Before I vent here yet again in the support group, I know, I know I've been a member here for many years. Bear with me. I have taken much advice from many wise and knowledgeable women on this site and at times this has been my only unbiased support group I could count on.That being said I'm doing my best not to implode from the stress that is going on with having my Mom placed in long term care. I've traded not being able to care for her alone to selling her house to self pay until that runs out and Medicaid is sought. Me being the fiduary as her POA. I have probably suffered from some form of depression for years and having to deal with real estate contracts and even the process of dealing with the administrative parts of the front office at the facility to go ahead and apply for Medicaid. I feel like I'm being plucked to death from one end to the other. So, I have been docu signing and hand written signatures so much lately my head is spinning.Not to mention contracts falling through with the selling of the house and disappointment after disappointment.I am contacting yet another avenue to help me with all of the legal aspects of managing what I have been trying to do for years. Covering my assets. An Elder Law Attorney. What that means to me is having to stretch my mental health to understand what is happening with dear Mom. I haven't visited with her in over a week. I am seeing a therapist and she is helping me navigate some of this. In the long run, I'm just not seeing the rewards of doing all of this for someone who has manipulated me and verbally abused me in the past, etc., etc. and pretend how much I love her for just being Mom. All the times of her saying this house will be mine one day! If I am repeating that same point, I apologize. I have recently lost a close friend of mine and haven't had time to really mourn her. I just want to go away for a few days even by myself and chill and shut some of this out. I'm not exactly green to dealing with lawyers and even real estate agents but it all stems back to 'saving the house' and it's crazy letting an inanimate thing make you crazy. Doing the same thing and expecting different results, right.Not sure what I'm asking here, if anything. I just need to know I'm doing the right thing and hopefully one day I can put this behind me because I know she will probably outlive me. Even then that might be the only peace of mind I ever get. And no I'm not going to harm myself. Thank you again for reading from an old member of Agingcare. I hate sounding like a defeatist or victim. Ughhh
I do think you should try to “run away” if possible even if just driving to the nearest beach town or resort town with a lake or something like that for a couple of days. Shut out the madness and just relax and do what you want.
Thinking of you!
My mom died about 10 days ago. I was not close to her, but I did my duty over the years, especially in the past three years or so; I would visit her and my sister (closest in geography and emotionally to mom) almost every week.
I didn't have nearly as much work to do for my mom, either while she was alive or since her death, as you have for yours, and still I am exhausted.
I encourage you to get away for a little while. So far, my version of "running away" has been to stay home -- on Saturdays, the day when week in, week out, I'd drive 100 miles to visit my mom and my sister. One of these weekends, I might go on a drive in the opposite direction from where mom lived.
If Mom does not or will not have enough money for her care in LTC, then you need to apply for Medicaid. In my State you should do this 60 to 90 days before the money runs out. I started in mid April with the application. The caseworker gave me a list of things he needed to complete the application. Mom had 20k left. I placed her in LTC on May 1st. Her 20k paid for May and June. By June I had emailed everything needed for the application to the caseworker. I confirmed this with him. July 1st Medicaid started.
Yes, my Mom had a house that was up for sale. It must be sold at Market rate to satisfy Medicaid. If sold while she is on Medicaid, Medicaid stops, your spend down the house proceeds and then go back on Medicaid. Once my Mom was on Medicaid, I stopped paying her taxes, they are high where I live. I unplugged all her appliances. Had one light that came on at dark and went off at 11. I set her heat at 55. I was paying those bills so tried to keep them low. My Moms house did not sell while she was alive. Since she was only on Medicaid for 3 months, she owed them 6k so a lien was placed. With that lien the tax and water liens on the house, I was able to sell it for what I could get as long as I covered the liens which I did. The bills that I paid were reimbursed at the house closing.
You are not responsible to pay anything towards your mothers care. Her house, the realtor is handling the sale. Now, you clean it out, one room at a time. I stared by cleaning out trash first. Each room had 3 piles....keep, throw out and give away. Give away went to thrift shops and friends if they wanted something. I did tackle the kitchen first because of the food.
You have to prioritize. I had a disabled nephew who lived with Mom. He could fend for himself so I was able to put him on the back burner while I concentated on Mom. It has to be done so you just keep going. When its all done it feels so good.
Take this monumental task in very small bites. Stop to rest and regroup. Take that vacation. Mother is where she belongs, cared for by others and safe. You are free to go away if you'd like.
I always said what you said.....my mother is going to outlive me. She recovered from pneumonia 3x, it was like she was invincible. On earth just to persecute me. One day I got a call from the hospice nurse that she'd had "a status change". Meaning she went to bed and was in a semi comatose state, not eating or drinking, etc. I didn't believe it and went to the Memory Care to see for myself. It was true, she was at end of life, at 95+. She died exactly 1 week later. I felt relieved tbh.
Just do what you need to do at your own pace. Hire help. Don't let this kill YOU. You've been a fine daughter to a mother who didn't deserve such devotion. And when she dies, you'll know you did everything in your power to help her live her best life possible. For no reward and for no thanks. Just because it's your nature to be a good person. And you'll feel peace in your heart as a result.
One day at a time, my friend. This too will end.
Then on top of that the financial dept where she is a resident had me signing documents to apply for medicaid right now, this minute because the house hasn't sold as quick as I thought it would (duh me).
I hate the whole hurry up and wait scenario.
We should have applied for the Medicaid as soon as Mom came out of the rehab portion of the facility but technically that didn't happen so I've been signing as POA there also. I know I'm not responsible for her bills and I've spent many a year keeping them as separate as possible. I went through this challenge 3 years ago with the Medicaid application when I 'thought' she needed LTC.She was caught up in that loop. Hospital, rehab, go home get in home care for as long as Medicare was covering her. And on and on.
I haven't been to visit her and she is 'allowing' me not to now because I need to rest and not worry so much.
Snoopy love, it will have to be a drive to the country for me because I already live in a beach town. ;)
I will eat this elephant one bite at the time.
RoseRed I'm sorry for your loss. You can rest easy knowing what you did was from your heart. Your healing can begin. Thinking positive thoughts to you. I am glad also that you found this forum and hope you stay around.
There are no rewards in caregiving. It is just a long hard slog.
You will get through this and it will be ok.