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Coworker: I don't want to do this work, I'm still tired from all the cross-fit this morning

Me: They're called croissants. And no wonder, I saw you eat at least 4.
(5)
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The inventor of "auto-correct" has died.

The funnel will be tomato.
(6)
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Dear Autocorrect,


That's not what I meant to say and I'm getting real tired of your shirt.
(7)
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That last joke was not corrected, it was deleted.
(0)
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❤️ 🙂 "Will someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?”

🙂 "It’s been the worst day since yesterday.”

🙂 "The Monday-est Wednesday ever.”

🙂 “I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word ‘premeditated’ gets thrown around in the courtroom.”
(1)
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❤️ 🙂 "Laundry today or naked tomorrow.”
(1)
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❤️ 🙂 "I’m getting dirty looks from my laundry again.”

“Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.”

"As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂 "I run away from my problem. Actually, that’s my main problem.”

"Irony (noun). Drawing trees on paper.”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂 

X: I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you.
Y: Is that you or the liquor talking?
X: It's me, talking to the liquor.

——
Dog speaking to his owner: Something happened in the kitchen and…I love you so much.

——
🙂 “I love you because you’re almost exactly like me, and I’m the best.”
(1)
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❤️ 🙂 "Hey, I can see my sanity from here! No wait, it’s just a rock.”

"Lost my mood ring. Not sure how I feel about it.”
(3)
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❤️ 🙂 "People are making Apocalypse Jokes like there’s no tomorrow.”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂 "My fiancé just told me he has feelings for someone he met at work this week...He's been working from home."

"It's either me or my home...It seems both of us can't look good at the same time."

🙂 "Don’t rush me, I’m waiting for the last minute.”
(3)
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❤️ 🙂 "Just another day in paradise, minus that whole, you know, paradise thing!”
(6)
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❤️ 🙂 "Perks of being my friend. You'll be the normal one."
(4)
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🙂 Boss to employee:

I’m tired of arguing with auto-correct. We’re having your name legally changed to Sandcastle Watermelon.
(5)
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❤️ 🙂

“Auto-correct can go straight to he’ll.”
(5)
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Wii try to post
(1)
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Save a lot of gasoline , Hihi
How do you do that, Haha
driving half the time
going twice as fast, Hihi
(2)
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❤️ 🙂

“I hope the guy who invented auto-correct burns in hello!"

“I'm very good at seeing an opportunity after it has ceased to be one.”

🙂 “Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.”
(3)
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😳 “Whoever said out of sight out of mind never had a spider disappear in their room."
(4)
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❤️ 🙂

“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee."

"A day without coffee is like...Just kidding, I have no idea."

"All things are possible with coffee and mascara."

"A poem about work: Coffee, Blah blah blah, Drive home, Wine."

🙂 "I'm so altruistic. I snack so my kitchen doesn't get lonely in between meals."

"Went outdoors. It was cold. There were people. 0 stars. Do not recommend."
(3)
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😳 “Some people say their body is a temple…mine is a bouncy castle.”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂

“If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there."
(3)
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❤️ 🙂

“If you want to go running with me, you’d better be prepared to walk a lot.”
(3)
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❤️ 🙂

“Life is short. Run the race. Get the medal. Eat the free banana.”

“I thought they said RUM.”

🙂 “I run better than the government.”
(1)
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❤️ 🙂

“If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me."
(3)
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❤️ 🙂 “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking."
(wise proverb)

"Walking to the fridge to get a snack."
(bundle of joy quote)
(1)
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true story. just happened to me.

😢 "Sadness (noun). When you go to the fridge, look inside, then leave the kitchen empty-handed."
(1)
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I use to be undecisive... But now I'm not so sure... 🥴
(4)
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😇 “The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what's inside."
(2)
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