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Sometimes I think I'm up a canoe without a paddle.
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An old, blind soldier wanders into a women only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very husky voice the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The soldier thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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cwillie, you made me laugh :).
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“Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants.”
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:) “I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.”
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;) “Ironing boards are surf boards that quit before achieving their dream. Don’t be an ironing board.”
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“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it!”
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“You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.”
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“Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.”
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:) “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
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“If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”
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“You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says, ‘After 300 feet, stop and let me out!’”
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boj,

"You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.”

No, it's okay, it's such a short trip for you! Really, I don't mind! :-)
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You know that you are in need of it when driving when your dash lights up with an image of a hot cup of coffee and asks you do you need a cup?
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Notry.. my new truck does this.. I asked it where the dang coffee maker was!
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:) isthisrealyreal,

good one, but i’m not sure i’d say that to someone. who would you direct that to?

have a great day everyone! :)
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“Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.”
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“I’ll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow.”
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"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well."
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:) "Sometimes the 1st step to forgiveness...is realizing that the other person is completely stupid."
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:) "When someone yells stop, I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers."
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"Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already."
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:) "Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you."
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"I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does."
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Officer:
I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here.

Driver:
I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
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:) "After many years of studying my geography book, I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23."
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Two fish walking on the shore. Ocean behind them.

One fish to another:

Great, now we’re on land! Why won’t you ever ask for directions?
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:) Haha, I’m a man and I also never ask for directions. I wonder what it is about us…
my father neither…
my uncle neither…
my grandfather neither…
my nephews…

Ok, I think you get the point.
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:) “Life is what happens between wifi signals.”
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Poodledoodle, I agree with you. Why should we waste our time stopping to ask directions when we use that time to drive around seeing new, out of the way places?
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