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“I may look like a potato now, but one day I’ll turn into fries and you’ll want me then.”
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:) “The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
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“You can lie down for people to walk on you and they will still complain that you’re not flat enough.”

:) Live your life.
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“They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.”
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:) "My friends are a bad influence...and I would like to thank them for that."
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“Best friends are those who don’t say anything when you show up at their door with a dead body. They just grab a shovel and follow you.”
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“Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”
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“Give up carbs? Over my bread body.”
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“Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.”
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You can't keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you
if you keep giving them a straw.
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:) "I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
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:) "If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth."
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"That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's actually somebody inside."
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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
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A man was dining with an elderly couple was very impressed by the man's terms of endearment to his wife. He said things like, "Thank you, my sweet," "Please, my dear," or "Okay, my beloved."
When the wife went to the kitchen to get dessert, the man turned to his friend. "George, after all these years, it's very touching that you speak so lovingly to your wife.
The old man sighed and shook his head slowly, "It's not that Peter. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I forgot her name years ago."
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Elderly man to his elderly wife:

I’m getting so old that all my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.
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“Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.”
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This crossed my desk today.

"I had eggs for breakfast".
"Scrambled?".
"No, Cadbury"
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That one never gets old Send!
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:) "Best friends listen to what you don't say."
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:) "Dear problems, give me some discount. I am your regular customer."
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:) “Smile! Tomorrow will be worse.”
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:) “Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and didn’t notice.”
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"When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free wifi, just so people will visit more often."
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:) "Keep smiling and one day life will get tired of upsetting you."
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“My goal for 2022 is to accomplish the goals of 2021 which I should have done in 2020 because I made a promise in 2019 which I planned on keeping back in 2018.”
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:) “You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
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“A cop pulled me over and said, ‘Papers’, so I said, ‘Scissors, I win!’ and drove off.”
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“If breathing didn’t come naturally, lazy people wouldn’t even exist.”
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"I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious."
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