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“I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.”
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“My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.”
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“I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that animals in the wild eat their young so they better get their sh*t together.”
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“Who left the bag of idiots open?”
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“I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones…That’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.”
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:) “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”
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“Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.”
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:) “The trouble with living alone is that it’s always my turn to wash the dishes.”
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:) “I am trying to impress myself. I have yet to do it.”
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;) “If you are agitated and confused, my job here is done.”
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“Today will be one of those days when even coffee needs coffee.”
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My Dh and I are very excited!

Our loan has been approved....
and
We are closing.....

On a full tank of gas tomorrow.
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:) "Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down."
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"Freak out and cry a little."
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"Welcome to Monday. In preparation for take-off, please ensure all negative attitudes are stowed."
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An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are all trying to watch a street performer juggle knives. Unfortunately, it's such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly. Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see. As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, "Can you see me now?" The four men reply one after the other, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" "Ja!"
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“My hairstyle today is called ‘I tried’.”
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“Excuse me, which level of hell is this?”
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One from someone who rarely jokes:
What did the llama's cousin say to him about taking a vacation?
Alpaca my bags.
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Did the vicuna like Lleonard?
"Of course, he's my cousin,"
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“I have not yet begun to procrastinate.”
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"It's called karma. And it's pronounced ha - ha - ha - ha."
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“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
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“Don’t mess with me. I know karate, judo, kung fu, and 28 other dangerous words.”
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Bundle, I don't DARE read that "I haven't spoken to my wife in years.. " to my DH. You would hear him roar with laughter from wherever you are!

Thanks for the chuckles 😁
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I'm so glad i made you laugh, beatty :) :).

hugs!!
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:) "At least I'm a fun hot mess. Like a train wreck full of pizza, fireworks and glitter."
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At some point in life it is important to stop arguing with others and just let them be wrong.
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Looking up my car's value on Kelly Blue Book....
One of the parameters were asked: "Is your gas tank full or empty?".

$5.99 / gallon and rising....

Have you seen the announcements about a new VW mini-bus coming in 2024? People are already upset that it doesn't come painted with flowers and a peace sign.
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Pulling into the gas station, the pump was blocked by a car that had flipped over on it's side.

Apparently from a seizure over gas prices. 😵🙃
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