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“I like long walks. Especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.”
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Two friends outside. One is holding up a big sign, “TAKE ME!”

She explains:

In this economy, alien abduction is the only vacation I can afford.
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Doctor explains to patient:

When we cut you open, your insides were a mess. So we rearranged your organs to maximize your feng shui.
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Young son: Why did God create women with two breasts? One would have been enough.

Dad: no answer
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"A friend will be there with tissues...But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat, shouting, 'Who hurt you and do I need a shovel?'"
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"They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius."
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“A virgin getting pregnant, I can believe. But three wise men?”
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“For some reason, everything is funnier if you’re not allowed to laugh.”
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:) “If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.”
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:) “My entire life can be summed up in one sentence…‘Well, that didn’t f*cking go as planned.’”
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“There’s only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don’t want two of you around.”
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:) “Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.”
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This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
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:) "Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen."
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"Calories (noun). Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night."
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:) "In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I'm right."
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:) “The older I get, the meaner I get. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before I start biting people.”
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Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
Scott Adams
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“I hate to cancel. I know we made plans to get together tonight, but that was two hours ago. I was younger then, and full of hope.”
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"Today I found out that if you treat others the way they treat you...They seem to get very upset."
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"I NEED A HUGe amount of money."
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"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
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"If you need anything from me, reconsider."
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"I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I have it down. I'm good at depression."
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"Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance...The 5 stages of waking up."
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:) "Always listen to your dog."
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"I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I heard they have to pick up food they drop on the floor."
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:) "If you want to make enemies, try to change something."
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:) "All great changes are preceded by chaos."
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:) "Life is like underwear, change is good."
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