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Fortune cookie message: "This cookie is never gonna give up, never gonna let you down."
(1)
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❤️🙂

Fortune cookie message: "Your pet is planning to eat you."
(2)
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❤️🙂

Fortune cookie message: "Pigeon poop burns the retina for 13 hours. You will learn this the hard way."
(2)
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❤️🙂

Fortune cookie message: "Be kind to pigeons. A statue will some day be made of you."
(1)
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❤️🙂

Fortune cookie message: "What's the speed of dark?"
(1)
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❤️🙂

Fortune cookie message: "Only listen to fortune cookie, disregard all other fortune telling units."
(1)
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🥰

“You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
(2)
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I hate when people ask me if I'm all ready for Christmas.
No Susan. I'm not even ready for today.
(6)
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❤️😇

“Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?”
(3)
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❤️😇

“I hate when I go out in public and the public is there.”
(1)
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❤️😇

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
(4)
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❤️😇

“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”
(4)
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❤️😉

“Hey, are you a software update? Because not now.”
(1)
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“That awkward moment when you’re texting and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.”
(2)
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“Thou shall no try me.
Mood 24:7”
(2)
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❤️😉

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”
(2)
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“Mood: nah”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“I HATE having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a really disgusted stare from my seat on the couch.”
(3)
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🙂

“I found out that saying, ‘There, there little girl,’ to an angry grown man only makes things worse.”
(3)
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❤️😉

“I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.”
(2)
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❤️😉

“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”
(2)
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❤️😉

“Someone just honked to get out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.”
(1)
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🙂😇

“Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.”
(2)
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🥰

“IF I AM SILENT it’s because there’s thunder inside me. Or I’m just chillin, it depends. May the odds be ever in your favor.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“You can always tell when a man’s well-informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
(3)
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❤️😉

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
(2)
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🙂

“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must also have peanut butter.”
(2)
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🍞🍞🍞😍😍😍

“I loaf you dough much!”
(1)
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🍞🍞🥖🥖😍😍 true…

“Bakers make the world smell better.”
(1)
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🥖🥖😍😍

“All you knead is love.”
(2)
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