mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“Yeah, I’m about ready for the weekend.” – Me, Monday am
“Did you know that Mondays happen once a week?! Seems a bit excessive to me.”
“T.G.I.M”
🙂 “Be a rebel – enjoy Monday. Find a reason to like it.”
“A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.”
“Time's fun when you're having flies.”
🙂🙂 “You know, sometimes, when they say you are ahead of your time, it's just a polite way of saying you have a real bad sense of timing.”
"Me: I want to travel.
Bank account: Where? To work?"
"Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you are still stupid."
"Someone please call 9 wine wine."
"I hate it when people ask me what I did yesterday. I don't know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something ... Sighed heavily. The list goes on."
🫣 “Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair."
“I’m going to bed” really means “I’m going to lie in my bed and go on my phone”.
🌳🌳🌳🍄🍄 “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
”Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.”
”Antistalking: Learning someone’s routine so you can avoid them.”
”It’s cool if you don’t like me. I really like me.”
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
”I’m afraid if I give up sarcasm, I’d have to replace it with murder.”
“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”
“Don’t waste a moment of your life being normal.”
“Sorry, the person you’re trying to reach has moved on.”
🙂 “You cannot ‘fit in’ and ‘stand out’ at the same time.”
“I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.”
“I invented a new word! Plagiarism!”
“How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?”
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.”
“Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.”
“Just do it! Reach for the stars, even if you have to stand on a cactus.”
“Never be afraid to follow your dreams. It’ll be a great story to tell you co-workers at McDonald’s.”
🙂 “Follow your dreams. Except for the one where you’re naked at work.”
“Twinkle, twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar.”
🙂 “Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?”
“I woke up early. There was no worm.”
“We haven’t got a plan, so nothing can go wrong!”
"When my bra matches my underwear I really feel like I have my life together."
“Donut give up.”
☕️☕️☕️ “Can’t we all just get oolong?”
“I’m not angry, I’m happiness challenged.”
“Anger management. You mean, planning who’s butt to kick in advance?”
(person arrives in Heaven)
“So this is heaven? I hate it.”
This note was put on a car....
[I hit your car but I'm pretending to write my info
because people are watching me.
Hope you can fix it.
Good Luck.]
“Arguments these days: Don’t you type at me in that tone of voice.”
“Your partner will never start an argument if you’re folding the laundry.”
“If you want to find out who your real friends are, sink the ship. The first ones to jump aren’t your friends.”
The potatoes have eyes, 🥔
the corn has ears, 🌽
and the beanstalk. 🌱
“It will be funny in about 10 years.”
“Good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out.”
“Love. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
“Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday... yesterday you were pretty annoying.”
“Behind every successful person lies a pack of haters.”
“The haters always scream the loudest.”
“The best way to torture haters is with your happiness. There’s nothing people hate more than seeing you be successful.”
“Don’t doubt yourself, that’s what haters are for.”
❤️❤️
“If someone makes you angry, take a deep breath, count to ten, and kill him immediately.”
“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.”
“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.”
As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.
Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.
Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.
During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.
The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"
She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you fart"
“Mood: wanna sleep for 3 years.”
“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
“I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.”
“No one says ‘it’s just a game’ when their team is winning.”
“In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.”
“When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.”
“You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”
🌈🌈🌈“Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.”
Correct me if you're wrong.
A blessing in the skies.
Over my spit milk.
It gives me peach of mind.
Laugh out load.
You've made your cake, now lie in it.
Play it by year.
Don’t single me in.
Respect the unexpected.
😴😴 Don't let the bed bugs fight.
You made your bed, now eat it.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
Give them a taste of your own medication.
It's harder done than said.
Been that, done there.
Keep your friends’ clothes.
You mistook my kindness for weak knees.
❤️❤️
“You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window to throw them out.”