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"Whatever your problem is, the answer is not in the fridge."
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"20% health goddess. 80% cookie monster."
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=====================================

            Minutes of Meeting
____________________________________________

My dad hasn't let his age slow him down one bit.
In fact, he recently appointed three new directors 
to the board: Al Symer, C. Nile, and D. Mensher.
The existing members, Arthur Rytus (who has been
with us for many years), and the Greek ex-pat now 
living in Australia, (Oz) Theo Perosis, welcomed 
them to the team. All applauded our Chairman, 
the decorated hero, General D. Klein, who has 
overseen most innovations within the company 
since its formation in the early eighties.

Duly signed and sealed, on behalf of the bored...

=====================================
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:) “Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.”
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"There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing."
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"First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me."
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“If you’re really a mean person, you’re going to come back as a fly and eat poop.”
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"Dear Lord, Please don't let my husband be home when all my online orders arrive. - Amen."
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"If you don't have anything nice to say you're probably pretty fun to be around."
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"Karma takes too long, so I'm just gonna beat the crap out of you now."
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"Dear God, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn't give me much else to work with."
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"Dear God, Was the flying cockroach absolutely necessary?"
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"My luck is so bad, if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying."
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"Sometimes you're the dog: sometimes you're the hydrant."
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A waiter.

A dog sitting at a restaurant, looking through the menu:

Is the homework fresh?
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“Always look on the bright side. Although it may just be bright because it’s on fire.”
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:) "If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side."
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"KarmaSutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways."
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"Don't forget, you are what you eat."

"I need to eat a skinny person."
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“My doctor asked me if any members of our family suffer from insanity. I said no, we all seem to enjoy it.”
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:) “I learn something new every day. And forget five other things forever.”
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A place for everything and everything all over the place.
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"I don't make mistakes, I date them."
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:) “I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.”
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:) “I’m not frowning, I’m smiling upside down.”
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“I’m smiling, just take the damn picture.”
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“Scientists claim smiling can lengthen your life. Unless that smile belongs to a shark.”
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“I hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t come after a heavy squat day.”
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:) “Do it for the after picture.”
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"At the gym I'm like a ninja. You'll never see me there."
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