mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"If you saw a man drowning and you could either save him or photograph the event...what kind of film would you use?"
"Never give up, no matter how much ‘you gotta be friggin’ kidding me!’ life throws at you!”
🙂 “Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”
😇 “When I die I want my last words to be, ‘I left a million dollars under the…’”
“Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.”
🙂 “I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I’m officially a cereal killer.”
If you saw a man drowning, would you save him or photograph...what type of film would you use...
What is film??
don't worry, it's just a joke/quote.
here, definition of film:
a thin flexible strip of plastic or other material coated with light-sensitive emulsion for exposure in a camera, used to produce photographs.
"Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"When a character does something really stupid or embarrassing, I have to close the book and breathe for a second because I can feel their embarrassment."
🙂 and another joke about drowning:
Q: What's worse than a biscuit drowning in the tea?
A: The second biscuit on a rescue mission drowns, too.
"We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't auto-correct."
"Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library."
"Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads."
🙂 "Inner peace: don't leave home without it."
"One day my wife's credit card got stolen...What a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!"
“Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.”
“We are caught in a traffic jam of discursive thought.”
“Things there are no solution to: inflation, bureaucracy and dandruff.”
🙂 and 1 joke about security cameras. 4 elderly women are sitting outside on a bench.
“For sale: 4 surveillance cameras (old model).”
“You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driver’s licence…”
“Me: I want to travel more.
The bank account: Like, to the park?”
“Men to the left because women are always right.”
“Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a tan, fall in love, never return.”
“Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
“If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal.”
“When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars.”
“I’m done adulting. Let’s be mermaids from now on!”
“I will conquer the world. Like, from here to the post box.”
🙂 “If travel would be free, you would never see me again. But it isn’t, so….what do we do tonight?”
🙂 “Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
"Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they clap their hands when the plane lands."
“In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.”
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to anyone?”
(omg, so true!!...and why does it NEVER belong to me??)
"Good things come to those who book flights."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
🙂 "Going on a trip. Need about 5 outfits. I’ve packed 35 just to be safe."
“You don’t like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.”
🙂 “Be afraid. And do it anyway.”
“Packs 2 hours before leaving for a trip. Unpacks 3 months after coming home.”
“Watches Netflix happily. Remembers you need to pack. Watches Netflix stressfully.”
“Think outside. No box required.”
😇 “I’m a better person when I’m tan.”
😊 “I’m a travel addict on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the road to the airport.”
“Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.”
“I run on caffeine, cats and swear words.”
🙂 “Go where the wifi is weak and the rum is strong.”
🙂 “We do not have wifi. Talk to each other. Pretend it’s 1995.”
"Please rate your pain on a 0 to 10 scale. 0 being no pain; 10 being I just force fed you live scorpions then ripped off both your arms."
"There are 3 levels of pain: pain, excruciating pain, and stepping on a Lego."
🙂 "The pain will go away when it stops hurting."
🙂 "I wake up every day planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says, 'Haha good one!' and we laugh and laugh and take a nap."
“I ate 11 times, took 5 naps, and it’s still today.”
“Gangsta napper.”
“Never waste any time you can spend sleeping.”
“iSleep. There’s a nap for that.”
🙂 “Cats, naps and snacks.”
“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”
“Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.”
“Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal.”
🙂 “You can tell a lot about a man’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.”
🙂 “Ah, my butter half!”
“Cause I’m a crepe
I’m a weirdough
What the hell am I
doughing here?
I donut belong here.”
—
“If you don’t strategically eat your food so that the last bites that go into your mouth are the tastiest, reconsider your life choices.”
—
🙂 “There’s no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating.”
“Dear Good Luck, We’re not playing hide & seek. I searched for you for many years. It’s time to come out now.”
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
“Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
🙂 “When in doubt, throw doubt out and have a little faith….”
Thanks for sharing that - it's sooooo clever. And it brought back a lot of memories, including the commercials.
"Do you know what I really fancied yesterday? I don't know why. And I did *have* some...
[ears on stalks, I am agog]
Tomatoes. I had one in my sandwich at lunchtime, I'm not sure I didn't have some in the morning. And then last night I saw one in my fridge, and I just thought, I've got to have that..."
Tomatoes??? Sheesh, I thought it was at least going to be fattening.
Husband: I took all the avocados my mother had left this season.
Wife: (shocked) Why did you do that? You didn't leave her any?
Husband: She gave them all to me.
Wife: How many did you take?
Husband: One
Then, he made the earth round, and laughed, and laughed.
Still laughing.
And it's not carbonated water, am I right?
so okay then... technically the earth IS flat 🙃
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water (edit: on it's surface).
Therefore the Earth is flat.