Despite all I do to entertain and take care of all her needs, mom's consistently negative and repetitive. Sometimes I yell. Am I abusive?

Don't think we should tell someone they are being abusive if they raise their voice at home to parent, this is a setup for a guilt trip big time, if they are in a hospital or home they are a patient and it is unprofessional to yell at a patient.

Just walk away when you feel you are "losing it". Like the old saying, "Don't give an alcoholic coffee, you will just get a wide-awake drunk!" Meaning: don't pour gasoline on an already burning fire that you cannot put out. Your mom is not being repetitive and negative on purpose. This is the disease process. Just get some needed respite and change your assistants who understand this dementia process. You and they will feel much better. Good luck! And yes, when you are yelling at a dementia patient, you are displaying elder abuse.

Montauck; I know you are not abusive just because you may yell from time to time. I know when my husband was alive and receiving wonderful care, I too got weak and yelled at him. I felt awful, but it was because I was not refueling myself enough with the Lord, and this is so important when we are taking care of our loved ones or even someone elses loved one. Spend some alone time with Jesus, and let Him download His grace and love into you. I promise you will experience an ease and joy in all you do with your mom. I did, and have continued to draw closer to Him. God Bless You Montauck.

Sue,

For some caregivers, I agree with many of your comments. However, many times the aftermath of a "full day" with other unfamilar people/faces (Day care or in-home agency subsituate caregiver) comes back to haunt you, as you can not control their mind, and what goes on in their minds, and/or their thinking about and ask; "why are you putting me here"..and/or "where am I"...and/or simply .."what are you doing to me"..."where do I live".

"Tough love" didn't work for me, rather made things even more difficult to manage..once again, the aftermath of having to "explain and explain" after she returned, and/or after I would return home from a business meeting.

Depending on the stage of Alzheimer's, it is a moving target, and in my opinion, there is a huge difference between applying "tough love" to a healthy child developing cognitve skills, and an elderly parent that is progressively losing their health and their mind/memory. The elderly typcially (depending on the stage) get more fearful and scared..and bouncing them around with new faces and environments simply exasperated the confusion and fear, which in my opinion and experience was was more crewl and disturbing, for my Mother, and for me to see unfold. In addition, it also depends upon any other physical and/or medical issues; diabetes, physical ability to be transported, riding in a bus for some three hours...all of which was scary to my Mother. Notwithstanding, what was the level of medical care at the Day care center? I didn't like what I saw. Nor was I impressed when seeing so many elderly with their heads in their laps..which was in the social/community room..and/or in the pottery room...where no one was present. The presentation was good; there were pretty pictures on all the walls.

I agree with getting Montauk's Mother involved with daily activities, but depending on any other health issues or concerns..and her level of confusion, simply carting one off to the Adult Day Care Center could be the worse thing to do, for all parties concerned. So, could be "tough luck" versus "tough love". Same thing with a in-home health care agency. Different person here next week (they have a high turnover). A different person doesn't provide for any consistency, which at my Mother's state of AZ was extremely important to maintain and/or to "try" and assure "safety and reduce the fears" she was rapidly developing.. as to where she lived..and "how did I get here".

In over nine years of caretaking for my Mother, I experienced just about everything, and as well, with respect to the heathcare community at large. Some healthcare professionals were good, however, many didn't have a clue (rather perscribed one drug after another) and no "hands on experience". Ultimately, it's the caregiver that has to pick up the pieces after a day at the Day Care Center, and/or even after a valued private caregiver's day. In the end, the caregiver has to make the best decisions possible. An alternative is placement...but I would recommend not to be bouncing someone around. (again depending on other medical issues and level of memory loss/confusion)

Make a decision and/or develop a game plan that in your mind is the best for all concerned. Everyone's situation is unique to some degree, or greater degree, and only you can ulitmately (and after consulting with professionals in the know) come to your own conclusions. Your parent / spouse..is unique to you...and no one else.

Lastly, put your arms around yourself. You are doing the best you can. Marco40

In my opinion yelling is not abusive. My father is the same as a difficult 2 year old. I am not going to act like I'm his friend. Distraction does not always work. Sometimes he needs to know things have to be done my way and NOW. When I'm giving him a shower because he just pooped himself, the bed and the bathroom things have to be done my way. He employed yelling quite frequently with me as a child so he understands and responds to yelling. I don't yell when he can't understand or needs to have instructions repeated, only when he's stubborn and uncooperative. I tend to use the method that works and that changes with each situation.
Be patient with yourself. You have a monumental task. Take breaks when you can and don't expect to be perfect. Remember you're doing the best you can and that is waaay better than the alternative. Mom was not a perfect mother either, she did the best she could.

I read all these answers and sympathize. I have had it said to me that I am a 'little short' with mom but I say just wait til you have to do what I do, then say it. There are so many little things she does that challenge my tolerance. It's hard to keep level sometimes and keep going. The heater thing----I have been through it. I have tried the very LARGE sign next to the thermostat but it's almost like she doesn't look at it or ignores it. I find that in general, signs aren't always helpful. I often get the snippy response, "well, I didn't know that"...It doesn't help to confront her with it cause she doesn't understand or know she even does it or will remember. Breath my fellow caregivers. You are not alone. It does help if you can find respite. Not easy if you have siblings close by who are always "busy". Try looking for someone to hire for at least a few hours a week if possible.

FIRST of all..God Bless you for taking on the responsibility of caring for your mother. It is a lot of stress, hard work and awful to see someone you love decline with this disease. My mother was first diagnosed 8 years ago, move in with me 5 years ago. At first it was not bad, she could still get around very well, help me with minor things and was very cooperative. The most annoying thing was the constant repeating and repeating and repeating the same thing over and over. At that time I thought I would never get thru it..but I tell u as time has progressed so has mom's disease. I would take those times back now with a heat beat. I would say this last year and a half mom has just declined rapidly. She went from walking with assistance ( holding on my arm) to walking with a cane, then a walker, then me guiding her with the walker to not being able to stand on her own at all...I have to put a geri belt around her waist when she does use her walker (because I want her to stay mobile as long as possible) and now I have a wheel chair that I use when she gets too winded or weak to walk to the bathroom. Do I get frustrated,,,,angry..overwhelmed...ALL THE TIME..do I loose my temper...yes..do I cry..YES..do I feel like Im going nuts YES,,but then I remember I am human..I am doing the best I can..and I do love my mom. I know she has an attention span of not more than 30 seconds..and doesn't remember anything as fast as I talk to her. Its so frustrating... my problem is that I really miss my mom....the person who raised me..the person who was there for me..the person who I called everyday to talk to...the person who loved my four children..the person who did everything and anything for me...I think I get angry because of that..I want my mother back..why did this happen to her...she was independent..strong..funny..active...why did this happen? So I guess its not my mom but me that needs to work on my frustrations..I started to keep a journal..write down things my mom says..things I feel..emotions..frustrations...I prayer..ALOT....and try to forgive myself for my short comings...I love my mom and I am not perfect. If I get upset..I try to walk away...then come back..thats the only blessing woitrh dementia..she does forget...but then again I have to remember she does have feelings..and emotions..which definitely affect my mom..when Im calm she seems to do everything so much better..when Im upset she falls apart and everthing gets worse. I have hired a caregiver to help me...I work a full time job..which has been stressful..my son was caring for her when I was working..but god..the worse she got....he just couldn't changer her depends, wipe her, shower her...so getting the caregiver was soo good...she helps so much and does take some burden off of my shoulders. I am always looking for new ideas, planning ahead,,and trying to make things just a little easier for myself..because I know this is not a winning battle. Mom is declining and will continue. I just have to keep doing what I can and have to ask for help when I become overwhelmed. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of mom. SO please don't beat yourself up over shortcomings. We all have them and continue to do what we can for as long as we can. Good Luck !! I LOVE THIS WEBSITE..IT HELPS ME TO READ THESE TOPICS AND IT HELPS ME TO RELATE MY EXPEREINCES.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is considered a "childhood disorder" and maybe it's called something else when the person grows up. But from the minute I came across an article on the subject, I knew immediately my mother suffered from it. No, actually, SHE doesn't suffer from it; the rest of us do. If you want to check it out,

Mom now is 94, has dementia and I stay with her. She's quite hard of hearing and refuses to wear a hearing aid so I have to TALK LOUD just for "normal conversation." When the ODD gets added to these conditions, what we have is her pretending not to hear and/or understand and just generally doing what she can to create reactions and upset people. Don't know how my late father stood it all those years. Everything is a game to her and the games all have one rule: YOU LOSE. She's quite persistent in this, pick-pick-picking until she gets a reaction. Then she seems satisfied and eases off.

This is a work in progress for me. Sometimes I lose control and shout and then feel all yucky. But also I sometimes ACT as if I'm angry, just to avoid a lot of idiotic conversation. For example, Mom likes to pretend she must leave and go to her mother's house, talks about Dad as if he is alive, etc. Lately I've had success with saying really loudly and firmly, the minute she begins, DON'T START !!! So in that case, it's a tactic rather than a reaction. I don't get hooked emotionally and Mom toddles off, thinking she upset me.

I'm not saying the original question necessarily infers the mother has ODD, but whatever the cause for the negativity, do you really think it's going to change at this point? Or are you causing yourself unnecessary stress? What if she just does it to get a reaction out of you?

Feeling like the victim of someone else's behavior is no fun. So what I work on every day, all day, is to develop compassionate detachment -- refusing to knee-jerk react, but continuing to provide affectionate care. And the stakes for me are especially high because attaining equanimity is a spiritual goal as well as behavioral.

Giving up impulsive reactions isn't easy and neither is it simple to let go of attachment to a family member and the desire for harmony. Reality seems harsh when it means looking at caregiving as a JOB rather than a relationship. I had to get over the idea that Mom and I would be roomies and bffs. So, LET HER BE and focus on your own mental health.

This all sounds so familiar! Mom will be 93 this July. I will be 65 on Saturday. Started taking care of both parents in 06. Dad passed on a year later. Now it's just me and Mom. She can be so negative. She constantly says she wants to be with here husband. Well he's been gone for six year now, and she refuses to live in the present. All she ever talks about are ' the good old times". She doesn't realize I'm no kid either. To her I am still a teenager. " You have plenty of time to do the things you want!" When I told her our neighbor across the street, had a heart attack. She already has him in his grave! She can never look at the good side of things. I can't even take the dog to the park, without her complaining "did you get lost?" She expects me to sit with her constantly, yet she has nothing to talk about other than her dead friends. She won't read a magazine, or take up any hobby. She only watches her soap operas and complains at the shows I watch. I can't listen to music, because it's "infernal noise". I have to keep all the windows closed, because she's always cold, even though it's 85 in the house! Does any of this ring a bell with you? We are all in this boat together, and hopefully we will find the strength to make it through! Just hang in, and realize things have to get better.

I think one of the hardest parts of caring for an aging parent who is negative (or anyone for that matter) is not REACTING to them. You need to learn to not give away your power. Don't let others steal your joy. Learn to laugh when they say or do something meant to incite you - respond in opposite spirit, if you will.

I guess if you feel you are abusive then you might be. Sounds like you need a break from the caregiving role. Do you have anyone who can assist? Is there an agency that can assist and take off the load? I am suggesting that you take off a couple of weeks or even a month for the day to day. A vacation is good for everyone. Mom will be fine. It is exactly what the doctor ordered!!!
When you go back to caregiving, remember that you mom's negative attitude needs to be checked. She might not know that she is behaving this way so like we had to do with our children re-direct the behavior. One of the best ways to beat this kind of attitude is to get her ivolved in any kinds of activities throughout the day. Have you ever thought of day care where there is lots of things to do and others to be with throughout the day??? Most caregivers say that their loved one wouldn't go to day care. Put that mindset away and don't give in. One thing I always tell caregivers is that you are in charge of the situation and you might have to make some tough decisions--some authors in the field of psychology call it "tough love." I am not a psychologist, but I would suggest that you need as they say "take the bull by the horns" and take the opportunity to help not only yourself in the caregiving role, but also help mom too.
Thanks for all you do for your mom--you are a great daughter.

I am in the same boat. My mother is very negative and pessimistic and it is draining to be around her. She will find something to complain or stress about no matter what is going on. I do lose my temper at times but try to keep the focus on what is happening. If I yell I tell her why I am mad and try to keep it short and sweet. Sometimes it helps me to vent and clear the air, but mostly I just feel bad about it later. She does get the point once in a great while, but mostly it doesn't have any effect. She really is in her own world caught up in her own worries and whatever else is going on in her mind and she doesn't really see past it for the most part. I have to remind myself of that constantly. Give yourself a break, and make sure you get some quality "me" time in to help decompress!

Montauck. Many of your answers, I agree with. It is, without doubt, a difficult situation. However, caregivers are human beings, with most doing the best they can to provide safety and care for their parents. It is mostly unrecognized and non-appreciated by othersides that are not involved, nor have any practical experience...yet they have great advise.

Yes, raising your voice comes from fustration, anxiety, being overwhelmed. My Mother also had macular degeneration in the last many years..and so...I had to remind myself that her confusion was exasberated by the fact she couldn't see. And, her hearing was deterioting, another problem that added to her confusion. I as well had to write things in "LARGE" print, and used other magnifying products. However, when you are in the thick of the storm, it is difficult to gather within your mind all of what may be going on. If it's not one issue, its another that crops up...and you are constantly on the defensive to make things just "ok"..and to get some peace. Sometimes, peace is achieved by our human reaction to simple saying "please stop" and your voice may be elavated for this request.

I ofter found that my changing the subject matter, taking a few minutes to sit down and listen, talk, etc. worked. I ofter simply took my Mother for a ride in the car, and/or in the summer, a wheelchair ride. It was good for her, and for me..just to get some exercise and a change of venue.

Don't get down on yourself. Also, if afordable, try to get other good caregivers to spend time with your Mother, a good story teller type person. Allow someone else to entertain, even if its for only short periods of time. If the connection is a good one, your Mother will look forward to these visits. I found that most good caregivers will come from your personal contacts, via friends, neighbors, church..just keep reaching out. I had little to no success with my only brother and his wife, in my outreach for their help. They had their lives, (as they professed) and it was even hard to get them to call on a consistent basis.

Once again, don't beat yourself up for what you preceive to be mistakes. Not knowing anything more, the stress is "real", and there are few people that can withstand on a continual basis, a high level of stress without reaction. Keep things in check as best you can..and start to reach out for more help. You have to...cause it will only get more troublesome. It's not going away.

Good luck. Marco40

First of all I did not ask to be born, this is a responsibility that they chose not me, it was their duty to provide for me. I do not think of my mother as a child and I find that demeans her, I consider her an adult woman and respect her as one that needs help. I don't baby talk her, I treat her with respect and draw my boundaries clearly. I don't yell at her, yes, I have had an occasional outburst, but I feel more guilty for alot of the things I think. I just start each day anew, it is one day at a time, I treat mom like I'd like to be treated and do the best I can for the day. I do not let my mother call me mom, she needs to maintain whatever autonomy she has left, and I am my own person too.

Yes, sometimes I do "talk very loud" to mom but unless you call her "names" or curse, then no it's not abusive. this is a very simple issue, we all get frustrated with our loved ones w/dementia &, being human, sometimes we yell, or scold. WE're HUMAN. But like I said unless you call her names or curse, then NO it's NOT abuse. Period. Also, in my case mom is very hard of hearing so I will speak loud to her in order NOT to have to repeat myself. Repeating gets VERY tiring...

I have been a Care Giver for my mother the past 3 years. We moved her to an elderly community apartment last year. I am very thankful that this was her decision and allowed me to do what I needed to do for her. At the same time, this wasn't an easy task for either of us. Because I had very good advice from "Aging Care" this move was very successful. I am like many of you. My mother is very much an extrovert. I love my mother so much. I remember all the good times we had together. She has always been a very independent person. Needless to say, I hate seeing my beautiful mother going through the last of her years. This past year it got to the point where I felt she didn't appreciate anything I was doing for her. I too would tell her not to say or do something and she would turn right around and do it. This made me very upset. I told her if she didn't change her ways, I wasn't going to visit or help her any more. Because "Aging Care" was here to help me, I had to realize and accept that I was going to have to change my ways of thinking. I have been told this statement for several years, "One day the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent". Guess what? This is the stage a number of us are going through in life. What it easy for our parents to raise us? They had to work, they had to provide food for us, they had to take us to the Dr., and they provided things for us when we did or didn't need them. What I had to do was to learn how to "play" a different role in my life. Ever since I was told that I need to be a "good little friend" to my mother, we have gotten along so much better with each other. Think of yourself when you were little and you have a very close girlfriend. For example, instead of telling an elder "not to do something", you might say in an innocent and exciting and loving voice "maybe we shouldn't touch the AC and get someone to help us?" Yes, let us do that, ok?
I know it is hard for all of us "Care Givers" to figure all of this out. What we need to try to remember is that our parents are going through the last of their years and they are a "child". What we also need to try to do is remember that one day we "Care Givers" will be in their shoes. Hopefully when we come to this point in our lives, we hope and pray that we will have a loving, kind, and understanding person to help us through the last of our years. Please note that I am not coming down on any "Care Giver" who is going through this time in their life. I am just trying to help and share what I have learned from Aging Care. If you will go to God and ask Him to help you, He might not be available to help you right at that moment but He will help you. My prayers and thoughts are with each of you.

I raise my voice because my MIL is hard of hearing and will not use a hearing aid. So my poor MIL gets "yelled" at all the time. Sounds like most folks do not get the respite they need. My MIL lives alone (not a good idea, but her dr. says she's happiest that way so let her be) But if she should ever live in with us, I will be buying a lot of child proofing items. I know they make a cover for over the thermostats. So lock up everything he/she shouldn't access might be an option.

It is the stress that causes you to give in to your emotions and react instead of respond with your rational mind.

I do it, too. I am always deeply ashamed and SWEAR to myself I WILL NEVER do it again...but my string gets too tight and *shrieking witch* pops into the scene. I would hate her but she is me and I must learn to love all parts of me.
And forgive myself for being human.
And keep on trying to make that vow I try to make a legitimate one...by one day never having to say it again.

I'm not there yet, I don't think...so far I am..but only until the Witch returns.
Keep your fingers crossed she forgot about me.

Even though I hate to admit it, there have been times when I have scolded my FIL like he was a child for doing something particularly stupid or not thinking or being remarkably selfish. I seem to be fine with the wee all over the floor and the whiskers in the basin, and the sh&**y sheets and pyjamas, but its the throwing all the bikes out of the garage in the rain so he can store something "important", or taking all the screw drivers and hording them in his room that seems to throw me. I also have signs up all over the house, which also makes me feel mean, but otherwise he forgets and then breaks things or does something really wierd, like taking my brand new measuring jug to wee in if someone is using the bathroom when he wants to go. (He has a fetish about measuring his wee at the moment)

I have found for me if I use the matron voice then he does what I ask him, but otherwise he just ignores me or openly does the exact opposite of what I have just asked and like the naughty little boy waits to see what I am going to do about it. These days I tend to just ignore it straight back, which is also not a good response. I wish I could be really pollyanna like with him, but this caregiving gig seems to have robbed me of all compassion, and now, like many other people on this site, I have reached that point of just going through the motions because somebody has to.

Hey Montauch and JessieBelle,

Welcome to the Caregiver's Grumpy Gang :D! All kidding aside, I feel your frustration and do empathize. I'm consumed with guilt after I've raised my voice and yelled or scolded my 89 year old mother for doing exactly what you mentioned. Just a quick suggestion for the Heat/AC situation: my mom has some dementia and wet macular degeneration in both eyes, so she's legally blind. But she can see huge print. So I made an 8 1/2" x 11" sign, typing in huge arial font: (color-coded: red for "Heat" and blue for "Cool")
"Push Left HEAT"
"Push Right COOL"
I laminated the sign and used double sticky tape to adhere it to the wall right above the thermostat. She no longer makes that mistake! Yaaaay.
As far as me losing my temper...that's something I have to work on. It's really hard to accept that she's the child now and I'm her "mom". You're absolutely right Jessie - we have to forgive ourselves. We're doing the best (hopefully) we can under extremely stressful conditions. Loving, but difficult.

I know how you feel. I yelled at my mother last night when she turned on the heat for some reason. I wouldn't have yelled, but she complained about being too hot, so I went to turn the AC up, only to see she had switched over to heat. I told her and she said, "Well, you know I don't know how to do that," like a little girl. Tripped my switch and I said, "Well, if you don't know, just leave it alone then." I didn't really yell, but I did speak harshly.

I try to go easy on myself. I put up with a lot and I'm not perfect. Really, I'm amazed that I am not mean more often. I think we have to try to not be harsh, but learn to forgive ourselves for the times we slip. We're only human.