mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize."
"You never know what you have, until you clean your closet."
"What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."
"How do trees access the internet? They log in."
"Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing."
"How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."
"Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted."
"Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake."
"Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad."
🙂 "Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?"
🙂 "My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop."
"Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control."
“Everyone runs around trying to find a place where they still serve breakfast because eating breakfast, even if it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon, is a sign that the day has just begun and good things can still happen.”
“If you look upon ham and eggs and lust, you have already committed breakfast in your heart.”
“No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for Before Coffee.”
"So you're staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations! You've become a house cat."
"I wonder how many calories people burn by jumping to conclusions?"
"Dear Mom, if all of my friends decided to jump off a cliff, that would be my idea. Sincerely, your child is a leader, not a follower."
"I doubt vodka is the answer but it’s worth a shot.”
“I just want my cat’s confidence.”
“Life happens. Pizza helps.”
“Less drama. More pizza.”
“I wonder if pizza thinks about me too.”
🙂 “Surround yourself with pizza, not negativity.”
“Never sit around and wait for someone unless they’re delivering a pizza.”
“Worry less and eat more pizza.”
“If pizza can’t fix it, it’s a serious problem.”
“Keep your friends close, and your pizza closer.”
“In pizza we crust.”
🙂 “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about finding pizza.”
“When life gives you pizza, eat it quickly before anyone realizes you have it.”
“This must be love at first slice.”
“Do good. Be nice. Order pizza. Repeat.”
🙂
“I think my soulmate might be carbs.”
“You complEAT me.”
🙂 “Donut worry, be happy.”
“Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night.”
❤️ 🙂🙂 “My brain said ‘crunches’, but my stomach auto-corrected it to ‘cupcakes’.”
“When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once."
"Until further notice celebrate everything."
"Never stop showing someone how much they mean to you."
true story...
"I'm not even on drugs, I'm just weird." 🙂
"Celebrate how far you've come today." 🙂
"God proved two things when he brought us together: his genius and his sense of humour." ❤️
It's only 5 a.m. so I am going back to sleep now to celebrate.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
🙂 “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”
“How to please a woman:
-love her
-die for her
-take her to dinner
-miss the game for her
-buy her jewelry
-be interested in what she has to say
How to please a man:
-show up naked”
———
“Woman’s Guide to Love and Relationships:
1. find a man who makes you laugh
2. find a man who has a good job and can cook
3. find a man who is honest
4. find a man who will pamper you with gifts
5. find a man who is awesome in bed
6. most of all - it is VERY important - that these five men never meet!”
——
🙂 “No woman has ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes.”
“D.I.E.T…..Did I Eat That?”
“You only live once…lick the bowl!”
“If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner.”
"Everyone has photographic memory, some just don’t have the film."
"How do you make a lawyer smile for a photo? Say "fees!""
🙂 🙂 “A body smiles, like, 72 times a day. Where does that smile go? That’s what I want to know.”
🙂 "Every smile makes you a minute younger."
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
"If you smile when no one is around, you really mean it."
Me: I wanna go on a diet.
Food: Hahahaha no.
“If you decorate your problem, you might not want to get rid of it.”
“Facebook. Because time isn’t going to kill itself.”
“I want to pause adulting and lower the difficulty.”
“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”
“Parenting hack. There are no hacks. Everything is hard. These kids don’t listen. This is your life now. Godspeed.”
“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”
🙂 “Lots of problems begin with citing wikipedia.”
"For the sake of Information Security, everything on my resume is false."
"Information Security is a big deal at my office so sometimes we have to communicate in code. We have 37 different symbols for the word 'jerk'."
"I'm applying for the Information Security position. Here is a copy of my resume, encoded, encrypted and shredded."
"The boss is worried about Information Security, so he sends his messages one alphabet letter at a time in random sequence."
"For security purposes, the information should make no sense at all to spies and hackers. We'll bring in someone later to figure out what you meant."
"Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there."
"Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush."
"Find someone who makes you laugh in public...And scream in bed."
"Have you ever looked at someone and thought..."Yep...you have a person locked in your basement.""
After returning to bed, I found a blotch of fresh blood soaking through to the mattress pad. Source unknown!
Hubs had to help me pull off the sheets, and was none too happy.
Still looking for the source.
Is this the way it happens? A slow aging decline, then all of a sudden, a bloody crisis? Am I going to die, I was thinking.
Oh, there is my new Red marking pen, cap off....
Laundry at 3 a.m., but it is not going to help.
That was a whole lot of red, on my Macy's Christmas sheets.