mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.”
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
“Today, whatever is good for your soul, do that.”
Lifetime Achievement Awards.
The Gold Watch at retirement.
It seems like there is an award for almost anything.
My favorite is the pin awarded to me by my psychiatrist.
It says "Shrink Resistant".
“I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.”
“I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.”
“I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.”
🙂 “What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.”
“You play the victim so well, I’m surprised you don’t carry around your own body chalk.”
—
Victim card:
“Get out of responsibility. Free.”
“I’m not lazy. Someone stole my motivation. I’m the victim here.”
“You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.”
“To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don’t give up! Season 2 is coming.”
“If Karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”
“What’s wrong with me? Do you want a list?”
“I’ve already had my patience tested. The result was negative.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.”
🙂🙃 “Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve seized the wrong day?”
“Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?”
“If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably never going to happen.”
“I hate when I eat tomorrow’s calories today.”
“There’s something missing in my life, I just don’t know if it’s a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.”
“Does running away from Monday count as cardio?”
“Monday: one of those days when even your coffee needs a coffee.”
❤️ “Oh hello week, let’s do this.”
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch, and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches me right off the couch!”
“Sorry I can’t go out today. There’s a sofa stuck to me.”
“I don’t understand what’s bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.”
“Irony (noun). Getting hit by an ambulance.”
“Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.”
“Sarcasm…it’s how I hug.”
❤️ “Karma will fix it.”
“There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.”
“Laziness is the first step towards efficiency.”
🙂 “I have accomplished the bare minimum. Time to do absolutely nothing else.”
“That’s a very nice opinion you have there…Too bad it’s wrong.”
“Welcome-ish. Depends who you are and how long you stay.”
“I should be doing something, but my sofa is being so clingy today!”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning.”
“Stop shrinking to fit places you’ve outgrown.”
“If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.”
“This looks like a ‘no, thanks’ to me.”
“Be good to your skin. You’ll wear it every day for the rest of your life.”
“Do no harm. Take no ***.”
“Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax.”
“Do not pour your sunshine into someone who does not think of you as their sky.”
“RIP to all the hours I spent explaining myself to other people.”
“Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you.”
“When they say, “it runs in the family,” respond with, “this is where it runs out.””
“I didn’t forget where I came from; I just realized I couldn’t stay there.”
❤️ “Be enough for yourself first. The rest of the world can wait.”
“Self-care is officially over ladies. We’re doing drugs again.”
“It’s not your job to fit yourself into a box. That’s a cat’s job.”
“Be loud about the things that are important to you.”
“One advantage of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
😉 “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
“When I was 18, I looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.’ And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.”
“Do more things that make you forget to check your phone.”
❤️❤️ “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
“If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow. Imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do.”
🙂 “I got it all together. But I forgot where I put it.”
🌈🌈 “Ignore the rain. Look for the rainbow.”
“I’m on my 3rd guardian angel. Don’t judge.”
“Some people get confused if a sentence does not end as they potato.”
“If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.”
“Seriously dude…is there a name for what’s wrong with you?”
🤔 “Did you ever notice there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?”
😇 finally i understand the food groups:
“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate,dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.”
“The Greeks and Shakespeare wrote the greatest tragedies…neither knew chocolate.”
1: Went to my Ophthalmologist today. She said she was glad to see me!
2: Went to a Plastic Surgeon. He said with a face like that you should be on the radio!
3: Went to a Dermatologist. Showed him a picture of my pet snake. He said it made his skin crawl!
4: Went to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor. She looked in my right ear and said both ears looked fine!
5: Went to a Cardiologist. He said he had bad news. I asked, what bad news? He said he didn’t have the heart to tell me!
7: Went to a Podiatrist. He said I had fallen arches then took me to lunch at McDonalds!
8: Went to a Gastroenterologist for indigestion. He said to knock off the cheeseburgers!
9: Went to a Brain Surgeon. She said she couldn’t help me. I asked why not? She told me her favorite character in The Wizard of Oz was the scarecrow!
10: Went to a Geriatric doctor. I told him all my corny jokes. He said, I’m too old for this!