserable, angry person for all her adult life. Maybe she had some pleasant moments as a child, but you wouldn't have known it.

I, too, have wished my mom would pass away. She is a negative person. Always has been. I’m so glad I’m not a child anymore. She spits hate, sees nothing positive, and is horrible to be around. She requires the TV to be turned up all the way so it’s become my refuge. I don’t have to interact with her when the TV is on. I often ask myself when this will be over and if I recover my life what will that look like? It’s exhausting being a caregiver. Thank you for writing what a lot of us feel.

This is for anyone of this feed. I am very much in your shoes also. I ask myself, why is my Mom, 90, is still with us. How can this be God’s plan. There is no quality of life for my Mom. And it feels like the situation is slowly killing me. Mom is physically healthy but dementia has taken away all her dignity. I am heartbroken, exhausted & yes, I too drink when I never before in my life have. My hubby, almost 74, also has MCI but I make him take Lion’s Mane. I make quilts & that is kind of like my therapy. Prayers to all of you. I pray for my Mom to slip away in her sleep, no pain, no prolonged suffering.

You are at burnout. Its all become just too much and its natural to feel resentful and angry. Try to speak to a counsellor and get those feelings out.
I would make enquiries at the hospital on what services are available to you - that your mother requires a level of care you arent able to give anymore. She needs to go into a care facility. I would have thought the hospial would have suggested that with all of her ailments. Go speak to someone in charge and express your concerns that you cannot cope anymore and can they help find a solution for your mother as she cant return back home - the care isnt available.
You also need to rest and get some me time. Take advantage of that whilst she is in hospital. You cant live on guilt burning yourself out. You need to explore some counselling to get rid of /manage the hurt inside of you so that you can move on with your life in a positive way. Good luck - I wish you well. (time for your life now)

I'll pray that your mothers time is coming to an end soon, if you do the same for me.! My mother never wanted any of us (5 girls/1 boy) but she obviously didn't know about birth control. I live with Mom in her home. My twin sister comes for a few hours Monday thru Friday so I can go to the store or whatever. All I do is roll her ass to the bathroom every 2 hrs to change her diaper. I pray that she will finally drop dead so I can have my life back. This is not the retirement I had in mind for myself. I didn't have children, because I didn't want to be tied down or responsible for anyone else. I thought I would be able to travel, etc. now I'm spending my savings on piss pads for the bed, diapers and wipes. Mom says that I can have my life back after she dies. The problem is she will probably live to be 115 (she's 94 with diabetes, dementia HBP, high cholesterol, arthritis, etc). Complaining about it on this forum helps a little.

My mom is 99 with a rectal prolapse and dementia. I can not find a memory care that will help with managing her prolapse so it has been on my for 3 years. I pray for her to pass every day. I am exhausted

I feel your pain.

I know this is an old post, but it is something that I think every caregiver deals with. I love my husband dearly. Would walk through fire for him.
He has Parkinson's and some LBD. Has been bed bound 2 years. He has no desire to get into his wheelchair in these last 5 months. Too painful for him using hoyer lift. But he has great home care and is otherwise very healthy. No pressure sores or broken skin, and still chews and swallow thoroughly. He has decided no DNR. I am torn between wanting him with me and will keep providing good care with aids and hospice; and knowing that he could live for years like this and having that break my heart.
I am conflicted about what to pray for. It seems like no win situation.

This is exactly how I feel about my Mom. She will be 94 in Jan. I don't feel bad that I hope this will be her last one. Unfortunately, I have the feeling she is going to live to be 115.

12 year old post

I don’t think it is wrong to want the situation to end for both of you! Sadly someone would have to die. Facilities take some pressure off but they have their own set of issues. Monitored care has to be monitored by family. I will say most people do not want to hear us say out loud we want our loved one to die! Best unsaid. In this world we want everyone to live forever…a goal that can not be achieved.. Lots of us will outlive our brain…so so sad!

If she needs more help than yu can offer or provide, you can tell the hospital and her returning to your home is not an option and the hospital can look for a NH for her....it's ok to say...given her medical needs and the needs of myself and my family, i can no longer do both with the degree of care and attention both need, so unfortunately I need to focus on my family and my own health. This persons health can be managed at a nh and you can always visit and be family not a nurse or cna or homemaker for her

I know how you feel! Only you can feel the pain caused by this person! The hatred you get from them makes you feel like an unappreciated person! I am sure that my husband will outlast me because his body is much better than mine! I have taken years of he is such a nice person! The whole time he was rotten to the core and I knew it but my self esteem was suppressed by outside opinions! I wasted my life with him! 55 years later I am pretty much home bound due to physical and financial reasons! I will say that I do hate him and I have every right to! He used me financially, physically, and emotionally! He lied about everything and will die without ever telling the truth! My truth is that no one cares about me and never will! The person that you counted on to be there will never be! We are on our own! Speak up! Tell them the truth, because they really don't care anyhow! Don't keep it inside you because it will only make you sick!

Have you considered Hospice? Anyone can self refer to different hospice agencies. It is a daily benefit under medicare or insurance including a nurse and social worker who can help navigate the system. This does not sound easy but things like falls would get addressed by hospice not in an ER or hospital.

I’m not sure of what faith you have or believe in but it sounds like Prayer may be a help to you! Everyone says write your feelings down but I’m not consistent in that. I’m caring for my mom in law of 43 years who is wanting to go to Heaven. She’s been very kind in her life always helping and positive! She is 86 and last couple of years health has declined. She’s got severe arthritis and has had to have a pacemaker and watchman installed. She has also suffered 2 brain bleeds that she overcame and went on to have a few good years !! She had a hard life growing up but has never complained only Prayed when heaviness was upon her! She asked last week why won’t God bring me home does he not want me? My response was that your mission in life has not ended. Currently she is now just being kept comfortable by hospice in a facility. We have friends family in and out but she does not know any of us just responds by mumbling. We honor her wishes by praying for her to be at peace and to be lead HOME to HEAVEN to her next chapter in life. She is the last sibling of 6 children. With your mom it’s been much harder for you and you just need to be ok to not be ok some days!! If you get down it will help no one!! Take care of yourself pray, take walks just anything that helps you. You did not cause her illness but you are suffering thru it. You sound as if you have done your part so now seek out friends maybe someone you can talk to but you need to not suffer for her making herself miserable. Tell her that you love her and would like to hear her happy memories of her life and you love and care for her but do not become a slave to her and her dependence on you! Set simple ground rules that are kind to her but relieve you! I’m no counselor just a wife mom and daughter so I hope this helps!!! Life is hard but it’s also what we make of it so be kind to yourself!! Find what maybe you have in common a funny movie and popcorn or coffee and puzzle but set ground rules and tell her you feel for her but cannot and will not go on with her attitude! I think if you quit letting her lead you and you take over the reins and tell her what you plan you have and when you are doing it Follow thru with a little self love it will help! Sounds like she has brought you into a depression and anxiety by trying to make you and others sympathetic towards her. Sounds to me as if a little tough love along with strong love and determination may help you both!! Tell her that unless she can find one good thing a day to say that you will not listen to her complain all day! Tell her I love you and enough is enough! Mom today you will find something good to say or to really laugh about and if she does not listen write her a letter and tell her your thoughts. I will PRAY for you and hope you can have a mom that can just appreciate you for you because it sounds like you care greatly!! Please don’t be like her.Say today I start loving and living and tell her hop on the train or get left at the station! I’m sorry so long a response but I hope it helps and I Pray God let’s you be at peace and happy for yourself today. Take baby steps and breathe deep!! Good luck I hope we hear back good news from you!!

My Mother is a Narcissist. She is 86 and its only me now alive to help her, I am 65 and raising grandchildren. She has always been hateful, etc. and has no friends. Multiple health issues and now is accusing me of things that arent true. (dementia) I feel like I will only truly be "free" until she dies. I pray for her to leave this earth. I dont feel guilty about all.

My father took care of my mom with Parkinson's when he was in his 60s and early 70s. When she died he said he was relieved. He remarried and had a very good 2nd marriage. Now I'm responsible for him with his dementia. He is 99. Fortunately, he managed his money so he can be in memory care. I can have a life. But I will be relieved for him and me when he passes. Yes, he's safe and clean, but he's not really "there" anymore.

I feel that way sometimes, and my mom is not anywhere near as bad as yours

My mother also is in late state COPD, has schizophrenia, dementia, blood clots in both her lungs and has an ileostomy bag. All this plus she just lost my dad last year. She has never learned how to make herself happy, choosing instead to rely on others to make her feel secure. Every time I ask her how she is lately she says "terrible."

I have been praying for her to pass for months now. I get it. And it's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. It means you care about her happiness and don't see any other way for her to be happy.

She's on her own journey. Perhaps she still has things to learn and going through this painful experience will bring her some understanding and peace at the very end. You will too.

I'll share a quick story that might help.

My mom hasn't cried in 20 years. Not even when my dad died. She wished she could but because of her medications, and her adeptness at denial, she just couldn't shed a tear. Then last week, after we moved her to a new care facility and she realized she was there for good, she SOBBED. And sobbed. And sobbed. I have never seen her cry like that in my entire life. Something finally broke free and she was able to comprehend her situation and her loss. It was so painful to watch, but it was a necessary part of her journey. I wouldn't be surprised if she passes away soon. It felt that significant.

Be patient. Trust the process. And most importantly, take care of yourself. By witnessing her pain you are learning how important it is for you to focus on your own happiness.

With her health problems if your not certified in how to take care of her mentally and physically then yes you will be living in hell it's like nothing you do is right but everything you try is wrong . With all those medical problems is she on Medicaid if so they will take her in a nursing home where she will get the 24/7 care she will listen to . When a families son or daughter tries to take care of them they will refuse anything because they are your boss not the other way around and mentally it drives them crazy that they raised you and now you basically are taking care of her like a baby because she does nothing . Try getting her on medicaid or in her condition hospice people say hospice is for the ones on there dealth bed but wrong they are not my Aunt has had hospice for two yrs and they are wonderful two times a week for a nurse and and nurses aid will come in three times a week to bathe clean her bed and bathe her in the shower if she can it really helps the family because now someone professional is helping and that can make your mind alot better

I have recently discovered that as the caregiver/go-to-person you could well be suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD). It causes unbearable stress if you have no hope to get away from such a stressful situation.
In the end it is your subconscious that is trying to find a way for you to survive emotionally. And unless you survive emotionally, you become sick physically.
So instead of perhaps starting to think that you are such a terrible person, I would love to recommend watching Tim Fletcher on You Tube.
It is the most helpful thing and a life saver to get you to understand where you yourself are, and why.