Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
"Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 5."
(2)
Report

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.

I’m self-employed.

We’re having a staff meeting.
(2)
Report

I’m not arguing.

I’m just explaining why I’m right.
(3)
Report

“I asked God to make me a better man.
He sent me my wife.”

(This is so true!)
(6)
Report

“I don’t have ducks in a row.

I have squirrels….and they’re everywhere.”
(4)
Report

:) “This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?”
(1)
Report

“I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 pm on Friday.”
(1)
Report

“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch…I call it lunch.”
(1)
Report

“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”
(1)
Report

“I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.”
(2)
Report

"Monday? I told you to f*ck off last week."
(1)
Report

"Of course it's Monday. This isn't my Friday face."
(2)
Report

:) "Hello Monday. Let's do this."
(1)
Report

:) "On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday on Earth."
(2)
Report

:) hi! for people who know me (bundle of joy) in real life...
they all know that i'm a terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible cook (was that enough r's?). i just want to kindly eliminate doubt.

-my dogs know it
-my cats know it
-my friends know it
-i lived in many countries (every country i lived in, knows it)
-i don't know it

anywayyyy, i want to point out the positive:

"Many have eaten my cooking and gone on to lead normal lives."
(4)
Report

:) "Don't be afraid to take whisks."
(1)
Report

"I read recipes in the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
(3)
Report

:) "After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relatives."
(1)
Report

:) "I love pizza so much that even when I eat pizza, I want pizza."
(1)
Report

:) "Keep a fork with you at all times, just in case cake happens."
(1)
Report

:) "Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal."
(1)
Report

I want to come over for dinner, Bundle of Joy.

But I’ll cook.

Poodle
(2)
Report

:) haha ok. wise, very wise.
(1)
Report

:) "Does running away from Monday count as cardio?"
(1)
Report

:) "My week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday."
(3)
Report

:) "I'd rather walk on sunshine than on eggshells."
(2)
Report

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."
(2)
Report

"Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people."
(1)
Report

“There are two kinds of people: (1) Happy morning people. (2) Cranky morning people who fantasize about killing the morning people.”
(1)
Report

A dog with a big smile:

:) Hi! My name is Stopthat. Sometimes they call me Getbackhere.
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter