mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys. But the clowns definitely know me.”
“For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.”
“Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.”
——
“When you thought you caught the Corona Virus, but the doctor says it’s just cancer.”
——
“How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.”
——
“Which bear is most condescending? A Pan-Duh!”
——
“When is the turkey soup bad for your health? When you are the turkey.”
❤️🙂
“Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t chicken.”
“Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.”
“My therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . Trying to process.”
“Made my therapist laugh three times today, which meant I got to pick a prize from the prize box.”
“Welcome to shrink in the box. Can I take your disorder?”
“If a therapist starts off with “I could be wrong so please let me know if I’ve missed the mark, I’ve noticed that…”, please know 9 times out of 10 they are about to read you like a book.”
“Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine.”
“Therapist: Love yourself.
Patient: I'm not my type.”
“My therapist told me write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later. I did that. But now what should I do with the letters?”
“Therapist: We need to deal with this constant need of yours to please others.
Client: Sure, if it makes you happy!”
“Therapist: Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?
Patient: To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”
“My therapist thinks I'm kleptomaniac. He didn’t say it to my face, though. I read it in his notebook when I got home.”
“A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed: "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"”
“At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless.
But now I kind of like it.”
“Someone's therapist knows all about you.”
“My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.
‘Dear Diary, sorry to bother you again...’”
❤️🙂
A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.
"Ten years," said the Zen master.
"Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."
A guy is seeking enlightenment, goes to a monastery and speaks to the head monk.
The monk says, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agrees and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Still hungry" the man replied, and the monk granted him more food at supper.
Three more years had passed and the head monk came to the man and said, "What are your two words?" To which the man replied, "too cold". And the monk granted the man a thicker robe.
Three more years goes by and the head monk came up to the man and says, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" Says the man, and the monk says "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
———
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:
"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"
After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:
"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"
"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.
"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"
"Yes, master!"
"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"
"Yes, master!"
After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep looking at random nonsense instead of training!"
HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU?
IF....
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
--Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
A monk meditating and thinking:
“What the ****!##!! was I thinking about? Oh yeah, emptiness.”
On the family trip to nirvana. A kid in the back:
“Are we there yet?”
"I keep hearing it takes a village to care for an elderly person. Do they just show up or is there a number to call? I think they can't find me."
“People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.”
“After enlightenment, the laundry…”
“There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment. Laugh at yourself, or be tickled.”
“Success is always less funny than failure.”
“Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.”
(haha, i’m going to do that.)
“If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.”
“Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive.”
“Don’t study me. You won’t graduate.”
“Some people are so judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.”
“Smile! Tomorrow will be worse!”
“I am not pessimistic. I am optimistic that a bunch of crappy things will continue to happen.”
“It’s all downhill from here.”
“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”
“It’s never too late to go back to bed.”
“If you can’t handle me at my worst
Unfortunately that’s also my best.”
"I would love you if you were pizza."
"Ever been so frustrated you skipped anger and went straight to laughing like a lunatic?"
"If I had a time machine all I would do is use it to go back in time to right before I ate that thing I just ate."
Advisor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
"My three dogs came into the house, after being out in the garden. The doctor said to call him when my labs are back. Now what?"
A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."
“What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving? Vegetarians.”
“Can a turkey jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses can't jump!”
“What vegetables go together with a Thanksgiving dinner? Beets me!”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.”
“I can’t eat another bite…Oh look, pie!”