mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“Even my anxiety has anxiety.”
Me: What could possibly go wrong?
Anxiety: I’m glad you asked.
“You are about to EXCEED the limits of my medication.”
🙃🙃🧐🧐🤪🤪
“I get most of my exercise these days by shaking my head in disbelief.”
“And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.”
“There are so many people who have lived and died before you. You will never have a new problem; you’re not going to ever have a new problem. Somebody wrote the answer down in a book somewhere.”
“To walk away from the problems often will make the problems walk up to you.”
“It is my belief God sends the solution first and the problem later.”
“A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.”
“I’m busy right now but would be happy to ignore you at some other time.”
“I’m ignoring you…Don’t ignore me when I’m ignoring you.”
“I spent a great deal of my life being ignored. I was always very happy that way.”
❤️ “If you’re being ignored, that’s a good time to concentrate on finding yourself and creating your own mystery.”
"Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
"So my wife said to me, ‘I swear, it's like all men share one brain’. I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain.”
——
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: It's for you and your parents.
——
"…A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news…'"
'What is the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live,' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
“A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.
After an hour he loses his patience and yells, 'Putin is to blame for this. I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'
30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'”
“An old man dies and goes up to heaven.
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO WERE CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
“I’m disappointed in you’re grammar.”
“That’s weird. I don’t recall buying tickets for a guilt trip.”
“Guilt-tea.”
“You’re being judged no matter what, so be who you want to be.”
“I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.”
“Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives.”
“What if slugs are just snails who have gone through a divorce. ‘Yep, she got the house.’”
“I saw a man at the beach yelling, "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.”
“Don’t just slay your demons; dissect them and find what they’ve been feeding on.”
“Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times we just hug and eat cheesecake…”
“I’ll tell you about my demons while you tell me about yours. Maybe they’ll get along well enough to fall in love and leave us alone.”
“I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me…Except dogs. I want dogs to like me.”
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
Moses was the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet.
“Donut let anyone tell you you’re less than incredible.”
“The only circle of trust you should have is a donut.”
Another gem:
“It is my belief God sends the solution first and the problem later.”
So true, as caregivers we ride in on on our white horse solution. Then and only then, and too late, we see the problem/S.
Maybe that's the plan all along. Otherwise we would never have gotten on that horse.
Love your tidbits!
“Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.”
“It isn’t that I’m not a people person, I’m just not a stupid people person.”
“I’m on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.”
“Every time you get dressed remember: if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.”
“I love how in scary movies the person yells out, ‘Hello?’, as if the killer is going to be like, ‘Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?’”
“Here hold my dignity…I’ve got some sketchy stuff to do.”
“If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.”
“I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little **** bit me.”
“Remember when our teachers used to say, ‘You won’t have a calculator everywhere you go.’? Well, we showed them.”
“Don’t follow my footsteps. I run into walls.”
🙂 “If you figure me out, I want an explanation”
“Apparently ‘spite’ is not an appropriate answer to ‘What motivates you?’”
“People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.”
“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”
“Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.”
“I’m like 4 days past my bedtime.”
🙂 “Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it’a because you’re awake in someone’s dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.”