mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“Life is like an elevator: on your way up, sometimes you have to stop and let people off.”
“Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.”
“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”
“So little time and so little to do.”
“Why can’t male fortune tellers have children?
They have crystal balls.”
“I don’t like math puns.
But I will make one if I half two.”
“I’m not a fan of elevator music.
It’s bad on so many levels.”
“Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.”
“Where do spiders seek health advice?
WebMD.”
My wife sent me a text saying, “Your the best!”
To which I replied, “No, you’re the best!”
She’s been on cloud 9 ever since, feeling so loved and in love.
I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was just correcting her grammar.
Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t prevent tooth decay.
No weirdos.
”James Bond slept through an earthquake.
He was shaken, not stirred.”
——
“Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.”
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
“My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn’t care.”
——
“What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn’t opened his present yet.”
——
“At the restaurant the other evening, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, ‘Nothing special really, we just tell them they’re going to die.’”
——
“I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.”
”I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, ‘Don’t eat anything fatty.’
I said, ‘What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?’
He said, ‘No fatty, just don’t eat anything.’”
“I took my MIL out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is awesome.”
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
🙂 “When a couple of young people strongly devoted to each other commence to eat onions, it is safe to pronounce them engaged.”
“Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
1. The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
2. The average human being has fewer than two legs. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. No human being has more than two legs but a substantial number of people have less then two legs bringing the average below two.
3. Inflammable and flammable are synonyms – they both mean the same thing.
4. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart.
5. A million seconds is 12 days.
6. There is a city in Alaska named Unalaska.
7. From when it was discovered to when it was declassified as a planet, Pluto did not make a full orbit around the sun. (poor pluto)
8. Each year, New Year’s Day comes before New Year’s Eve. (took me a bit of time to figure this one out.)
9. From 1928 to 1946, Mickey Mouse was voiced by none other than Walt Disney himself.
10. If you cut holes in a net, it has fewer holes.
🙃
The MIL joke is great. I'm glad to say that the wicked witch of the west is dead. Her narcissism led to her death despite medical warnings.
"You come near my bedroom; I call 911." said the wife to her soon-to-be narcissistic ex
i’m glad you liked the joke :).
“You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
🙂 “Relationships are basically just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies.”
Who has married many women but never wed?
A priest.
——
Why was the picture sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
——
During which month do people sleep the least?
February (there are fewer nights in February).
——
Jimmy’s mother had three children. The first was called April, the second was called May. What was the name of the third?
Jimmy.
——
There was a plane crash in which every single person was killed. Yet there were 12 survivors. How?
The 12 survivors were married, not single.
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”
“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
“People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.”
“The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock.”
“There are two kinds of people in this world: 1. Morning people. 2. People who want to shoot morning people.”
“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
“Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don’t speak bird.”
🙂 “I wake up with a good attitude every morning. And then idiots happen.”
“I was in a bar last night.
The bartender said, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?””
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “That every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?” the first demands.
“My dog told me.”
“Smart people focus on the right things.”
“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
“Be the chess player, not the chess piece.”
“What doesn’t kill me…better start running!”
“Not sure if it’s killing me…or making me stronger.”
“What doesn’t kill me…might make me kill you.”
“What doesn’t kill you…makes you weird at parties.”
❤️🙂
“Seven days without laughter make one weak.”
“I was thinking one day and I realized that if I just had somebody behind me all the way to motivate me I could make a big difference. Nobody came along like that so I just became that person for myself.”
“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.”
“If you like water, then you already like 72% of me.”
“If every day is a gift, then today was socks.”
“Not everyone can find a cure for cancer. Someone has to make the dinners and sort the socks.”
“I am convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra Tupperware lid.”
“Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of prey.”
“Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words.”
“My friend was annoying me with all his bird puns…
But then I realised toucan play at that game.”