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:) “Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it”
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“If you can’t be smart or funny, be brief.”
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“Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.”
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“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”
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“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for 5 years.”
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:) “Your wit makes others witty.”
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:) “The more I get to know people…The more I realize why Noah only let animals board the ark.”
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:) “A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like here, let me hold that syrup for you, in these convenient boxes.”
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“Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.”
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Doctor writing:

Cause of death:

“Patient laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died.”
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“When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my facebook status just to freak people out. ‘Hey, who knew they’d have wifi up here?’”
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“My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.”
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:) “One day I’ll do amazing things. Today I’ll be satisfied if I don’t spill food on my lap.”
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:) “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
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“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting 3 dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only 2 of them.”
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“Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.”
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“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
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“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I need would’ve thought of that!”
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“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”
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:) “Enjoy your Sunday!…If you feel like doing some work, sit down and…wait until the feeling goes away.”
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"People are making jokes about the apocalypse


Like there's no tomorrow."
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"Have a nice day"?

Don't tell me what to do!
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"Things I have in common with a raccoon. Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, I will fight you, possibly rabid."
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"If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember...No one loves you on the other days of the year either."
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"No I haven't seen your pills...But have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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Dog:

This homework looks hard. Do you want me to eat it?
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:) Haha, Bundle of Joy. And I like your dog joke.

Poodle
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:) "I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts."
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:) "I'm a nurse because even doctors need heroes."
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:) "Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
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