mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Dealing with stress at work:
1.Stand up
2.Take a walk
3.Take a cab
4.Go to the airport
5.Never return
“Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.”
“Stupidity never takes a day off.”
“Beauty fades, dumb is forever.”
“I started the week with a big box of patience. The box is empty now.”
❤️🙂 “My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
1. You're reading this right now.
2. You're realizing that is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped three.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even thought it's stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped eight.
10. You're checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize there's only supposed to be ten facts.
“Man with no legs bums around.”
“Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.”
“Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.”
“Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a week. Teach hockey to his kids and he’ll be poor forever.”
“Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.”
“He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.”
🙂 “Give man fish, feed him for a day. Teach man to fish, man build industry, and destroy ecosystem.”
“Surround yourself with tacos, not negativity.”
“One fails forward toward success.”
“Marriage: an endless sleep-over with your favorite weirdo.”
“If the words don’t add up, it’s usually because the truth wasn’t included in the equation.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy."
“If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, don’t count the first time.”
“If at first you’re not believed, lie, lie, again.”
🙂 “If at first you don’t succeed, try something harder.”
“If you’ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.”
“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.”
“A large group of people is called a “No Thanks”.”
“What I lack in social skills I make up for in hiding-from-people skills.”
“Home is where the introvert is.”
“I came. I saw. I left early.”
“Please hesitate to reach out to me.”
🙂 “If you want to talk to me on the phone, I’ll need at least three days notice.”
What’s one thing your dogs could say that would completely ruin your image if they could talk?
What’s the most hilarious fact you know?
What do you think will your last words be?
What would you do if you only had 24 hours to live?
Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal?
Who is the first person on your hit list?
What are the things you would like to change if you became God for a day?
Where would you like to time travel: back to the past or to the future?
What would be the outcome if the government decided to make everything illegal?
What’s your secret talent?
🙂 Who actually tests the specific dog food when they say that it has a new and improved flavor?
“Why does the need To pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?”
“Just once, i want a username and password prompt to say,
close enough.”
“I need to get in shape.
if i were murdered right now,
my chalk outline would be a circle.”
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
"Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."
"When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."
"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“There should be a weather app for people with social anxiety, like, “Today, Walmart will be partly crowdy with a 70% chance of people you know.”
Circle is a shape! :-)
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"Where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."
“All I heard was, ‘I swear it will be funny…’ and then we were in jail…”
"Quick, hide the chocolate in my mouth.”
“I used to talk to myself, but we had a fight so now we don’t.”
“We’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
easier said than done, i know. anyway, i’ll be trying too. inhale the good, exhale the bad. leave the bad out of your system. give your mind/body a fresh new day.
meanwhile, some quotesss :).
“That's a life lesson I could have done without.”
“With wisdom comes exhaustion.”
“There's no such thing as being overprepared.”
“Perhaps you would benefit from adult supervision.”
“This will go much faster if you just accept that I am right.”
“Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren't enhancing the plot.”
“I know my limits. I don’t pay attention to them, but I know them.”
Dog: “I’m sick…would you chase the cat for me?”
“Just before I die, I’m going go swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”
you could lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have
left in your life.
“A big secret for happiness: Ignore people who do crappy things to you.”
“I’m busy now, can I ignore you some other time?”
“I used to care about what people thought about me until one day I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.”
We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.
“Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell.”
Office meeting. Man:
“Jeez, calm down Bill. We’re not saying you’re wrong… Just that you’re an idiot.”